Make Me A Daughter

I can’t. I just can’t. All these FATHER’S DAY greetings — cheesiness all over facebook all thanking their fathers for being selfless, hardworking, an inspiration and everything. I can’t take it. It’s hard for me to even greet my dad. Ugh. Same with my mom on mother’s day.

Hay… 😦 Am I bad person if I don’t feel like greeting them at all? No. I am not thankful. But no, I am. I know I am. I know some parts of me still thinks so. But they aren’t my inspiration. It’s been years now and I try hard enough not to be like them.

Because I wanna be great. I want to be a better person than them. I want to be the right decision they didn’t take. I don’t want to make the same mistakes they did. No, I don’t like how unsecure I feel because I am the one who worries about what are we going to eat tomorrow. No, I don’t like to be too dependent on my children when I become a mom in the future. NO. I want to be a good one — an inspiration, a good example, a bad-ass in my career which I can make money enough not to worry about tomorrow.

So I just can’t. I can’t thank them now because there’s nothing to be thankful for. I am not a bitch I promise. I am just too tired living an inverted life — me being the parent and them being my children.

I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for them. I know I am thankful for them. But I can’t fake what I feel. I am just too hurt and sometimes… no all the time I mean. I want to feel like a daughter. I want to have an allowance everyday. I want to be pampered with gadgets and all that shizz. No I don’t want to buy our ref, washing machine, etc.

So I am sorry mom and dad but I love you and you know that and I can’t talk to you and be open anymore because you’re too childish on how you react and you make me feel that you don’t want to understand. I just want us to be stable. I want to build my own dreams now. I am turning 25 and I want to go back to school and finish it. I want to make time for my dreams and my career. I want to build a relationship and have my own family. But I can’t because you are holding me back. I know people would say that I have a choice to let this go but I am choosing not to because I love you. Please make me a daughter and that’s who I am but I don’t feel like it. 😦

Between The Lines

My mom and sister had a fight (almost) earlier. Long story. But I gotta say, I’m just really tired being the bridge of this family. It’s like I need to fix everything. It’s not that I don’t want to help but they are grown ups. They can fix their fights all on their own. Mom rants to me. Sister rants to me. Repeat 100x. And it’s not always them. Sometimes it’s my dad and mom. Sometimes my sister and my dad. Ugh. I love them. I don’t want them fighting. I don’t want them misinterprenting everything they say or do to each other. It ruins the relationship. I don’t want that. Can I ever get out of it? I have my own life too.

I know we don’t need to always read between lines but sometimes we need to. People may not always mean what they say. They struggle for words too. Sometimes they say things according to what they feel at the moment but feelings are temporary. Happiness won’t last forever and so as anger. We also can not always rely for bridges/messengers to fix things for us. They have their own lives to live. We can not always depend on other people to fix relationships. We need to communicate on our own to the people we had conflict with and we need to be open. We can never be right all the time and we can never be wrong all the time. It’s not always what you think that matters. There are always other sides to consider.