The Silly Thinking Of Me

I suddenly have this urge to play the guitar again. I missed it. After 2 or 3 years of running away from it, I miss it and I miss it so bad. It’s like a drug that I haven’t gotten in a while and it’s right here in front of me. It’s just the feels – more like I am longing for it and I want to be one with it.

I was so afraid. I played the classical guitar when I was at the conservatory. I fell in love with it – so with the people around it. Life there was practice, practice, practice then perform… repeat all throughout the school year. But things changed and it suddenly became a bad memory.

I have this fear that I brought everywhere I go. I can’t even get my guitar out of my case, more so playing it. Cause when I do, flashbacks hit me like nuclear canons, bombs, guns, knives that strike directly to my heart… and I feel the pain all over again. It sounds so melodramatic. Well, don’t judge because it hit me big time.

Through my escape, I tried lots of different stuff. But to tell frankly, I can getaway far enough from music. So first, I composed (bad memories can be a great source for original compositions). Second, I found myself composing and singing with a band – which I didn’t have for a long time. Third, I indulged myself and tried ukulele but don’t get me wrong, I met a lot of great people in an awesome community but sometimes I look for something deeper. Lastly, I tried going back to theater. It did brought me joyous moments and gave me a fresh start – awesome new found friends and mentors. In between those steps, I keep handling and teaching our music school. Yes, that’s the moving on me.

But lately, I find myself longing for it. Playing and practicing for hours, days and restless nights. My fingers long for the numbness and hardness of the callouses on my left hand. On my rifght, the long finger nails that is carefully shapes by a sand paper. I miss the addictive way of analyzing pieces and overthinking how it should be played. I miss criticizing every tone I make.

I miss it so bad but I think I still can’t go back. It’s weird that what I do now is play and play the guitar. I keep on arranging songs and make it an instrumental – close enough that I can get to classical music.

Will I ever go back? Can I ever handle going back? Because once I do, I think I am risking myself to be screwed all over again and my heart says enough and my heart wants more of it. Half of a half? A quarter of a half? I don’t know who wins the battle against this silly thinking of me.


15 thoughts on “The Silly Thinking Of Me

  1. I agree with the Rev. Whitfield–There is something that needs to get out. Your guitar is the way out. Let the Lord lead you through what might be a earth-shaking time. It may be the way of healing and wholeness. You will never know unless you give it space.

    • Thank you. I think it’s time for me to be brave enough to face the past, present and future all at the same time. And I can never heal if I keep on running away. 🙂

  2. I’ve had the same experiences. You know after awhile, those memories become resources for motivation for other things. I’ve used those same things to write. I guess its my way of processing them. I’ve written recently about one very poignant memory and posted it “all of me”. Dredging all that up again, hurt, deeply. But I can use it to better myself and hopefully others experiences. We can never run away from life, just turn those things to our advantage, to create, compose, and yes to celebrate. These experiences oddly complete us, not just shape us.

    • Good point! I think that experiences shape us for our own purposes. Like for me, I used it for writing poems, making songs and I actually applied it in theater. After all those things that happened, it was easy for me to bring out tears and that helped in acting. 🙂

  3. Thanks for liking my blog! Liking you back! Maybe there’s something you need to pour out in music with your guitar. Keep playing! I live with several musicians so I know that music is essential like air or water.

  4. Maybe you simply need the right venue, place, setting and/or teacher – where you can express yourself through music without it being painful or difficult. Always follow your heart, and honor and express your gift. 🙂

  5. I have a similar issue and I am feeling the same way. I used to be a fencer but I had to quit right when I finally became a national player.. I was devastated and till now I really miss those moments I fenced. But I am learning to accept it. And if somewhere in my future I get the chance to play again then I’ll grab that chance. I guess it’s a matter of acceptance and patience.
    Ps: sorry for the dramatic comment^^; just I connected with this and felt the urge to share my story too.

  6. I played viola in middle school and high school. Then I set it aside. 25 years later my music minister happened to ask if any of his vocalists played any instruments. I mentioned my viola. He said to bring it. I got it out to play, and felt so happy to be able to make this offering at church. Now my daughter is playing and I am looking for a violin to play that too. Take it up again. ::read with overly dramatic emphasis:: I think it’s a moral imperative!

  7. So lovely to read – This is also where I am at with the violin. So many bad memories and emotional hurts wrapped up with trying to play beautifully in a hurtful environment. When I left and made the Big Change in my life, the violin was an anchor, but with so many connections to pain, I had to put it down eventually. I long for it. When will I pick it up again?

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