Sleep

I haven’t written in a while. Probably because I don’t like anyone to know what has been happening to me – nothing much actually. For the past few years (especially a few months ago), I feel like I have this dark over me everywhere I go. Anytime it can rain on me or the feeling that goes with it.

I’m seeing the sun. Everything is the same but not me. I don’t know how I feel. Or maybe I grew numb already. I’m actually tired of feeling.

Happiness. Where was the authenticy of this? I get to smile. I get to laugh. But I don’t think I’m really happy.

I get to get up everyday, do my job, hangout with my friends but I don’t feel any excitement at anything at all. I’m not looking forward to anything. I don’t know what I want anymore.

The past month, I’ve been feeling this feeling more and more. I even drank pills just to let me sleep. I took it for a week. It helped me calm down and sleep. The weeks followed and all I wanted to sleep.

I don’t know. Maybe in sleeping, even if I do have nightmares, I know it’s not real. I get to escape reality.

My life has been lame. My stories are the same. My problems are the same (and sometimes getting worse). I stopped talking to my friends about my problems. Why? Even my ears don’t want to listen to it anymore.

I wanted a new chapter but everytime I go unto the next, it’s always the same. When do I go forward? I always try. I know I have been trying hard. But I’m also tired. So tired that sometimes I don’t want to wake up anymore. 😔

Let’s Paint the World with a Smile

I’ve been crying a lot tonight. It started when was watching the Korean drama entitled “doctors”. A a scene on the 2nd episode triggered me to miss my grandparents (grandmoms to be exact cause I never had the chance to bond with my grandpas). The lead actress got the highest score in math and she was telling the good news to her grandma. They were both happy with the news and her grandma was so proud of her.

I remember how my grandmas (even my dad), who have passed away, giving me those smiles when they are happy. Older people have that certain smile that makes me feel that maybe it’s because of how appreciative they are. They notice every small good thing there is. They are thankful for it and it shows. It’s so genuine — just like how innocent children smile. I’ve never seen anyone in my age group with that smile. 

It’s like a domino, or a virus but it’s a great thing (oh how I wish, this virus spread faster than cancer & hate). If you share that smile to somebody else, that person most probably be smiling back too and somewhat feel happy about it — just because you smiled at him/her.

We know how life can be dragging sometimes because of our responsibilities — most especially because we need to make money in order to pay bills. I don’t want to live my life wasting time trying to pay bills. I don’t have enough time to bond with my family because we keep on working. We are not rich and we are still not stable financially. I don’t want money to be a hindrance to live my life. 

I told myself that I wanna write songs, perform and sell records worldwide. I want to be an international singer-songwriter. That was my dream. Tonight, papa God reminded me of who I truly am as a person. I care a lot about people and it hurts me if they are down and/or treated badly. I want to make people happy. I want to put smiles on people’s faces and not just because of my jokes but because of how I show appreciation for them. I want to have more time to live my life and to make it worthwhile. I want to be someone’s reason why they are smiling.

Can we try to spread some good vibes today? Put on that smile on your face & tell someone you appreciate and love them! Have a great day ahead!

Burning Bridges; Putting Down Walls

It’s hard when you have invested a lot of time and emotion to people but in the end, still lost. We tend to put up higher and stronger walls around us so nobody can hurt us anymore. We have burnt bridges to avoid that feeling.

I have burnt a lot of bridges and it gets easier as time goes by. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing or not. Part of me is afraid that I may have guarded my heart so much that I don’t allow myself to feel anymore.

I just wish that when the time comes and we are all tired and afraid to get hurt, we’ll meet new ones who will invest all their efforts just to break those walls — just like what we did for the people who have left us — may be even better.

It’s Easier To Like What We Don’t Have

It’s easier to like what we don’t have.

I don’t like to generalize but I just realized this. A few years ago I was so pre-occupied with work and taking care of my family. I was working day and night to pay bills especially my dad’s medication. I was longing for my time. I keep on pushing myself to work harder because I know in the end, it pays off. There goes my time. My time to reach my dreams.

I don’t know how I did it but I wrote and composed a lot of songs in a span of 3 years. Well, the first year was because my ex broke up with me. But I was busy for the last 2 years. I don’t even know what or who my inspiration was. I just hold on to the thought that i need to make time for myself. No matter how short it was, I need to sing, play and write music. I won’t let anything get in the way. I won’t let our family problems stop me from making music. So I did.

Since my dad passed away, I hate to admit it, but our life was better and lighter. I don’t need to work too much because we have lesser bills to pay. I have a lot of time in the world. I have more than enough. I haven’t written anything since then. Blank. Everything is blank.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the thrill and the excitement? Cause I can’t have it back then, I was motivated to reach my dreams. Come to think of it, everything is falling in to their places. All I need to do is to take a step forward and yet I’m not doing it. No hindrance at all. I wonder why.

Do you think it’s the same with relationships? How come we always here issues regarding third parties? Are people just bored? So they just prefer excitement once in a while? What’s this thing that they say about guys? Like they like girls better when they’re hard to get? Well, I think that goes to the girls also. Who would want an easy to get? Mmm.

A Hole In My Chest

June 21, 2015, Sunday – Father’s day. This was by far the most difficult day for me go online. I think unconsciously as this day came, I was waiting for it. Maybe because I don’t know how it would feel like. I don’t know what this day would be like.

My dad isn’t here anymore. This is the first time we celebrated father’s day without him. I don’t remember him missing any important occasion. HE IS ALWAYS THERE. From birthdays, to graduations, first communions, confirmations and even gigs.

I, to tell you honestly, don’t know what to say. I effin miss him so bad. Our family used to be like magnets. We can’t be separated from each other. We go to church together, both of our parents drive us to school, we shop together, my dad is even the one who tells us to go to the salon and get a hot oil with mani and pedi package. We even go to a convenience store together just to buy a midnight snack. I miss him so bad.

I miss us eating to different restaurants and going to movies. I miss our vacations. We would go on a road trip just to eat and eat again. My dad used to let me go with him when he watches gigs even if I’m was just around 5 years old. I miss playing with him. I miss how he teaches me old school music over and over again. I miss laughing and fool around with him. I miss talking to him about politics and random issues in our society. I miss him being selfish and sometimes self-centered. I miss him being a show-off and mayabang. I miss him being a liar and being the one who can’t accept his mistakes most of the time. I miss how he keeps on eating food that isn’t allowed to him. I miss everything my dad is. I can’t say it enough because my heart keeps on breaking everytimes it comes to my mind that he won’t coming back.

Everytime someone I love passes away, I always feel like our time together was too short even if we spent a lot together. It always feels like it wasn’t enough. But everytime I do think of this, the other thoughts came to mind — how about my half siblings? I have a half brother and a half sister. How often did they spend their time with my dad? Was he ever present on their birthdays? How about their graduations? I doubt that my dad was there every Christmas and New Year. How about my half sister’s debut? Was she able to dance with my dad like I did?

We were lucky to have him almost 24/7 in our lives. He’s so overprotective that sometimes I felt that if he could still be with us during our bad dreams, he will still be there. My siblings weren’t able to spend most of their time with my dad.

What more to those who were raised by single moms out there. To those kids who grew up without their fathers. More so to the kids who haven’t met their fathers at all.

When my dad died, I felt like something is missing – a big hole in my chest that I don’t know how to fill. I couldn’t imagine what others might me going through. I could avoid browsing facebook and instagram all day and not see posts about how my friends celebrated today’s occassion with their fathers. But who am I kidding? It will always be like this. I have no choice but to accept the fact that my dad is gone. I have to face a lot of new memories without him. BUT A lot of kids weren’t able to spend Father’s day at all. Why should I brag and complain? This may take time. Hoping that it wouldn’t take that long.

I miss you daddy. To my hero and my first boyfriend, Happy father’s day in heaven! Flying kisses from your baby girl. :-* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

Letting Go & Moving On

My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more  regular heartbreaks.

This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.

I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.

Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.

To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.

Push

Overfatigue. Cancelled all my classes this afternoon. Feels like I’m always reasoning out but things keep on coming. I’m so tired about everything but I don’t want those things to be reasons for me to give up. My battery is low, my brain is in a chaos, my body needs more than 2 hours of sleep and my tummy needs more than 1 regular meal a day. I’m desperate for prayers. If you are reading this post, please take a minute or two to pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thankful for all my friends who’s always there for me. You know who you guys are. Just like you to know how blessed I am to have you around. Thankful for all our students patient enough to bare with a lot of changes in our school. You’re one of the reasons why I keep on pushing. Thank you! I promise not to quit. #st

Wanting Two Places At The Same Time (Part 1)

I was just browsing my instagram feed earlier then I cam across my friends’ profile. They’re baristas (oh no, not in starbucks) and they really like making coffee. It is their passion. Saw pictures of them making coffee in different stores & restaurants here in Manila, competing in different contests in asia and now videos of them at brewing a coffee in the US. I’m happy for them and at the same time inspired… also somewhat jealous, I guess?

It is inspiring how people chase their dreams especially when they finally reached it. I just love the idea. I want that too. But somehow dreams, I guess, it’s not the right time for me yet. Everytime I try to push myself to chase that dream, problems come along the way waving a banner telling me STOP. Well at least for just a while.

Seeig their instagram profiles made me dream better. We don’t have the same passion or dream but I am hanging on to mine. I want to be a singer songwriter and a performer someday. Who knows maybe not just here in Manila but maybe I can share my songs to the whole world too. I said to myself NO. I WANT THAT TOO. STOPPING WON’T DO ME ANY GOOD. I’LL CHASE FOR IT EVEN I MAKE BABY STEPS FOR YEARS. AT LEAST I AM NOT STOPPING.

Someday, I’m not going to stay here stuck with my problems at home and at work. Someday, money can’t hold us back. Someday, I will make my own songs, perform around the world and be paid for it. Someday, I will share my talent and finally make a foundation teaching and helping street children music for free. SOMEDAY.

I hope that SOMEDAY will be SOON.

RISING

I am proud of how I keep on pulling myself back up everytime I fall down.

Oh, you wouldn’t want to trade your position to mine. If you just know the story of my life, you probably wonder how do I get by each day. You’ll probably wonder why the hell I still laugh, joke about a lot of stuff, appreciate small things, finish work & errands, go out and have fun at the same time. There’s just a lot of factors pulling and breaking me down, a lot of reasons to give up and too many things I can leave behind. But that’s not my focus here. I’m not just boosting my self esteem but I am really really proud how I keep on pulling myself back up when I fall down. Some stay down. Some look for inspirations.

Some depend on others and wait for them to pull them up. AREN’T THEY WASTING TIME? Why would you indulge in staying on the ground with your problems? No matter what it is, THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. If you don’t like the situation, CHANGE IT. The decision is always up to you, DO IT. What if we can’t find inspirations? The question is, do we really need to? If we keep on depending our motivation and decision from others, we tend to be frustrated and sad if they don’t do what is expected. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Some stay, some go. INSPIRE YOURSELF. It’s only a matter of how you think and see things. If you get frustrated with people around you, still… be inspired. Be the person they are not. BE BETTER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, KEEP ON GOING.

You wouldn’t believe how strong you will become. You’ll be surprised to where you can possibly be.   It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s true, I’ve witnessed this a couple of times and I am proud of who I am. I feel so gateful for everything that had happened and blessed for everyone I met, who left and stayed.

Whatever it is, it brought me here.

PEOPLE COME AND GO. SOME STAY SOME DON’T. Maybe this is where I wanted to focus more. I am actually thankful that people who passed by my life didn’t stay. I figured out who my real friends are, who sticks with me, who loves me most and who, whatever happens, will fight for me.

There are a lot of somebody-that-I-used-to-know’s in my life but I don’t care. There are a lot of friends that are not my friends anymore but so what? There are a few ex-bestfriends and and and an ex lover but then again, so what? I have a gazillion (of course, I’m exaggerating) awesome people around me now and I’m thankful for them. What I have now are deeper and mature relationships… also lighter in a way. I gained a lot too. I gained a lot of friends in different fields of work.

I just love the way everything happens for a reason. Yes, cliche but it’s true right? If my ex-friends stayed, would I be able to meet the new ones? If I’m still with my partner right now, would I have the time to be open for new relationships and entertain new people in my life? If we didn’t broke up, I’m not sure if I can write songs. If I stayed at the conservatory will I be able to give time writing songs? I’m not exactly happy that it didn’t work out but I think I’m just looking at the brighter side.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. Good and bad, joyful and painful… whatever it is, it brought me here. And I am happy.