A Bucket Of Rain

I don’t why would I still rant a about how hot it is here in the Philippines but I just can’t help myself. I know it’s the usual but every summer it just becomes hotter and hotter. Screw global warming!

I still hate those people who don’t care about mother nature. Everything is our fault. We are not contented on what we already have. Just like the song of Counting Crow’s says Don’t it always seem to go unless you don’t know what you got til it’s gone? They paved paradise and put up a parking lot.

I don’t have anything against technology but there are some things that we don’t need anymore. Sometimes technology make us lazy.

This for example:

Transportation – from walking to bicycles to cars. Do we really need to take a car to buy a candy from a 1 km distance? And cars releases bad air and straight to the ozone layer.

Food – from fruits and veggies to steaks to canned goods then go back to “organic” foods. Seriously, we are killing ourselves for eating junk and now that we are all aware of what is healthy, we are fooled with the organic hype and pay them at a higher price. Why would the natural be more expensive? What if people can’t afford it? Are they stuck with unhealthy canned goods?

I won’t elaborate on other stuff. You know how people destroy nature. It’s a good thing some do something about it. But do you think that “some” can change the world and bring it’s original beauty?

It’s so hot. I would gladly give my salary just to pay for a bucket of rain pouring on me.

Am I Procrastinating?

Oh, this is one of the questions that I never want to answer but maybe I am. Am I?

I’m currently in this situation that I need to work harder as a musical director (at our music tutorial center) and do some other business which I can get money from. My dad isn’t working, my mom doesn’t have enough income and my sister is graduating. That leads to me providing for my family. Appently being the musical director and an instructor (violin, drums, guitar and ukulele) can’t pay all the bills since my dad had stroke. So I me and my guy bestfriend decided to do a business – a t-shirt business. Oh wait, there’s more. Me and my bandmate decided to make productions and produce gigs for local and foreign artists. So that’s a total of 3 things I need to work on. But under those 3 are branches of list that I need to finish.

As a musical director (I am actually acting as the overall director), I do the marketing, meetings to clients and business partners. I do the teaching – I make the curriculum, modules and lesson plans. I study, arrange and write the students need to play and usually this is for quartets, ensembles and ensembles. I also do the financing and computing of all the money in and out. And even the posters and flyers – I design and edit them. Oh, and I handle all the networking sites of the school. Yes, I am superwoman.

For the t-shirt business, I need to canvass a lot of stuff – from different wholesalers of shirts to machines. I need to study costing and make designs!!!

For the production – this is actually exciting!!! Hihi. I’m good with handling events. I think I’m that person who likes everything organized much more if I am the one in charge. So I have no problem with this but…. same as the t-shirt business, we still need to do canvass the perfect venues, talk to artists and technicians and all other stuff like that.

So where’s the procrastinating part? I know there’s a long to-do list on my paper but I slept the whole day. Scratch that. Not whole day. But I sang and played. I even started to make the music of my original composition (see previous post). Maybe I was really so tired for the past months since my dad got sick. I’m really longing for a break but then I still can’t because if I stop, no one can pay the bills. Or I know what I want to do, it’s I just can’t… for now.

People Stared

I sang last night. It felt really good. I know I am not the best singer in the world (and not that I am competing with anyone, haha!) but I still have insecurities and I know I sing flats and sharps. It’s been a while since the last time me and my band had a gig and I never sung a song in front of people since then.

But last night, it felt really awesome. We were at my uncle Henry’s birthday party at a bar. He closed the whole bar for his party if I may add. There were musicians playing in trio – a guitarist, a singer and a percussionist. And my titos (aunts) and titas (uncles) requested for me to sing since they never heard me perform on stage.  So there I am, I couldn’t say no but really am scared cause I don’t have any practice at all.

People stared. I got the guitar and sang Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn and Bic Runga’s Sway. When I started singing, people started to pay attention. I just said to myself, “Shocks. This is so embarrassing. I didn’t practice at all and maybe I’m out of tune.” or something like “Ah, they’re looking cause they noticed that there’s a different singer in front of them.”. But then when I got to the chorus part, people stared and watched me the whole time. I was really flattered because I got their attention. It was a long time since I last believed in my singing and I took courage to share them to the audience… turns out they did too. I’m so happy! 🙂 

And I Love Her (Original Composition)

Hinawakan mo lang yung kamay ko, nagawan na kita ng kanta! Kinulam mo ba ako? Bakit patay na patay ako sayo? Translation: You held my hand once and that made me make a song for you! Did you put me under your spell? Why am I so into you?

AND I LOVE HER

Stanza 1:
She keeps me awake at night
Just when I needed to take a break
She doesn’t want me leaving
But I like the way I know that she will miss me so

She doesn’t stop making noises
Just when I need to work on my computer
She doesn’t want me giving away attention to something else
But I like that way of she wants me more than I can ever know

Chorus:
She is the dream that I have been waiting since a long time ago
She is the pain that I am not willing to let go
She is the noise in my beating and the silence in my yearning
She is the robber who stole my worries far far away and never gave it back

And I love her…

Stanza 2:
She keeps my head on straight
Just when I got my alcohol attack
She doesn’t want me drinking
But I like the way I know that if I did, I’d still be ok

She doesn’t stop making excuses
Just when I avoid taking my pills
She doesn’t want me weak
But I like the way I know I can be strong even if everything goes wrong

Bridge:
There she is looking at the bright blue sky
In her faded jeans, chucks and her vintage top/shirt
There she is looking at me like I am beyond ordinary
In her faded jeans, chucks and her vintage top

Held my hand… and I can never understand what it means but  I know exactly how it feels…

And I love her…

Click this link to listen to the audio: And I Love Her (Original Composition)

Nobody Is Ever Worth Hurting

If I am not going to believe in myself and all the things I can do, who would?

I had this heart to heart conversation with my barkada (this is a tagalog word which means “circle of friends” or “one of your circle of friends). It’s about all my problems for the past 4 years and it’s with every aspect of my life – family, friends, lovelife, school, work and many more in between. My friend, Lia, asked me why am I too positive about all things and how come I am not breaking down at this point?

I never noticed it since our conversation but I reflected at that moment and answered her, if I’m not going to believe in myself, who would? If everyone else lost their faith in me and believed more in what other people would say, what’s the point of worrying about how they think about me? It’s useless and my body can’t handle anymore hurt in my life. Whatever happened, I just thought that  I can make a good out of it like for example, I made it as an inspiration to write poems and songs for my band. Other thoughts came in like a series of flashbacks of what happened but the biggest learning that I had is that I said to myself that I would never want to be like them. I would never ever do the things they did to me to other people… ever. Whatever it is, I believe in mercy and nobody is ever worth hurting.

I’m back to my 50 % straight self. Yes, gay that is.

Just so everyone knows, I’d like to announce that I am bisexual. I like boys and at the same time I like girls too. The things is… I don’t like it. I want to be straight – it’s a looooong story.

So it has been almost 2 years since my last relationship (a girl) and ever since then, love life isn’t my priority. For that time, I felt that I am 90% already. Ha! Ha! I had real guy crushes but had unavoidable girl crush last year. I got over it – yes, the girl part. It was just a phase and I am back to really liking guys as in like “like”.

Last saturday, I went home 70-80% straight. Is it weird that I measure my straightness? Lol! So what, who cares? Hahaha! What happened? – that’s the question. 

Incident #1: I was kissed by a friend (girl). Well, not lips to lips… just on the cheek. I felt weird about it because it was just out of the blue. We were not saying hello or goodbye. We were having a light and fun conversation. I was joking around because I waited for her for 3 hours.  She was saying sorry and suddenly kissed me. I acted like nothing happenee and continued fooling around.

Incident #2: While we were waiting for the train, still having that light conversation and fun fooling around, she tried to hold my hand – as in the one with interlocking fingers. It didn’t last long cause I was really distracted. I think I looked at our hands and she felt conscious or shy about it?

I don’t know. Right now, I am really confused because I was having this super duper tiny crush on her and I like that we were getting close. I got really confused on what she did because I know she is straight… though I sensed it the first time we met (I don’t have a crush on her at then) that she has tedencies and my gay and lesbian friends said that themselves too.

I was aking myself the questions like Are there girls that are just too clingy, touchy, and expressive to that extent? Do some girls really kiss other girls on the cheek for no reason or as a regular expression and without intention?  And if she knows that I am bisexual, shy whould she do that? Does she know that maybe I would think of it differently?

Seriously guys, if you have answers to my questions, please feel free to do so cause I can’t stop thinking about her since that day. I don’t want to expect anything and seriously, I am really avoiding myself to like girls. So there, I am almost going back to my 50 % straight self.

If memories leave, where do they go and what is left?

Part 1:

My dad had a stroke last December. It was mild and he wasn’t paralyzed but his memory and the coordination of his thoughts and words were the ones affected. It was a struggle for u especially for me because I am the one who needs to work for my family. And note that I haven’t even graduated yet.

I’ve been catching family problems since high school. When my dad had stroke, that was the time that I asked my family to give me space. Because I was always the responsible one. They can never take away their trust for me because it’s just the way it is and I’ve build a good image on their eyes. So there I was at that time finding myself… soul searching ang wandering with life in what the hell do I really want to do. Cause that’s the problem, I don’t dream for me and I am used to dream for other people’s happiness especially my family. At that time I was at the peak of really enjoying myself and finally having a direction.. I WAS HAVING FUN FOR MYSELF.

But things happened and I really had no choice but to go back in catching problems. It’s not that I don’t want to but I need to… and I can never ever hesitate when it comes to my family. It was a struggle for me cause my dad can’t work anymore. He can’t go back to his work just like the way he did.

He was this arrogant, liar, pathetic, envious parent that I am always pissed at. He was hard headed and a pain in the ass for everyone. He wants the authority. He wants to feel and let people know how talented and smart he is but he wasn’t that smart. He was just great with people and conversations that’s why it looked like it. He even tells lies just to cover his small incident.

But right after whar happened, he was not himself at all. I mean, I never liked his attitude but it defines who he is. I miss how talkative he was and everything else. I wasn’t sure if he’s ok or not.

But he is still having problems in how he communicates. It may seem to look like he wasn’t affected at all but if you knew him like I did… there’s a hole inside of him that is missing and I miss it. He speaks correctly the words but never mean what he is really trying to say.

Now, he is having memory loss. It’s not too much to a point that he can’t remember us but he can’t remember situations and sometimes conversations.