She Kissed Me First

Can you guys forgive mo for being a bit in a high school fever for now? lol

So I had this dream last night. Well, I’ve been stressed at work recently and so some of it was still in my dreams. Damn me for being a workaholic. haha. Anyway, a part of is stood out. 

Backstory:

I had a crush on this girl (Yes, a girl. I like girls sometimes.) 3 years ago. I don’t like her anymore but we text each other every other time just to catch up.

The Dream:

I came home from an outreach or work from out of town. I saw my ex-crush on the street almost near our house but I pretended not to see her so I just passed by her. A few minutes after arriving at my house, she knocked on the door and talked to me. Uhm, she was more like furious I guess? She was mad at me because she knows that I pretended not to see her. So in my mind, what can be a big deal since we’re not that close? 

She keeps on blabbing words but the thought of what she was telling me was: 1) She remembered the time when I told her signs that I love a person. I forgot the other parts but the last one was pretending not to notice that person. 2) She was furious because she has feelings for me and she doesn’t know if I was feeling the same way.
Then she kissed me. I kissed her back. I FELT IT. It felt good. It felt right. It felt real as if I wasn’t dreaming.

Waking up to reality:

I started thinking about her again and that kiss keeps on replaying on my mind. It’s sooooo weird. What should I do?

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This World Needs Healing

Ok, maybe not that rich or not even rich. Maybe having enough is fine with me. Enough meaning we can pay our bills on time without killing ourselves on work, having our own house, having our own car, having a stable business & career, having emergency funds and savings.

So when I reach that point in my life (and I will), I want to do the following things:

1. TEACH STREET CHILDREN FOR FREE. I’ll coordinate with barangay chairmans & different churches. I’ll get my musician friends to help me teach and we’ll get sponsors. It would be a great opportunity for them to appreciate music and for them to be far away from drugs and other violence on the streets.

2. Buy a lot of rain coats and during rainy season, go around the streets and give it away to people who needs them. We’ve been to a stage where we almost lost our hope but people (especially our friends — yes, more than our family) helped us and I couldn’t express how thankful I am for them. So I promised myself that I will never their help for granted and do the same thing to others. Manila streets are not ready for a rainy season. Even those with houses are not prepared. Beggars don’t have any shelter. They use cardboards so that they won’t get wet. At least with raincoats, they are somehow protected.

3. Go to the HOME FOR THE AGED regularly — tell stories, sing and perform with them, play majong and cards and many more. I love older people but sometimes I feel that some children don’t show their appreciation that much to them. They have a few years to live and I want to give them good memories. It hurts me to see them lonely, unappreciated and unwanted.

These are my TOP 3. I know in time I’ll have a longer list. I hope I can have the chance to do these things especially while I am still young. 

I know papa God will guide me in this life. I won’t make money be my hindrance in doing these things. I will work hard so that my family could have enough. When we have enough, it would be our time to give back.

This world needs healing. Soon everything will set in to place.

Let’s Paint the World with a Smile

I’ve been crying a lot tonight. It started when was watching the Korean drama entitled “doctors”. A a scene on the 2nd episode triggered me to miss my grandparents (grandmoms to be exact cause I never had the chance to bond with my grandpas). The lead actress got the highest score in math and she was telling the good news to her grandma. They were both happy with the news and her grandma was so proud of her.

I remember how my grandmas (even my dad), who have passed away, giving me those smiles when they are happy. Older people have that certain smile that makes me feel that maybe it’s because of how appreciative they are. They notice every small good thing there is. They are thankful for it and it shows. It’s so genuine — just like how innocent children smile. I’ve never seen anyone in my age group with that smile. 

It’s like a domino, or a virus but it’s a great thing (oh how I wish, this virus spread faster than cancer & hate). If you share that smile to somebody else, that person most probably be smiling back too and somewhat feel happy about it — just because you smiled at him/her.

We know how life can be dragging sometimes because of our responsibilities — most especially because we need to make money in order to pay bills. I don’t want to live my life wasting time trying to pay bills. I don’t have enough time to bond with my family because we keep on working. We are not rich and we are still not stable financially. I don’t want money to be a hindrance to live my life. 

I told myself that I wanna write songs, perform and sell records worldwide. I want to be an international singer-songwriter. That was my dream. Tonight, papa God reminded me of who I truly am as a person. I care a lot about people and it hurts me if they are down and/or treated badly. I want to make people happy. I want to put smiles on people’s faces and not just because of my jokes but because of how I show appreciation for them. I want to have more time to live my life and to make it worthwhile. I want to be someone’s reason why they are smiling.

Can we try to spread some good vibes today? Put on that smile on your face & tell someone you appreciate and love them! Have a great day ahead!

Miss Independent

“I’ve just been swimming in the same pool for too long. There are new seas out there that I have to go conquer.” – Cat Grant, Supergirl Season 2

Oh, how I wish I have a Cat Grant in my life — to find meaning, purpose and direction in my life. I guess the universe didn’t give me one because the world knows that “I am a strong independent woman.” repeat to self 100x.

But to be honest, most of the independent people are probably looking for someone to depend on just like others depend on them. Well, at least, that applies to me. The problem may be because we have higher standards and may be we’re searching for somebody like us or even better than us. And it’s hard. It’s hard and it feels lonely. 

When you try to give everyone what you can and even if you can’t, you try and try until it breaks you and until you can, you never receive the same amount of effort that you give to them. Sucks. Am I in the wrong place? Am I stuck somewhere where I shouldn’t be?

Because in my head and in my heart, I know that I would be better if I leave the people around me that (I feel) has been dragging me down and pulling me back. I know to myself that things would be easier and I would achieve a lot. But my conscience sticks with them. You know why? Cause how can I do that if it’s my family we’re talking about? If they are the ones pulling you down, how can you leave? If you have all the right reasons to leave and one reason to stay? And that being your family.

It sucks to be strong sometimes.

Philippines, Why Are We Broken?

You know that feeling when you’re at the edge of your relationship — the times when you feel that nothing is working out anymore and all you can see are your indifferences? Yes, the time that you realize that the relationship is no longer working and that you need to break up.

That is exactly how I feel now — except that HOW CAN I BREAK UP WITH A COUNTRY?

Everything’s just frustrating. Have you heard of what’s happening in our country? Ever since the elections and when Duterte became president, I feel like everything is messed up. Regardless of what his ways of running the country are, all that I want to focus on is how the Filipinos use their FREEDOM OF SPEECH on social networking sites.

On every news or blog page, there is always a “war” or some sort. I really don’t know how to explain it but people kept on swearing on other people — yes, those are the comments regardless of what the news is. 

1. News: Duterte won the elections.

People: Yes, finally! Fuck you Yellowtards! (“Yellowtard” is the term they call anyone who is against Duterte — generalizing everyone.)

2. News: Hundreds of people died as they were alleged drug addicts.

Most of the comments: Kill them all!

Some of the comments: Alleged?

Other comments: Fuck off yellowtards! You idiots!

Ok. I may sound anti-Duterte on my post but I am not completely against him. I like how he can be a hope for a lot of Filipinos but I don’t like his morals. He is the president of our country and I wish he could be a good example for us to be united as one.

Even kids (read it from the news) wanted to kill when they grow up. Don’t even get me started with the swearing and bad words. Does it still sound cool? How will their generation be like?

Everytime someone posts or make an opinion about something that contradicts to the president, I feel like they don’t read or listen anymore. That’s just it. It’s final. Duterte is king. Everyone else is a moron.

How do we deal with this?

It’s a sickness and it’s killing our country faster than cancer. It’s really frustrating and hopeless.

LOVE — There’s Nothing You Can Do About It.

Regardless on how it started, who is it with, who you are hurting in the process — it is still LOVE and there is nothing you can do about it.

Have you been cheated on? Did your ex fell in love with his new girlfriend when he was still with you? Did you ever fall in love with someone who is married? 

It sucks right? 

Is it stupid? Is it wrong? Fuck yeah and it hurts!

But that doesn’t mean that what they have isn’t love. That doesn’t mean that what you had isn’t true. We just got to accept the fact that that love is not for us anymore (cause sometimes timing is just a bitch). You can never dicate what’s right and what’s wrong when you talk about love. It is just how it is –regardless who you are with, who you hurt, how you started and ended it.

With all these Brad and Angelina split with Jennifer Anniston memes on the internet, I can’t help but put my thoughts into this. I would have rejoiced if my ex was cheated by his new girlfriend but the thing is it would only make me feel better for a while and I would not even be the better person for feeling happy about it.

Love really has its mysteriouly ridiculous ways. Stupid enough to make us addicted to the feeling and we just need to accept that fact.

Burning Bridges; Putting Down Walls

It’s hard when you have invested a lot of time and emotion to people but in the end, still lost. We tend to put up higher and stronger walls around us so nobody can hurt us anymore. We have burnt bridges to avoid that feeling.

I have burnt a lot of bridges and it gets easier as time goes by. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing or not. Part of me is afraid that I may have guarded my heart so much that I don’t allow myself to feel anymore.

I just wish that when the time comes and we are all tired and afraid to get hurt, we’ll meet new ones who will invest all their efforts just to break those walls — just like what we did for the people who have left us — may be even better.