Miss Independent

“I’ve just been swimming in the same pool for too long. There are new seas out there that I have to go conquer.” – Cat Grant, Supergirl Season 2

Oh, how I wish I have a Cat Grant in my life — to find meaning, purpose and direction in my life. I guess the universe didn’t give me one because the world knows that “I am a strong independent woman.” repeat to self 100x.

But to be honest, most of the independent people are probably looking for someone to depend on just like others depend on them. Well, at least, that applies to me. The problem may be because we have higher standards and may be we’re searching for somebody like us or even better than us. And it’s hard. It’s hard and it feels lonely. 

When you try to give everyone what you can and even if you can’t, you try and try until it breaks you and until you can, you never receive the same amount of effort that you give to them. Sucks. Am I in the wrong place? Am I stuck somewhere where I shouldn’t be?

Because in my head and in my heart, I know that I would be better if I leave the people around me that (I feel) has been dragging me down and pulling me back. I know to myself that things would be easier and I would achieve a lot. But my conscience sticks with them. You know why? Cause how can I do that if it’s my family we’re talking about? If they are the ones pulling you down, how can you leave? If you have all the right reasons to leave and one reason to stay? And that being your family.

It sucks to be strong sometimes.

Philippines, Why Are We Broken?

You know that feeling when you’re at the edge of your relationship — the times when you feel that nothing is working out anymore and all you can see are your indifferences? Yes, the time that you realize that the relationship is no longer working and that you need to break up.

That is exactly how I feel now — except that HOW CAN I BREAK UP WITH A COUNTRY?

Everything’s just frustrating. Have you heard of what’s happening in our country? Ever since the elections and when Duterte became president, I feel like everything is messed up. Regardless of what his ways of running the country are, all that I want to focus on is how the Filipinos use their FREEDOM OF SPEECH on social networking sites.

On every news or blog page, there is always a “war” or some sort. I really don’t know how to explain it but people kept on swearing on other people — yes, those are the comments regardless of what the news is. 

1. News: Duterte won the elections.

People: Yes, finally! Fuck you Yellowtards! (“Yellowtard” is the term they call anyone who is against Duterte — generalizing everyone.)

2. News: Hundreds of people died as they were alleged drug addicts.

Most of the comments: Kill them all!

Some of the comments: Alleged?

Other comments: Fuck off yellowtards! You idiots!

Ok. I may sound anti-Duterte on my post but I am not completely against him. I like how he can be a hope for a lot of Filipinos but I don’t like his morals. He is the president of our country and I wish he could be a good example for us to be united as one.

Even kids (read it from the news) wanted to kill when they grow up. Don’t even get me started with the swearing and bad words. Does it still sound cool? How will their generation be like?

Everytime someone posts or make an opinion about something that contradicts to the president, I feel like they don’t read or listen anymore. That’s just it. It’s final. Duterte is king. Everyone else is a moron.

How do we deal with this?

It’s a sickness and it’s killing our country faster than cancer. It’s really frustrating and hopeless.

Blogging Is A Therapy

There are certain times in our lives that we get so preoccupied (and lost) in our life, problems, responsibilities, jobs and many more that we forget to breathe once in a while.

I think you guys know what I mean. That happened to my 2015. Too many things had happened that I didn’t get enough time for myself to sit back and think about random stuff without any pressure at all. If someone’s going to ask me HOW MY 2015 WAS, I’m just going to answer some experiences and that’s just it. Where was my growth?

Thinking about it, there was a lot. Now, I’m trying to recall and it feels like everything is eating me. Which is which? What did I learn after this and that experience? There were too many that I forgot how it felt like.

Everytime I lose myself with my problems and responsibilities, I take my time and read my previous posts. It’s something to remind me of who I am, what kind of person I am, how I think, and my perspectives in life. I wasn’t able to write for months because I was too preoccupied.

It’s a bit frustrating that I didn’t blog much this year and sorry for that. I wanted to re-read some of my blog posts but there’s nothing much.

Writing and blogging is a therapy for me. It’s an outlet to release feelings, opinions I am not able to tell (or just something I want to share), and reflections in life.

2016 is a few hours away and I’m putting BLOGGING on top of my NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION.

Will be reading blogs again too! I’ve missed everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Makes Me Feel Alive

It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?

This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.

I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.

Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.

The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.

Make Use Of What You Have

I don’t understand why people aren’t always contented. They always want more. They always want what isn’t there. Well, sometimes it isn’t that bad. Wanting something you don’t have leads you to making your goals and building dreams. But some people… ugh. Some people!

Some people can’t function without the thing that they don’t have. Like for example, you have a typical guitar and you’re too lazy to practice because it would be so much better if you could play with a high end expensive guitar. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? How can you improve your skills now? You just sit there and wait for a Martin guitar to fall from thr sky before you can practice? See what I mean?

Another one, if you’re fixing your stuff, organizing papers and you can’t finish just because it would be better if there is a filing cabinet. So there… all your papers scattered unorganized just because there’s no filing cabinet. Ugh. But you can still segregate them, put them into a pile at some part of the room.

Seriously, I met people like these. Those are just a few examples. Those are very bad examples on how to live your life. We can’t have everything. WE CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT WE WANT BUT WE CAN WORK FOR IT. If you want that expensive guitar, work for it. You have to earn it. Practice hare. You may never know, maybe someone will discover your talent and even sponsor a better guitar.

There’s something better in stored for us in this life but we can’t have them if we don’t work for it. You are in a specific situation because you need to. And if you don’t like where you are, make use of what you have and build better dreams with it.

Every Anger Must Have An Expiration Date.

I don’t know if you have noticed but anger kills us. It cuts us deep just enough to tear us apart and break us down. Why do we notice more negative things than the positive ones? Is it because positive ones are almost like given everyday and it’s simply normal? Is it because when negative things happens, we are hurt and that hurt can ruin our whole day? But isn’t it our discretion to either feel nor reject those things?

Anger must have an expiration date. Have you ever imagined yourself being angry to someone for so long… forever? Your whole life? You’re better than that. What’s the use of being angry that long? What would it do to you? Will that person suffer that much if you’re angry? Would that suffering of the person give you joy in ways you can’t imagine? Useless.

Anger is a feeling. And what are feelings for? It’s a proof that we are human. Feelings are the stimulus of our actions especially in our relationships.Yes, anger, we need to feel it when we are fucked up by life. And so as happiness and love, all are feelings we need to feel in order to maintain balance. If we can’t experience anger, pain and loneliness, how will we know that happiness is one of the greatest feelings in life? 

I’m not saying that being angry is a mistake but being angry for a long period of time is. We have choices to be made for ourselves. If we decide to be angry at a person for months, will it please you? No. You bring it with you wherever you go. It’s a negative aura and it will always be written in your face and in your actions. It’s a chain reaction to you like if you’re angry, you are pissed — not just with someone but with things that you shouldn’t be pissed with, when you’re pissed, you don’t wanna go out and hang out with friends because you’re too busy hating the world. I am exaggerating but who knows, right?

Give an expiration date on all negative feelings you have. Let go of pain, anger, loneliness, suffering and forgive. Wherever you go, bring peace, love and happiness with you. You might be able to gain it back… doubled if I may add. It won’t hurt to be happy.