I haven’t written in a while. Probably because I don’t like anyone to know what has been happening to me – nothing much actually. For the past few years (especially a few months ago), I feel like I have this dark over me everywhere I go. Anytime it can rain on me or the feeling that goes with it.
I’m seeing the sun. Everything is the same but not me. I don’t know how I feel. Or maybe I grew numb already. I’m actually tired of feeling.
Happiness. Where was the authenticy of this? I get to smile. I get to laugh. But I don’t think I’m really happy.
I get to get up everyday, do my job, hangout with my friends but I don’t feel any excitement at anything at all. I’m not looking forward to anything. I don’t know what I want anymore.
The past month, I’ve been feeling this feeling more and more. I even drank pills just to let me sleep. I took it for a week. It helped me calm down and sleep. The weeks followed and all I wanted to sleep.
I don’t know. Maybe in sleeping, even if I do have nightmares, I know it’s not real. I get to escape reality.
My life has been lame. My stories are the same. My problems are the same (and sometimes getting worse). I stopped talking to my friends about my problems. Why? Even my ears don’t want to listen to it anymore.
I wanted a new chapter but everytime I go unto the next, it’s always the same. When do I go forward? I always try. I know I have been trying hard. But I’m also tired. So tired that sometimes I don’t want to wake up anymore. 😔