That Hurtful Place

I don’t know why it feels like it’s still haunting me but I don’t think I can ever go back to that place again. It gives me that feeling that I can’t even describe and that I am just sure that I don’t want it at all. But it’s weird that I have this longingness to go back.

I miss how I was when I was there. I miss the experience studying there. I miss the restless days and nights of practicing a dozen etudes and piece. I miss how it feels like when people around you overcriticize everything you play so intellectually and passionately. I miss how it feels to go on concerts on recital halls and auditoriums too boring enough for ordinary people. Mostly, I miss to have those kind of friends having the same passion and I miss that kind of someone who would always be there on a right timing.

But I can’t beause IT HURTS and it still does. Calling it (memories) a lie would be stupid enough for me to say just because I am hurt so won’t say it. But I am hurt. I can’t risk it. I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like there’s really a damage in me. A big part of me was broken in that place and I am just starting to fix myself again.

But I like those memories. I loved it and I miss it. But that’s what hurts most – the happiest and most precious time of my life. And I am starting to miss her again. I hate that I miss her (ex) again. I hate that I miss them (ex-friends and ex-bestfriends) again. I hate that I hate it.

To tell you frankly, I can’t even recall the details of what happened. I think my brain automatically deleted those parts because it’s just too painful for me too handle. I just know that I’m hurt and I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

Will we just leave it behind?

For dreams to come true, will it cover our lifetime for us to reach it? Will it be decades? Will it be there when we wake up in the morning?

I never dreamed about something for myself not until my ex broke up with me 2 years ago. I will always be that girl who dreams for other people’s dreams to come true especially my family. And when I dream about myself back then, I dream to be with her always and forever. Same thing I guess, I dreamt about her dreams to come true. If their happy, I’m happy. I never thought so much about myself.

I talk about dreams a lot now because I’m itchy enough to get them. I think it was repressed for 23 years and it wants to break free from me. But I still can’t or won’t? Because I’m tied up with responsibilities at home. It’s not that they’re obliging me to make a living for them but I want to. I can never want to not help them. I can never dream alone living my family behind me.

Speaking of my ex, I’ve read stuff on facebook and twitter from our common friends. They are releasing their album soon and they will be having a tour in Europe. Wow. Good for her. I’ve always wanted her dreams to come true. I just wish I’d still be with her when it that they came but I am not. She wanted that and I’m happy for her. Even though we’re not talking anymore and even though she blocked me on facebook, I’m happy for her. No biggies. We had something for a while and it’s gone but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Before she broke up with me I had problems with my family. I had the same responsibilities and problems but on a lighter load. And same as it is, I just can’t let my family go. I was having a hard time and crying on her shoulder. She told me to let them go. She told me to think about myself first. She told me to leave them on their own – I didn’t.

What would I do? She had a point. If I leave my family, I can focus more on myself and achieve things for myself. Because they are dragging me. But I can’t. No, I can but I won’t. I know things would be easier if we let go of things that give us a harder time but no.

I think I’d wait for my time no matter how long it is because I can’t leave them behind. It wouldn’t feel any better if I am rich, popular and famous doing music if I’m not with them and they are having a hard time. I can’t live with that. If I want to achieve something, I want to share it. I want to achieve it with somebody by my side. I want to celebrate that achievement with somebody. I’m longing for my dreams to come true but I am not selfish enough to dream on my own. It’s not that I am not thinking of myself but sometimes it feels so much better being selfless.

I am hurting. I am suffering. But my heart is light, happy and at ease. It’s just time and I can be patient.

Walk away, let it go and forgive.

This is another post from my old blog. Dated April 3, 2013.

We watched The host last night. I didn’t expect that the movie was great. I didn’t expect the story to be great either. I thought it was just another lovesick story of Stephenie Meyer like the Twilight Saga. Don’t blame me. Twilight Saga was really good. It’s just that it was too much. It was full of vampires, the love story and the forever thingy. Maybe because it was too mainstream that I can’t appreciate it that much anymore. Anyways, going back to the movie, it was really great.

It was not an action packed movie that you get to hold on tight to the one beside you and that you can’t even blink because you can’t miss a scene. It was not the movie but the story – especially the lessons in it.

“It can only be captured by kindness and love.” – Wanda

That line shot me the most.

Maybe there’s just too much battle we see in this world that we never get to trust that easily or even doubt a stranger of his capabilities of being good to us. Or was it really the pain we experienced with our previous struggles in life that we can’t see how anyone can ever heal us? There’s just too much chaos around us. Everyone is sick of it but almost everyone does nothing to change it. We don’t want it changed. We always want revenge to our enemies (those who hurt us). Why consider them enemies in the first place?

When somebody punches you, you’re natural instinct is to punch him back. Right? Then what happens next is you keep knocking each other until one goes down. Does this really need to happen?

When somebody lies to you, you want to lie the same way? Or if not lie, backstab that person until he’s ruined?

Everyone wants peace but we keep on doing what we are doing as humans. We have lots of capabilities and we can’t even consider that we can do most of them. It’s just that we are not used to it.

If someone punches you, walk away and let go. If he calls you a chicken, a loser or whatever it is he might think of, let it go.  Forgive.

No Mother Is A Whore

I guess this would be my post for Mother’s day — a break from all the greetings and something to think about even just for a tiny bit.

In tagalog, the most popular and harsh (?) bad word for me is “PUTANG INA MO” which means “YOU’RE MOTHER IS A WHORE” but I think is the closest to “MOTHER FUCKER”.

I don’t use bad words because of this. I don’t think people are aware of the meanings of what they say. And if yes, I think at about 70% of them don’t really mean what they say. Some are just used to saying it. I asked around about 3 years ago, WHY DO PEOPLE NEED TO SAY BAD WORDS? Most them answered that WORDS ARE JUST ENOUGH. I don’t think so. We have tons of words in the dictionary. If we were just be more educated at patient enough, we won’t be needing any of it.

They say that words hurt people. Yes. I do believe that. Sometimes it’s more painful that a physical pain. It cuts deep and goes straight to our hearts without so much effort but only to speak. If we could only speak kind words, less people will be hurt on an day-to-day basis. No stress from bosses at work. No son or daughter is insecure because their parents didn’t scold them. No street children would hate their life more because no one said that life is a “shit”.

Another thing is that those words reflects directly to our mothers. Do you think any mom is a whore? Who do you think would love a child more than a mother? Would their be any more patient and more understanding than a mother? Who would you think are the sweetest and loving persons in the world?

FUCK. FUCK THAT WORD. That word shouldn’t exist at all. It covers up the true meaning of what it is — making love. It’s not a game and it’s not an entertainment. It’s for two people in love showing their affection. See. If people would still believe that it’s still making love, nobody will be referred to as a whore. And to think that FUCKER is in a statement next to MOTHER, can we be any more mean?

No woman is a whore. And definitely no mother is a whore.

I know this would be irrelevant but I’ll greet anyway… HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOTHERS OUT THERE! THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE WORLD A SAFER PLACE! 🙂

If I Had A Normal Life, Would I Still Be Extraordinary?

I am sitting here alone eating lunch at a japanese restaurant. Beside me is the table of a family. I can’t help but to listen to a few conversations. The daughter is asking for her mom to buy her something – her mom said yes. The son is asking advise from her (ate/older sister) – her sister gives advise. Finally, the dad paid the bill.

I envy them a bit. Actually, I’m sort of jealous to normal-functioning-typical families. I get jealous to my students’ family because parents pay for their lessons and every summer they go out of town and vacation. But most of the time, I get jealous when their parents are telling their kids what to do and discipline them. I think I never had that.

So here I am sitting thinking about my stress earlier before I got here – my mom is complaining because I don’t give her money anymore, my dad is pressuring me with things I am handling already. They always wanted too much from me but I don’t see them putting an effort. There is a whole big story about this but basically part of me says that I raised my parents rather than the other way around. There’s too many problems at home to a point that I don’t mind it that much and just go on with my life keeping a positive attitude about it — most especially patients and understanding.

There. I’m longing for that kind. I wanted to be supported in my studies. I want to ask money when I go out. I’d like them to buy me gadgets for my instruments. I don’t want to buy washing machines, refrigerators, coolers. I don’t want to budget our money for the week and I don’t want to worry on how will I make more money the next month. I don’t want my little sister depending so much on me than on them.

But there’s the challenge there. If I got all I wanted from my parents, will I still be me? Would I still be this hard working? Would I still be so patient and understanding to everyone I meet? Would I still be good in budgeting and handling money? Would I still be more concerned to my family and others or will I be thinking of myself only?

I think not. What we have and don’t have is what makes us. Our experiences build us and our goals strengthen us. We can’t cheat life. We can’t skip the harder struggles because we won’t be anything if everything is already given on a silver platter.

Inspirations That I Don’t Want To Be

If someone would ask me to name my  inspirations, I can’t. I don’t know why but I have no one. I don’t have a role model to look up to. Is that weird? Well, mmm. When it comes to musicians, I can name a few but it would still be not up to the point that I like everything about them and everything they do. It would be just limited to their music, compositions and how they play or sing. Other than that, none. When it comes to values, none.

You know what I do? I actually have a list (well not really written) of people that I don’t want to be. It would really sound mean but I do have them. I keep in my mind the attidudes, mistakes and decisions that I don’t ever wanna make.   If I know someone who is so selfish and takes so much pride, I’d rather be selfless and be humble. If that someone can’t even clean a room, I would prolly be too well to be organized.

I don’t want to be who they are because I can. I am not saying that their full of sh** and they don’t do any good. It’s just that I can focus more on their mistakes and what it has done to them and try not to make the same ones because I know that I can do better if I wanted to.

It’s like in my teaching career, being a guitar/violin/ukulele/drums teacher, I want to be a role model to all my class. I would never ever say bad words in front (never did to anyone) of them because I don’t want them to have a bad mouth. I know someone who speaks and I don’t to be like him especially when in class.

I want to be if not the best, to be good enough for my students. I want them learn everything I know. I’d like to teach them the reason behind everything in theories. I’d like to teach them how it’s properly done. I’d like to teach them what they want to learn. Most of my students enrolled for the lesson because they want to… I want to be the reason why they want to keep playing, learning and love music. I want to answer every question they have in mind. I’d like to make connections with them. I want to be sensitive enough to their needs. I would love to give my full attention. I want them to not be fully dependent on me. I want them to grow. I want them to treat every kind of music, from classical to pop to rnb to rock, equally and with respect.

I want all those things because I never had that kind of teacher in music. When I first had my guitar lesson, I learned nothing for 24 sessions but 2 songs. I don’t know how to play anything else. When I got to conservatory, almost everyone is all about discipline and less fun. They tend to insult pop music and treat classical genre a god. I don’t know but I think I stopped loving music when I got there. It was more like I was inside a box with them saying DO THIS NOT THAT.

I guess when I feel frustrated about something or someone, I realize that I never want to be that frustration or so I can say I will stop the chain of that negative vibe and convert it to a positive one. If I’ve experienced a bad learning environment, I’ll make a better one. I love my students and they keep me going. I got lots of frustrations to people but that is my inspiration. I try to be the best that I can be. I try not to give away same bad experiences I had.

No Two Voices Are The Same

It’s funny how we can never imagine how God actually created each and everyone of us so unique from each other. From our faces to the lines on our palm to the shape of our toes. Even twins and triplets are not exactly alike. But tonight, I noticed that even our voices, speaking or singing, are as equally unique.

I was dead tired when I got home from a whole day of teaching classes. I don’t want to do anything but to lie on my bed and listen to music. Turned on my playlist into shuffle and heard Hayley Williams’ (vocalist of Paramore) voice singing Zedd’s song. I realized that her voice is so distinct that I can’t compare her to any other singers.

After realizing that, made me think that no two voices are the same which is actually awesome. Can you name one artist that sounds exactly the same as another one? I bet none. That’s really cool. Even if we try to imitate them in karaokes… No way in hell that we would sound the same.

I know that this random thought is so light and simple but yeah, it made me smile and I’d love to share this to you guys. Lol.