Letting Go & Moving On

My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more  regular heartbreaks.

This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.

I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.

Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.

To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Letting Go & Moving On

  1. Times of change are always difficult, but losing a loved one has to be one of the hardest.
    It seems to me that you need to take your focus from finances and being a good daughter. You did great, but that chapter is over, at least for the moment. Ask yourself what you want from life. What are your dreams? Do you have personal goals? This time is for you šŸ˜‰ Good luck finding happiness and goals.

  2. Losing a loved one is always a personal struggle to overcome it somehow and move on. I’m a non believer but my heart goes out to you and your family. I’m sorry for your loss and sincerely hope that things would get better with time. Don’t quit and just keep going on.
    Loads of love to you. šŸ™‚

  3. Feeling lost after a traumatic event. I don’t see a problem. Feeling empty after all you’ve done and endured. Normal because in the moment you are empty. All of us at times go empty. Normal and usual. Writing it out, oh that is good stuff! Cathartic and constructive and not an escape. Especially so if you’re honest with the page.

    Trying to fill that empty hole and wondering what you’re going to use to fill it is also normal and usual. What else is normal and usual is you have to go through it. You don’t have to get over it. You do have to go through, around and maybe even under it to move on.

    Thanks for dropping by my place. I’m glad I popped over to yours.

    If the blank page gives you a hard time, try this.
    https://transitionu.wordpress.com/2014/12/04/and-i-said/

    Now if you can write the dots, maybe we should talk some.

    • I will certainly pray for you and I wish I had the perfect words to heal your heart but alas there are no perfect words. Having lost my Father 23 years ago it seems just as fresh some days as it was just yesterday. I do know that no one can ever remove the love or memories I have in my heart and that sharing that love and memories with others makes me feel the best. So maybe for you writing a song about you and your Dad and sharing it with others no matter how much it might make you cry might be healing and soothing to your soul and will help share his memories with many. Post a video of the song on your site I am sure many here would love to see it.

  4. Deepest condolences to you and your family. Losing a parent leaves a gap that may seem filled up with the passage of time but in reality it will never. I sometime wonder how will I react when I go through the same.

  5. Your loss is shared with all of us who follow your blog. As you say, you are usually optimistic and a fighter. You probably can’t be optimistic right now, but you can still fight. Fight through this blankness you’re feeling, and everything else until you find your center again. There will be pain, but sometimes we need it to move on. I don’t remember where this is from but one of my favorite things to remember when I’m sad is this quote: “Cry when you are sad. When you are done, the world will move on.” I will pray for you and your family, but don’t stop fighting, and keep making music.

  6. I lost my mom when I was 12. I am praying for you. Fill the hole with God when you can and know that you will see your (human) daddy again. Makes our own death easier to face!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s