This World Needs Healing

Ok, maybe not that rich or not even rich. Maybe having enough is fine with me. Enough meaning we can pay our bills on time without killing ourselves on work, having our own house, having our own car, having a stable business & career, having emergency funds and savings.

So when I reach that point in my life (and I will), I want to do the following things:

1. TEACH STREET CHILDREN FOR FREE. I’ll coordinate with barangay chairmans & different churches. I’ll get my musician friends to help me teach and we’ll get sponsors. It would be a great opportunity for them to appreciate music and for them to be far away from drugs and other violence on the streets.

2. Buy a lot of rain coats and during rainy season, go around the streets and give it away to people who needs them. We’ve been to a stage where we almost lost our hope but people (especially our friends — yes, more than our family) helped us and I couldn’t express how thankful I am for them. So I promised myself that I will never their help for granted and do the same thing to others. Manila streets are not ready for a rainy season. Even those with houses are not prepared. Beggars don’t have any shelter. They use cardboards so that they won’t get wet. At least with raincoats, they are somehow protected.

3. Go to the HOME FOR THE AGED regularly — tell stories, sing and perform with them, play majong and cards and many more. I love older people but sometimes I feel that some children don’t show their appreciation that much to them. They have a few years to live and I want to give them good memories. It hurts me to see them lonely, unappreciated and unwanted.

These are my TOP 3. I know in time I’ll have a longer list. I hope I can have the chance to do these things especially while I am still young. 

I know papa God will guide me in this life. I won’t make money be my hindrance in doing these things. I will work hard so that my family could have enough. When we have enough, it would be our time to give back.

This world needs healing. Soon everything will set in to place.

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This Is What I Want

I think I never felt so sure in what I wanted until now.

Why should I be chosen to be part of the 5th ELEMENTS MUSIC CAMP 2014?

Well, I don’t know how to answer this exactly. I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m not quite sure which are the reasons and which are just about my problems in life. I can’t really tell the difference. So how can I ever enumerate them? Whatever. Here it goes…

1. If they ask me this question, I might just answer BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO. I NEED TO. Music is basically my life and I can’t imagine having another outlet. Music somehow keeps me sane.

2. The instructors are my inspiration. I look up to them. I am motivated and inspired whenever I watch them play or sing at their gigs. And even just listening to their songs. I appreciate every ounce of it. I am moved by it. Sometimes songs give me chills.. I even cry and I can’t tell how it happens. Lyrics are goot but the music, it strikes me through the heart and stays in me like a drug. I like how it feels and I want to let it out through my own music. It gives me passion to my craft. They inspire me and I would really loved it if I become one of many others’ inspiration too. It’s like changing the world… scratch that! It’s like saving the world .. exagge much? Well at least makes the world somewhat a better and lighter place to live in.

3. I’m not that good. I know I have something and I want to be better. There’s this chaos in my heart fighting with my head and I want to let it out through music. I can’t make everyone appreciate what I write. In fact, I don’t care what they think. I want to express myself. I want to make music and I want to be good enough to give justice to my thoughts. I want to produce music. I am in love with it and I can’t just let it slip away without trying hard enough. I know it’s a bit silly but this is what I want. I believe in myself and I want to make myself better by learning a whole lot more — seeing through others’ perspectives, beliefs and passion.

4. I am a music instructor but who teaches me? I teach mostly kids violin, guitar, ukulele and high school bands. I love what I do and I love how they look up to me as their teacher. But I feel like I am limited. I think I stopped learning when I focused in teaching. I can’t study for now because of lack of funds. My band and I broke up. No gigs. I have limited sources to grow. I want to be better. I want to be better for myself and for my students. I don’t wanna ever stop learning and this right here is an opportunity to learn from the masters and it is for free.

Wow. I never realized I wanted this thing bad. I’ve never been so sure of something for a very long time. Please pray for me to pass the auditions.

I’m Falling In Love On How People Fall In Love… With Music.

It’s so indulging. I am in a sort of magnet that draws me closer to those people. I find it inspiring how they fall in love with something and finds a way to live with it every single day.

I’m a late bloomer. I learned a lot of instruments when I was young but never had I learned of music I wanted to play and listen to. It was always my dad saying PLAY THIS. PLAY THAT. THIS IS GOOD. THAT SONG IS BETTER. I believed him. I don’t blame him. It was my choice.

But then it was when I stopped studying (Conservatory) that I started being exposed to music that I really wanted to listen to. I search for bands, artists to artists, songs after songs and it was endless pattern. I liked it. No, loved it.

I like watching live performances, going to gigs, singing along with the crowd, staring and figuring out bass lines, getting into falling for ad libs and drum beats. Every performance is different from another, may it be frome a single artist or different bands. I like seeing through them that they love what they do and they are happy about it. Those people getting along just for the love of music… no pressure!

I’ve met a few of them and believe me when I say, they are effin awesome and surprisingly humble. Most don’t care about popularity which is only limited to wanting people to connect with their music. Some would go to gigs without talent fee because they just want to play/sing. Some would practice so late at night even after dragging pressure at work just so they could make music. They don’t care who’s who, which band is better, or that guitarist studied at the conservatory — equal.

I falling in love with the idea. And I know for a fact that I am making compositions just so that I can write one but to spread it to the world. In time, I’ll find that place where I get to be on stage again and not just be one with the crowd.

Here’s a video of my band playing one of our original songs (I’m the vocalist; wrote the lyrics and melody).

DARK ROOM (ORIGINAL) BY RIDDLE ME THIS

It’s just a bit sad that finding bandmantes is like finding the love of your lifr. You just have to put a lot of things into consideration… and it’s a commitment.

BUT EVERYTHING, I PROMISE, SOON.

If I Had A Normal Life, Would I Still Be Extraordinary?

I am sitting here alone eating lunch at a japanese restaurant. Beside me is the table of a family. I can’t help but to listen to a few conversations. The daughter is asking for her mom to buy her something – her mom said yes. The son is asking advise from her (ate/older sister) – her sister gives advise. Finally, the dad paid the bill.

I envy them a bit. Actually, I’m sort of jealous to normal-functioning-typical families. I get jealous to my students’ family because parents pay for their lessons and every summer they go out of town and vacation. But most of the time, I get jealous when their parents are telling their kids what to do and discipline them. I think I never had that.

So here I am sitting thinking about my stress earlier before I got here – my mom is complaining because I don’t give her money anymore, my dad is pressuring me with things I am handling already. They always wanted too much from me but I don’t see them putting an effort. There is a whole big story about this but basically part of me says that I raised my parents rather than the other way around. There’s too many problems at home to a point that I don’t mind it that much and just go on with my life keeping a positive attitude about it — most especially patients and understanding.

There. I’m longing for that kind. I wanted to be supported in my studies. I want to ask money when I go out. I’d like them to buy me gadgets for my instruments. I don’t want to buy washing machines, refrigerators, coolers. I don’t want to budget our money for the week and I don’t want to worry on how will I make more money the next month. I don’t want my little sister depending so much on me than on them.

But there’s the challenge there. If I got all I wanted from my parents, will I still be me? Would I still be this hard working? Would I still be so patient and understanding to everyone I meet? Would I still be good in budgeting and handling money? Would I still be more concerned to my family and others or will I be thinking of myself only?

I think not. What we have and don’t have is what makes us. Our experiences build us and our goals strengthen us. We can’t cheat life. We can’t skip the harder struggles because we won’t be anything if everything is already given on a silver platter.

I Don’t Wanna Be Ordinary… Nor Special.

Today, I realized that I don’t wanna be ordinary… nor special. Is it weird for me to think that way? I really don’t know how to explain it. When I was younger (maybe 10 years younger), I wanted to be an icon – an actress, a singer, a musician, a painter or just someone famous. Apart from me being talkative and really out going, I have no problem with people at all… singing, playing, talking, acting on stage is nothing and I love being on stage, no nervous breakdowns or anything similar, I wanted to make a difference – jeez it’s lame and this is overused already. Let me put it this way, I have this thing called perception in life. And my theory is that if only people look at life the way I do, things would be simple, easy and beautiful. But at that time, if I try to say anything about “it” and open words or realizations and reflections, I would be super duper uncool. That is why I wanted to be famous. I wanted to establish a name and/or a reputation so that I wouldn’t be judge. Silly, am I right?

But after all I’ve been through, problems in my family, relationships, friends, school, career, work and everything else in between, I don’t want to dream the same dream. Now, I think that I’d like to work behind curtains and cameras in life. I know most of us wanted the spotlight, it’s a good feeling but I think it’s far too complicated and my life has been a mess and there are a lot of consequences that comes with it. I am longing for simple and care free life. Though we can’t avoid problems along the way, I couldn’t care less at all. I realized that I love living backstage at life. I am a family kind of person whatever I dream of, I dream for them. I never had a dream (the usual one, like I want to be a doctor someday stuff). I was and always be contented just as long as my family is safe, healthy, happy and we can eat three times a day… that’s that. Today, I realized that whatever it is I dreamed of doing, I keep coming back to that simple thing and I am always joyful and contented with that. Other than that, I’d like to make a big money so that I can go volunteer and provide on charities and different foundations… or maybe start one. I like it the way it is.

I don’t want to be cool. I don’t want to fit in. I don’t want to stand out. I don’t wanna be ordinary. I don’t wanna be special. I want to be in somebody’s (a family, a friend, a lover or anyone) life, never leave and make sure I love more than anyone could possibly do.