When I Asked for Happiness

August 13, 2019, Tuesday. Today was the first time in years that I have prayed for what I really need – I want to be happy. For years, I have been praying for the things my family needed. Material ones are on top of my list because we don’t have that much and I was desperate for us to be ok. From time to time, I pray for our health.

This morning was different from all the mornings I’ve had. I mostly don’t witness mornings because I was probably sleeping the whole time (cause I overworked myself until night time). I woke up at 3am and got out of bed at 6am. I wasn’t sleepy. My body was conditioned to work for the day – that was unexpected. As I was preparing for my classes, my head was also clear. I know I have a lot in my mind when I slept and I know I have a lot to worry about today and the coming days but my head was clear. I was at peace – it was again, unexpected.

So I prayed to God, “Papa God, I want to be happy.” That was it. For the first time in so many years, I think this time that was really what I neede. It was short but it meant the whole world to me – it was unexpected. I was used to praying for a lot of things on my list. I enumare it. I add my reasons too. But this morning was just one sentence and I felt so relieved about it. I felt the pain in my chest released and I feel light. I was at ease.
Never had I imagined that what supposed to be what I wanted was really what I needed. I kept on asking for material things – money & have more clients to pay our bills and to have food on our table. I forgot that my happiness is important too. I was important too. Never had I imagined that in order for me to fulfill my duties and responsibilities at home and provide for my family, I need to be happy first. God wanted the best for me and I was asking for those silly things. All these years, He wanted me to be happy but I kept myself in the dark. I was lost in my own worries. God loved me more than I loved myself. I couldn’t be more thankful for that.

I hope that today, everyone who reads this blog entry will feel as light, at ease and happy as I am.

Miss Independent

“I’ve just been swimming in the same pool for too long. There are new seas out there that I have to go conquer.” – Cat Grant, Supergirl Season 2

Oh, how I wish I have a Cat Grant in my life — to find meaning, purpose and direction in my life. I guess the universe didn’t give me one because the world knows that “I am a strong independent woman.” repeat to self 100x.

But to be honest, most of the independent people are probably looking for someone to depend on just like others depend on them. Well, at least, that applies to me. The problem may be because we have higher standards and may be we’re searching for somebody like us or even better than us. And it’s hard. It’s hard and it feels lonely. 

When you try to give everyone what you can and even if you can’t, you try and try until it breaks you and until you can, you never receive the same amount of effort that you give to them. Sucks. Am I in the wrong place? Am I stuck somewhere where I shouldn’t be?

Because in my head and in my heart, I know that I would be better if I leave the people around me that (I feel) has been dragging me down and pulling me back. I know to myself that things would be easier and I would achieve a lot. But my conscience sticks with them. You know why? Cause how can I do that if it’s my family we’re talking about? If they are the ones pulling you down, how can you leave? If you have all the right reasons to leave and one reason to stay? And that being your family.

It sucks to be strong sometimes.

Philippines, Why Are We Broken?

You know that feeling when you’re at the edge of your relationship — the times when you feel that nothing is working out anymore and all you can see are your indifferences? Yes, the time that you realize that the relationship is no longer working and that you need to break up.

That is exactly how I feel now — except that HOW CAN I BREAK UP WITH A COUNTRY?

Everything’s just frustrating. Have you heard of what’s happening in our country? Ever since the elections and when Duterte became president, I feel like everything is messed up. Regardless of what his ways of running the country are, all that I want to focus on is how the Filipinos use their FREEDOM OF SPEECH on social networking sites.

On every news or blog page, there is always a “war” or some sort. I really don’t know how to explain it but people kept on swearing on other people — yes, those are the comments regardless of what the news is. 

1. News: Duterte won the elections.

People: Yes, finally! Fuck you Yellowtards! (“Yellowtard” is the term they call anyone who is against Duterte — generalizing everyone.)

2. News: Hundreds of people died as they were alleged drug addicts.

Most of the comments: Kill them all!

Some of the comments: Alleged?

Other comments: Fuck off yellowtards! You idiots!

Ok. I may sound anti-Duterte on my post but I am not completely against him. I like how he can be a hope for a lot of Filipinos but I don’t like his morals. He is the president of our country and I wish he could be a good example for us to be united as one.

Even kids (read it from the news) wanted to kill when they grow up. Don’t even get me started with the swearing and bad words. Does it still sound cool? How will their generation be like?

Everytime someone posts or make an opinion about something that contradicts to the president, I feel like they don’t read or listen anymore. That’s just it. It’s final. Duterte is king. Everyone else is a moron.

How do we deal with this?

It’s a sickness and it’s killing our country faster than cancer. It’s really frustrating and hopeless.

Blogging Is A Therapy

There are certain times in our lives that we get so preoccupied (and lost) in our life, problems, responsibilities, jobs and many more that we forget to breathe once in a while.

I think you guys know what I mean. That happened to my 2015. Too many things had happened that I didn’t get enough time for myself to sit back and think about random stuff without any pressure at all. If someone’s going to ask me HOW MY 2015 WAS, I’m just going to answer some experiences and that’s just it. Where was my growth?

Thinking about it, there was a lot. Now, I’m trying to recall and it feels like everything is eating me. Which is which? What did I learn after this and that experience? There were too many that I forgot how it felt like.

Everytime I lose myself with my problems and responsibilities, I take my time and read my previous posts. It’s something to remind me of who I am, what kind of person I am, how I think, and my perspectives in life. I wasn’t able to write for months because I was too preoccupied.

It’s a bit frustrating that I didn’t blog much this year and sorry for that. I wanted to re-read some of my blog posts but there’s nothing much.

Writing and blogging is a therapy for me. It’s an outlet to release feelings, opinions I am not able to tell (or just something I want to share), and reflections in life.

2016 is a few hours away and I’m putting BLOGGING on top of my NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION.

Will be reading blogs again too! I’ve missed everyone! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Makes Me Feel Alive

It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?

This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.

I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.

Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.

The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.

Make Use Of What You Have

I don’t understand why people aren’t always contented. They always want more. They always want what isn’t there. Well, sometimes it isn’t that bad. Wanting something you don’t have leads you to making your goals and building dreams. But some people… ugh. Some people!

Some people can’t function without the thing that they don’t have. Like for example, you have a typical guitar and you’re too lazy to practice because it would be so much better if you could play with a high end expensive guitar. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? How can you improve your skills now? You just sit there and wait for a Martin guitar to fall from thr sky before you can practice? See what I mean?

Another one, if you’re fixing your stuff, organizing papers and you can’t finish just because it would be better if there is a filing cabinet. So there… all your papers scattered unorganized just because there’s no filing cabinet. Ugh. But you can still segregate them, put them into a pile at some part of the room.

Seriously, I met people like these. Those are just a few examples. Those are very bad examples on how to live your life. We can’t have everything. WE CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT WE WANT BUT WE CAN WORK FOR IT. If you want that expensive guitar, work for it. You have to earn it. Practice hare. You may never know, maybe someone will discover your talent and even sponsor a better guitar.

There’s something better in stored for us in this life but we can’t have them if we don’t work for it. You are in a specific situation because you need to. And if you don’t like where you are, make use of what you have and build better dreams with it.

Every Anger Must Have An Expiration Date.

I don’t know if you have noticed but anger kills us. It cuts us deep just enough to tear us apart and break us down. Why do we notice more negative things than the positive ones? Is it because positive ones are almost like given everyday and it’s simply normal? Is it because when negative things happens, we are hurt and that hurt can ruin our whole day? But isn’t it our discretion to either feel nor reject those things?

Anger must have an expiration date. Have you ever imagined yourself being angry to someone for so long… forever? Your whole life? You’re better than that. What’s the use of being angry that long? What would it do to you? Will that person suffer that much if you’re angry? Would that suffering of the person give you joy in ways you can’t imagine? Useless.

Anger is a feeling. And what are feelings for? It’s a proof that we are human. Feelings are the stimulus of our actions especially in our relationships.Yes, anger, we need to feel it when we are fucked up by life. And so as happiness and love, all are feelings we need to feel in order to maintain balance. If we can’t experience anger, pain and loneliness, how will we know that happiness is one of the greatest feelings in life? 

I’m not saying that being angry is a mistake but being angry for a long period of time is. We have choices to be made for ourselves. If we decide to be angry at a person for months, will it please you? No. You bring it with you wherever you go. It’s a negative aura and it will always be written in your face and in your actions. It’s a chain reaction to you like if you’re angry, you are pissed — not just with someone but with things that you shouldn’t be pissed with, when you’re pissed, you don’t wanna go out and hang out with friends because you’re too busy hating the world. I am exaggerating but who knows, right?

Give an expiration date on all negative feelings you have. Let go of pain, anger, loneliness, suffering and forgive. Wherever you go, bring peace, love and happiness with you. You might be able to gain it back… doubled if I may add. It won’t hurt to be happy.

Loving (Original Composition)

Stanza 1:
What would happen if we both care?
We steer the wheel to chances
And break through faith with despair

What would happen if we both love?
We are over faking smiles and
Dodging glances at each other

Chorus:
We are in it for a reason
We can’t get out of it for a reason
Let’s not get our hopes up
Cause we’re never getting out
Of this two-way street of falling
Compelled desperately of loving

Stanza 2:
One way or the other
We’d like an escape
From this emotional suicide
Of humanity and we’re hurt

But one way or the other
We’d like to be stuck to each other
Hands chained with letters
Of admiration and we are fine

Bridge:
Love is traitor holding us back
But love is a creator of what we live for
Love is a chance of forgetting weakness
And we can all be screwed up but only to love

I’m supposed to do work stuff today but instead I got lazy enough to watch a marathon of vampire diaries. Quite distracted and inspired in one scene, paused it for a while and made this poem and turned it into a song. Not done yet, made a melody for the chorus part (on bold).

This is about falling inlove – a trap that we can’t ever handle and we never knew. It is what we want and don’t want at the same time and we don’t actually have a choice. Sometimes we love enough but if we get hurt, we want to turn off the feelings and only think of ourselves.. just so the pain will go away. It’s pushing and pulling of nature.

I got inspired with the series. I was watching season 3 when Elena was almost giving in that she also wanted Damon.

Small Connections That Mattered

I’m so so sooooo stressed and I won’t elaborate much about it. Why? It sucks. Why would anyone keep herself stressed and be more stressed telling stories about stress. See. That word is a pain to the ears. Haha!

Anyway, I’d really want to blog this since yesterday but I am to tired to do so. I was never aware about my routine in the neighborhood, just my whereabouts. Since I was a kid, I never had friends in our neighborhood because we used to move almost every 2 years. It was more of don’t unwanting to put another effort to adapt to another community every other time.

I was so stressed yesterday and my problems and things to do are fighting over my time slots. I was also dead tired and drained more so because of the hotness of the weather.

But here are the following things that made my day lighter and easier somewhow:

1. FREE RENTAL! I was supposed to download a file from my email at our house but our internet is super duper slow… killed most of my time. So I decided that to avoid more time wasting, I need to rent at the computer shop. The shop was full and I just begged the girl to let me rent right away. It was still slow but yeah, 30 minutes is far better than hours wasting. After downloading, placed myself back to my in-a-hurry-cramming state. I prepared my wallet for the rent and asked for the price. She said it’s free already. OMG! REALLY? Yes, I felt like someone proposed. Haha! It was really touching. Because I go to there shop to print our modules and photocopy my pieces all the time. Most of the computer shops would ask at least php10 for 5 minute usage. It was really sweet. Yey! 🙂

2. A CAB DRIVER TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE AND WAVED AT ME GOODBYE. I don’t have a car and basically taxi is my means of transportation. I seldom ride jeepneys and trains because of my condition (sickness; low blood pressure). I am the type who’s always on the go – goes to one to the other in one day. So, cabs are the answer. I talk to cab drivers a lot. I don’t try hard to make a conversation but I love talking to cab drivers. I talk to them with mostly current events, family and work. I love hearing different opinions and being aware of some things on a different perspective. So yesterday, when I was to go off the cab, the driver said take care like he meant it and waved at me like we’re gonna see each other soon. IT’S SWEET. AM I BEING WIERD NOW?

3. GUARD AT A COFFEE SHOP SAID HELLO! There’s this coffee shop near our house thar I pass by everyday. Actually, it’s my favorite coffee shop. I also hang out there but not recently since I’ve been busy. When I was on my way home, walking, the guard said HELLO MA’AM! like as if I am entering the store (but actually not) and it felt like it was a sincere hello from a friend. IT’S CUTE. It made me smile and replied back. I am really touched by this simple hello. I feel safe and noticed in a way that I wasn’t offended.

4. TRICYCLE DRIVER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. I’m telling you that this isn’t freaky at all. Before I rode the tricycle I told where my street is then I noticed it stopped without me telling it where to stop. Haha! I think this is cute too! It just made me feel at home. In a sense that I feel secure that people around know me and how I can be.

They know me because I made small connections that mattered… friendship. Friendship with security guards, cab drivers, sales lady and tricycle drivers… they can actually lighten my stress and distract me from over thinking. It made me realize how small things can change your whole day. Who are we to judge?

I love the feeling of having the slightest connection to a not-so-stranger in your everyday life. It’s like jt re-affirms me that I am not a snob nor a bitch. Haha!