Kids are soooooo inquisitive.

Well, I was at our garage doing some work stuff on my laptop. I can’t do it in my room since Elsa (the dog we baby sit) can’t stop making noises if she doesn’t have company. So there I was on our garage working while kids playing outside. I took a break and watched The Vampire Diaries and it is, as of now, my new addiction and of course, while eating some chips. So this little girl came and asked if she could come in. I thought she would play with Elsa but then she sat beside me and watched with me asking so many questions and nagging about the series continuously – What’s that? What is it about? Can have your chips? Who’s he? Vampire? Can I have more chips? Is she his girlfriend? OMG he’s going to kill her! I told you he’ll be inside her house! What happened?… Ha! Ha! Funny! Just as when I was watching the intense part and I can’t concentrate. It also felt really awkward because they are too many violent scenes and and and… making out scenes. LOL!

I want to be annoyed but then it’s too cute. I guess I’m not used to having kids around me except in class when the kids are my students and I feel that I have an authority over them. I find it cute and entertaining. Because lately I was too fond of taking care of my grandma here at home and basically my extra time goes to her. It’s cute! It’s super duper cute! I like being asked no matter how many questions are there to be asked. Repeated questions, common sense questions, irritating questions… I like it. For kids, they’re just too curious about the world around them. For grandmas, well, they tend to forget and there’s a few things to talk about. I guess I can conclude that it doesn’t bother me at all. No harm can be done in asking. Right?

Advertisement

The Silly Thinking Of Me

I suddenly have this urge to play the guitar again. I missed it. After 2 or 3 years of running away from it, I miss it and I miss it so bad. It’s like a drug that I haven’t gotten in a while and it’s right here in front of me. It’s just the feels – more like I am longing for it and I want to be one with it.

I was so afraid. I played the classical guitar when I was at the conservatory. I fell in love with it – so with the people around it. Life there was practice, practice, practice then perform… repeat all throughout the school year. But things changed and it suddenly became a bad memory.

I have this fear that I brought everywhere I go. I can’t even get my guitar out of my case, more so playing it. Cause when I do, flashbacks hit me like nuclear canons, bombs, guns, knives that strike directly to my heart… and I feel the pain all over again. It sounds so melodramatic. Well, don’t judge because it hit me big time.

Through my escape, I tried lots of different stuff. But to tell frankly, I can getaway far enough from music. So first, I composed (bad memories can be a great source for original compositions). Second, I found myself composing and singing with a band – which I didn’t have for a long time. Third, I indulged myself and tried ukulele but don’t get me wrong, I met a lot of great people in an awesome community but sometimes I look for something deeper. Lastly, I tried going back to theater. It did brought me joyous moments and gave me a fresh start – awesome new found friends and mentors. In between those steps, I keep handling and teaching our music school. Yes, that’s the moving on me.

But lately, I find myself longing for it. Playing and practicing for hours, days and restless nights. My fingers long for the numbness and hardness of the callouses on my left hand. On my rifght, the long finger nails that is carefully shapes by a sand paper. I miss the addictive way of analyzing pieces and overthinking how it should be played. I miss criticizing every tone I make.

I miss it so bad but I think I still can’t go back. It’s weird that what I do now is play and play the guitar. I keep on arranging songs and make it an instrumental – close enough that I can get to classical music.

Will I ever go back? Can I ever handle going back? Because once I do, I think I am risking myself to be screwed all over again and my heart says enough and my heart wants more of it. Half of a half? A quarter of a half? I don’t know who wins the battle against this silly thinking of me.

Troubled (Original Composition)

Stanza 1:

I dont have a heart that can feel anymore

And I dont even need you to love me once more

I’ve been hurt, I’ve been troubled for so long

I dont need much of your time anymore

And I dont even need to ask for more

Cause I’ve been hurt, I’ve been troubled for so long

Chorus:

When I think of the day, the 1st time

We held each others hands,

we will never let go

But when I think of the day, the last time

We held each others hands,

we will never let go

And I was scared and I’m still scared

Cause I’ve been down, I’ve been troubled for so long

Stanza 2:

I dont need your reasons anymore

And I dont even need an explanation

Cause I’ve been hurt, I’ve been troubled for so long

Bridge:

Tell me why, why should I give in one more tine

Tell me why should I not give up this time

Tell me why, tell me why

Cause I’ve been hurt, I’ve been broken for so long

How can you live?

How can you live without living at all?

Is there a guide on what is he proper way of living a life? Because sometimes, I feel like when people use the term YOLO (You Only Live Once), they take advantage of life. It’s a random question and I haven’t figured an answer or other thoughts at all. Mmmm.

I Don’t Wanna Be Ordinary… Nor Special.

Today, I realized that I don’t wanna be ordinary… nor special. Is it weird for me to think that way? I really don’t know how to explain it. When I was younger (maybe 10 years younger), I wanted to be an icon – an actress, a singer, a musician, a painter or just someone famous. Apart from me being talkative and really out going, I have no problem with people at all… singing, playing, talking, acting on stage is nothing and I love being on stage, no nervous breakdowns or anything similar, I wanted to make a difference – jeez it’s lame and this is overused already. Let me put it this way, I have this thing called perception in life. And my theory is that if only people look at life the way I do, things would be simple, easy and beautiful. But at that time, if I try to say anything about “it” and open words or realizations and reflections, I would be super duper uncool. That is why I wanted to be famous. I wanted to establish a name and/or a reputation so that I wouldn’t be judge. Silly, am I right?

But after all I’ve been through, problems in my family, relationships, friends, school, career, work and everything else in between, I don’t want to dream the same dream. Now, I think that I’d like to work behind curtains and cameras in life. I know most of us wanted the spotlight, it’s a good feeling but I think it’s far too complicated and my life has been a mess and there are a lot of consequences that comes with it. I am longing for simple and care free life. Though we can’t avoid problems along the way, I couldn’t care less at all. I realized that I love living backstage at life. I am a family kind of person whatever I dream of, I dream for them. I never had a dream (the usual one, like I want to be a doctor someday stuff). I was and always be contented just as long as my family is safe, healthy, happy and we can eat three times a day… that’s that. Today, I realized that whatever it is I dreamed of doing, I keep coming back to that simple thing and I am always joyful and contented with that. Other than that, I’d like to make a big money so that I can go volunteer and provide on charities and different foundations… or maybe start one. I like it the way it is.

I don’t want to be cool. I don’t want to fit in. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t wanna be ordinary. I don’t wanna be special. I want to be in somebody’s (a family, a friend, a lover or anyone) life, never leave and make sure I love more than anyone could possibly do.

A Short Prayer

Lord, let me not ask you about anything at all. Let me take a little of your time to thank you for everything that you have done – for me and my family. I know you keep me safe… always even if I don’t ask you to. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me and I assure you that you won’t be just a memory. I love you and you know I always do. Hold my heart and hold my hand. Let me see this world only through your eyes and help people realize how beautiful life really is. Please never ever let go of my hand. Amen.