It’s Easier To Like What We Don’t Have

It’s easier to like what we don’t have.

I don’t like to generalize but I just realized this. A few years ago I was so pre-occupied with work and taking care of my family. I was working day and night to pay bills especially my dad’s medication. I was longing for my time. I keep on pushing myself to work harder because I know in the end, it pays off. There goes my time. My time to reach my dreams.

I don’t know how I did it but I wrote and composed a lot of songs in a span of 3 years. Well, the first year was because my ex broke up with me. But I was busy for the last 2 years. I don’t even know what or who my inspiration was. I just hold on to the thought that i need to make time for myself. No matter how short it was, I need to sing, play and write music. I won’t let anything get in the way. I won’t let our family problems stop me from making music. So I did.

Since my dad passed away, I hate to admit it, but our life was better and lighter. I don’t need to work too much because we have lesser bills to pay. I have a lot of time in the world. I have more than enough. I haven’t written anything since then. Blank. Everything is blank.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the thrill and the excitement? Cause I can’t have it back then, I was motivated to reach my dreams. Come to think of it, everything is falling in to their places. All I need to do is to take a step forward and yet I’m not doing it. No hindrance at all. I wonder why.

Do you think it’s the same with relationships? How come we always here issues regarding third parties? Are people just bored? So they just prefer excitement once in a while? What’s this thing that they say about guys? Like they like girls better when they’re hard to get? Well, I think that goes to the girls also. Who would want an easy to get? Mmm.

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Wanting Two Places At The Same Time (Part 1)

I was just browsing my instagram feed earlier then I cam across my friends’ profile. They’re baristas (oh no, not in starbucks) and they really like making coffee. It is their passion. Saw pictures of them making coffee in different stores & restaurants here in Manila, competing in different contests in asia and now videos of them at brewing a coffee in the US. I’m happy for them and at the same time inspired… also somewhat jealous, I guess?

It is inspiring how people chase their dreams especially when they finally reached it. I just love the idea. I want that too. But somehow dreams, I guess, it’s not the right time for me yet. Everytime I try to push myself to chase that dream, problems come along the way waving a banner telling me STOP. Well at least for just a while.

Seeig their instagram profiles made me dream better. We don’t have the same passion or dream but I am hanging on to mine. I want to be a singer songwriter and a performer someday. Who knows maybe not just here in Manila but maybe I can share my songs to the whole world too. I said to myself NO. I WANT THAT TOO. STOPPING WON’T DO ME ANY GOOD. I’LL CHASE FOR IT EVEN I MAKE BABY STEPS FOR YEARS. AT LEAST I AM NOT STOPPING.

Someday, I’m not going to stay here stuck with my problems at home and at work. Someday, money can’t hold us back. Someday, I will make my own songs, perform around the world and be paid for it. Someday, I will share my talent and finally make a foundation teaching and helping street children music for free. SOMEDAY.

I hope that SOMEDAY will be SOON.

Make Use Of What You Have

I don’t understand why people aren’t always contented. They always want more. They always want what isn’t there. Well, sometimes it isn’t that bad. Wanting something you don’t have leads you to making your goals and building dreams. But some people… ugh. Some people!

Some people can’t function without the thing that they don’t have. Like for example, you have a typical guitar and you’re too lazy to practice because it would be so much better if you could play with a high end expensive guitar. WHAT KIND OF THINKING IS THAT? How can you improve your skills now? You just sit there and wait for a Martin guitar to fall from thr sky before you can practice? See what I mean?

Another one, if you’re fixing your stuff, organizing papers and you can’t finish just because it would be better if there is a filing cabinet. So there… all your papers scattered unorganized just because there’s no filing cabinet. Ugh. But you can still segregate them, put them into a pile at some part of the room.

Seriously, I met people like these. Those are just a few examples. Those are very bad examples on how to live your life. We can’t have everything. WE CAN’T ALWAYS HAVE WHAT WE WANT BUT WE CAN WORK FOR IT. If you want that expensive guitar, work for it. You have to earn it. Practice hare. You may never know, maybe someone will discover your talent and even sponsor a better guitar.

There’s something better in stored for us in this life but we can’t have them if we don’t work for it. You are in a specific situation because you need to. And if you don’t like where you are, make use of what you have and build better dreams with it.

What are you willing to risk?

Last night, I got caught up again with the never ending conflict of me building my dreams versus me doing responsibilities for my family (doing work). In my heart, I know that part of me screws up my work because I don’t want to do that anymore. But I can’t stop. If I do, then where will I get money to pay bills? My dream is still in progress. I don’t know exactly what I wanted to do but most probably it is related to music. Song writing, performing, I guess. Main conflict would be I can’t earn money right away if I just perform my compositions. That takes hell a lot of time just to sell myself out to the music industry.

The question hit me. I have no answer yet. But I was wondering if I ask the you the same thing, what would your answer be?

What are you willing to risk in order for your dreams to come true?

Is it your job? Is it time? Is it your relationships around you? Is it the money? Is it your health that you are willing to sacrifice?

Hello 2015! :)

Oh dear blog, I know you missed me so. I am really sorry for leaving you for months now. But anyway, hey hey hey! I missed you and my readers too! 😉

It’s 2015 and I made a lot of promises that I should keep. Say hello to my New Year’s Resolution:

1. Always make time for myself. I know I’ve been preoccupied with a lot of responsibilities with my family and work but I will not let that happen again. May it be on a coffee getaway for a few hours or a movie marathon, let it be. And this time, I’ll make it a habit that I will make time for myself at least a few hours a week.

2. Always make time for my passion – MUSIC and songwriting. No matter what happens, I will not leave my music behind. I will not be too occupied with teaching to a point that I can’t write songs anymore. My goal for the year is to record at least 3 original songs and release at least 1 of them.

3. BALANCED TIME for family and friends. It’s not that it wasn’t balanced last year. I’ll make it to a point that I get to always have a family time and a time for my different group of friends.

4. BUSINESS. To establish a stable business enough to sustain me and my family.

5. BLOG. I’ve been so busy at the last quarter of 2014 that I can’t even post 3 sentences on my blog. That was so unhealthy for me. Blogging is an outlet for me and it keeps me sane. It helps me reflect on the things I do, my goals, and all the other possible stuff I can think of. I promise to make a blog entry at least once a month.

6. FAITH. To always pray the rosary. Make it a habit to go to mass regularly every sundays. Pray the rosary every night and make time to visit the church on ordinary days.

7. DREAMS. Build bigger dreams and reach for it.

It’s mostly about time. I’ll try my best to achieve my goals. The first few weeks of 2015 taught me that I can dream better. I know it’s good to be contented but what if we can have more that what we think of, why not aim for it right?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 🙂

Will we just leave it behind?

For dreams to come true, will it cover our lifetime for us to reach it? Will it be decades? Will it be there when we wake up in the morning?

I never dreamed about something for myself not until my ex broke up with me 2 years ago. I will always be that girl who dreams for other people’s dreams to come true especially my family. And when I dream about myself back then, I dream to be with her always and forever. Same thing I guess, I dreamt about her dreams to come true. If their happy, I’m happy. I never thought so much about myself.

I talk about dreams a lot now because I’m itchy enough to get them. I think it was repressed for 23 years and it wants to break free from me. But I still can’t or won’t? Because I’m tied up with responsibilities at home. It’s not that they’re obliging me to make a living for them but I want to. I can never want to not help them. I can never dream alone living my family behind me.

Speaking of my ex, I’ve read stuff on facebook and twitter from our common friends. They are releasing their album soon and they will be having a tour in Europe. Wow. Good for her. I’ve always wanted her dreams to come true. I just wish I’d still be with her when it that they came but I am not. She wanted that and I’m happy for her. Even though we’re not talking anymore and even though she blocked me on facebook, I’m happy for her. No biggies. We had something for a while and it’s gone but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Before she broke up with me I had problems with my family. I had the same responsibilities and problems but on a lighter load. And same as it is, I just can’t let my family go. I was having a hard time and crying on her shoulder. She told me to let them go. She told me to think about myself first. She told me to leave them on their own – I didn’t.

What would I do? She had a point. If I leave my family, I can focus more on myself and achieve things for myself. Because they are dragging me. But I can’t. No, I can but I won’t. I know things would be easier if we let go of things that give us a harder time but no.

I think I’d wait for my time no matter how long it is because I can’t leave them behind. It wouldn’t feel any better if I am rich, popular and famous doing music if I’m not with them and they are having a hard time. I can’t live with that. If I want to achieve something, I want to share it. I want to achieve it with somebody by my side. I want to celebrate that achievement with somebody. I’m longing for my dreams to come true but I am not selfish enough to dream on my own. It’s not that I am not thinking of myself but sometimes it feels so much better being selfless.

I am hurting. I am suffering. But my heart is light, happy and at ease. It’s just time and I can be patient.

Attack?

Here it is again. It’s like an attack but it doesn’t hurt me. I don’t know exactly how it feels but it’s pushing me towards it and something tells me that I would love to stay there. There. That place without obligations, only to self – to be happy.

Am I missing something? It’s just that I know that what I’m doing is right. And I know I must do what I do –not what I want most –but obligations to family. Somebody needs to take care of them. I’m not saying this like I don’t have a choice. I love them and I’ll do everything for them. If they need me, I wouldn’t think twice to be there for them.

I’m handling our music school now. I’ve accepted to handle a dozen classes and students for home services in different places… Yes, I kinda think I am superwoman and it would be a miracle to accomodate all of them but I need to. I want to. I don’t no one could ever stop me because all I wanted for my family is to be stable financially and not worry if we can eat next week. It’s just that I’m done relying to my parents because I was frustrated more than I can think of. Long story.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my job but it’s not what I want most. I’m not actually sure about what I want most. I haven’t given time for my dreams yet. I don’t even know what my dreams are yet. It was always for them. I dream for them and I am not used to thinking about me.

I like music. I like playing and singing. I like writing songs. I think I am good at it — not sure yet. Ugh. I’m not sure. It’s always like that and I can’t be sure until I give it time to discover, learn, be better at it and share it to people. I think I know what I want but I’m just not sure yet.

This thought takes my mind off my work. I am supposed to write arrangements and pieces for my students (I had a week to do that!) but I  crammed. You know what I did? I wrote songs and place every effort to finish it. In one week, I made 3 songs. Mmm.

Selfish thought: I wish I can just skip until I get to the part where all I do is make music and perform my heart out to people. But I know I couldn’t and I wouldn’t anyway cause that would be cheating and I don’t want to cheat on life. I wouldn’t feel what I need to feel. I wouldn’t think what I need to think. learn what I need to learn. I wouldn’t realize what I need to realize. I wouldn’t grow like how I am supposed to grow.

Curious of what I sound like? Here: Listen to me on SoundCloud! 🙂