For dreams to come true, will it cover our lifetime for us to reach it? Will it be decades? Will it be there when we wake up in the morning?
I never dreamed about something for myself not until my ex broke up with me 2 years ago. I will always be that girl who dreams for other people’s dreams to come true especially my family. And when I dream about myself back then, I dream to be with her always and forever. Same thing I guess, I dreamt about her dreams to come true. If their happy, I’m happy. I never thought so much about myself.
I talk about dreams a lot now because I’m itchy enough to get them. I think it was repressed for 23 years and it wants to break free from me. But I still can’t or won’t? Because I’m tied up with responsibilities at home. It’s not that they’re obliging me to make a living for them but I want to. I can never want to not help them. I can never dream alone living my family behind me.
Speaking of my ex, I’ve read stuff on facebook and twitter from our common friends. They are releasing their album soon and they will be having a tour in Europe. Wow. Good for her. I’ve always wanted her dreams to come true. I just wish I’d still be with her when it that they came but I am not. She wanted that and I’m happy for her. Even though we’re not talking anymore and even though she blocked me on facebook, I’m happy for her. No biggies. We had something for a while and it’s gone but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.
Before she broke up with me I had problems with my family. I had the same responsibilities and problems but on a lighter load. And same as it is, I just can’t let my family go. I was having a hard time and crying on her shoulder. She told me to let them go. She told me to think about myself first. She told me to leave them on their own – I didn’t.
What would I do? She had a point. If I leave my family, I can focus more on myself and achieve things for myself. Because they are dragging me. But I can’t. No, I can but I won’t. I know things would be easier if we let go of things that give us a harder time but no.
I think I’d wait for my time no matter how long it is because I can’t leave them behind. It wouldn’t feel any better if I am rich, popular and famous doing music if I’m not with them and they are having a hard time. I can’t live with that. If I want to achieve something, I want to share it. I want to achieve it with somebody by my side. I want to celebrate that achievement with somebody. I’m longing for my dreams to come true but I am not selfish enough to dream on my own. It’s not that I am not thinking of myself but sometimes it feels so much better being selfless.
I am hurting. I am suffering. But my heart is light, happy and at ease. It’s just time and I can be patient.