When I Asked for Happiness

August 13, 2019, Tuesday. Today was the first time in years that I have prayed for what I really need – I want to be happy. For years, I have been praying for the things my family needed. Material ones are on top of my list because we don’t have that much and I was desperate for us to be ok. From time to time, I pray for our health.

This morning was different from all the mornings I’ve had. I mostly don’t witness mornings because I was probably sleeping the whole time (cause I overworked myself until night time). I woke up at 3am and got out of bed at 6am. I wasn’t sleepy. My body was conditioned to work for the day – that was unexpected. As I was preparing for my classes, my head was also clear. I know I have a lot in my mind when I slept and I know I have a lot to worry about today and the coming days but my head was clear. I was at peace – it was again, unexpected.

So I prayed to God, “Papa God, I want to be happy.” That was it. For the first time in so many years, I think this time that was really what I neede. It was short but it meant the whole world to me – it was unexpected. I was used to praying for a lot of things on my list. I enumare it. I add my reasons too. But this morning was just one sentence and I felt so relieved about it. I felt the pain in my chest released and I feel light. I was at ease.
Never had I imagined that what supposed to be what I wanted was really what I needed. I kept on asking for material things – money & have more clients to pay our bills and to have food on our table. I forgot that my happiness is important too. I was important too. Never had I imagined that in order for me to fulfill my duties and responsibilities at home and provide for my family, I need to be happy first. God wanted the best for me and I was asking for those silly things. All these years, He wanted me to be happy but I kept myself in the dark. I was lost in my own worries. God loved me more than I loved myself. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

I hope that today, everyone who reads this blog entry will feel as light, at ease and happy as I am.

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Miss Independent

“I’ve just been swimming in the same pool for too long. There are new seas out there that I have to go conquer.” – Cat Grant, Supergirl Season 2

Oh, how I wish I have a Cat Grant in my life — to find meaning, purpose and direction in my life. I guess the universe didn’t give me one because the world knows that “I am a strong independent woman.” repeat to self 100x.

But to be honest, most of the independent people are probably looking for someone to depend on just like others depend on them. Well, at least, that applies to me. The problem may be because we have higher standards and may be we’re searching for somebody like us or even better than us. And it’s hard. It’s hard and it feels lonely. 

When you try to give everyone what you can and even if you can’t, you try and try until it breaks you and until you can, you never receive the same amount of effort that you give to them. Sucks. Am I in the wrong place? Am I stuck somewhere where I shouldn’t be?

Because in my head and in my heart, I know that I would be better if I leave the people around me that (I feel) has been dragging me down and pulling me back. I know to myself that things would be easier and I would achieve a lot. But my conscience sticks with them. You know why? Cause how can I do that if it’s my family we’re talking about? If they are the ones pulling you down, how can you leave? If you have all the right reasons to leave and one reason to stay? And that being your family.

It sucks to be strong sometimes.

Philippines, Why Are We Broken?

You know that feeling when you’re at the edge of your relationship — the times when you feel that nothing is working out anymore and all you can see are your indifferences? Yes, the time that you realize that the relationship is no longer working and that you need to break up.

That is exactly how I feel now — except that HOW CAN I BREAK UP WITH A COUNTRY?

Everything’s just frustrating. Have you heard of what’s happening in our country? Ever since the elections and when Duterte became president, I feel like everything is messed up. Regardless of what his ways of running the country are, all that I want to focus on is how the Filipinos use their FREEDOM OF SPEECH on social networking sites.

On every news or blog page, there is always a “war” or some sort. I really don’t know how to explain it but people kept on swearing on other people — yes, those are the comments regardless of what the news is. 

1. News: Duterte won the elections.

People: Yes, finally! Fuck you Yellowtards! (“Yellowtard” is the term they call anyone who is against Duterte — generalizing everyone.)

2. News: Hundreds of people died as they were alleged drug addicts.

Most of the comments: Kill them all!

Some of the comments: Alleged?

Other comments: Fuck off yellowtards! You idiots!

Ok. I may sound anti-Duterte on my post but I am not completely against him. I like how he can be a hope for a lot of Filipinos but I don’t like his morals. He is the president of our country and I wish he could be a good example for us to be united as one.

Even kids (read it from the news) wanted to kill when they grow up. Don’t even get me started with the swearing and bad words. Does it still sound cool? How will their generation be like?

Everytime someone posts or make an opinion about something that contradicts to the president, I feel like they don’t read or listen anymore. That’s just it. It’s final. Duterte is king. Everyone else is a moron.

How do we deal with this?

It’s a sickness and it’s killing our country faster than cancer. It’s really frustrating and hopeless.

Blogging Is A Therapy

There are certain times in our lives that we get so preoccupied (and lost) in our life, problems, responsibilities, jobs and many more that we forget to breathe once in a while.

I think you guys know what I mean. That happened to my 2015. Too many things had happened that I didn’t get enough time for myself to sit back and think about random stuff without any pressure at all. If someone’s going to ask me HOW MY 2015 WAS, I’m just going to answer some experiences and that’s just it. Where was my growth?

Thinking about it, there was a lot. Now, I’m trying to recall and it feels like everything is eating me. Which is which? What did I learn after this and that experience? There were too many that I forgot how it felt like.

Everytime I lose myself with my problems and responsibilities, I take my time and read my previous posts. It’s something to remind me of who I am, what kind of person I am, how I think, and my perspectives in life. I wasn’t able to write for months because I was too preoccupied.

It’s a bit frustrating that I didn’t blog much this year and sorry for that. I wanted to re-read some of my blog posts but there’s nothing much.

Writing and blogging is a therapy for me. It’s an outlet to release feelings, opinions I am not able to tell (or just something I want to share), and reflections in life.

2016 is a few hours away and I’m putting BLOGGING on top of my NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION.

Will be reading blogs again too! I’ve missed everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Makes Me Feel Alive

It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?

This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.

I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.

Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.

The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.

Make Use Of What You Have

I don’t understand why people aren’t always contented. They always want more. They always want what isn’t there. Well, sometimes it isn’t that bad. Wanting something you don’t have leads you to making your goals and building dreams. But some people… ugh. Some people!

Some people can’t function without the thing that they don’t have. Like for example, you have a typical guitar and you’re too lazy to practice because it would be so much better if you could play with a high end expensive guitar. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? How can you improve your skills now? You just sit there and wait for a Martin guitar to fall from thr sky before you can practice? See what I mean?

Another one, if you’re fixing your stuff, organizing papers and you can’t finish just because it would be better if there is a filing cabinet. So there… all your papers scattered unorganized just because there’s no filing cabinet. Ugh. But you can still segregate them, put them into a pile at some part of the room.

Seriously, I met people like these. Those are just a few examples. Those are very bad examples on how to live your life. We can’t have everything. WE CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT WE WANT BUT WE CAN WORK FOR IT. If you want that expensive guitar, work for it. You have to earn it. Practice hare. You may never know, maybe someone will discover your talent and even sponsor a better guitar.

There’s something better in stored for us in this life but we can’t have them if we don’t work for it. You are in a specific situation because you need to. And if you don’t like where you are, make use of what you have and build better dreams with it.