Letting Go & Moving On

My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more  regular heartbreaks.

This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.

I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.

Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.

To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.

Push

Overfatigue. Cancelled all my classes this afternoon. Feels like I’m always reasoning out but things keep on coming. I’m so tired about everything but I don’t want those things to be reasons for me to give up. My battery is low, my brain is in a chaos, my body needs more than 2 hours of sleep and my tummy needs more than 1 regular meal a day. I’m desperate for prayers. If you are reading this post, please take a minute or two to pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thankful for all my friends who’s always there for me. You know who you guys are. Just like you to know how blessed I am to have you around. Thankful for all our students patient enough to bare with a lot of changes in our school. You’re one of the reasons why I keep on pushing. Thank you! I promise not to quit. #st

RISING

I am proud of how I keep on pulling myself back up everytime I fall down.

Oh, you wouldn’t want to trade your position to mine. If you just know the story of my life, you probably wonder how do I get by each day. You’ll probably wonder why the hell I still laugh, joke about a lot of stuff, appreciate small things, finish work & errands, go out and have fun at the same time. There’s just a lot of factors pulling and breaking me down, a lot of reasons to give up and too many things I can leave behind. But that’s not my focus here. I’m not just boosting my self esteem but I am really really proud how I keep on pulling myself back up when I fall down. Some stay down. Some look for inspirations.

Some depend on others and wait for them to pull them up. AREN’T THEY WASTING TIME? Why would you indulge in staying on the ground with your problems? No matter what it is, THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. If you don’t like the situation, CHANGE IT. The decision is always up to you, DO IT. What if we can’t find inspirations? The question is, do we really need to? If we keep on depending our motivation and decision from others, we tend to be frustrated and sad if they don’t do what is expected. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Some stay, some go. INSPIRE YOURSELF. It’s only a matter of how you think and see things. If you get frustrated with people around you, still… be inspired. Be the person they are not. BE BETTER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, KEEP ON GOING.

You wouldn’t believe how strong you will become. You’ll be surprised to where you can possibly be.   It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s true, I’ve witnessed this a couple of times and I am proud of who I am. I feel so gateful for everything that had happened and blessed for everyone I met, who left and stayed.

Hello 2015! :)

Oh dear blog, I know you missed me so. I am really sorry for leaving you for months now. But anyway, hey hey hey! I missed you and my readers too! 😉

It’s 2015 and I made a lot of promises that I should keep. Say hello to my New Year’s Resolution:

1. Always make time for myself. I know I’ve been preoccupied with a lot of responsibilities with my family and work but I will not let that happen again. May it be on a coffee getaway for a few hours or a movie marathon, let it be. And this time, I’ll make it a habit that I will make time for myself at least a few hours a week.

2. Always make time for my passion – MUSIC and songwriting. No matter what happens, I will not leave my music behind. I will not be too occupied with teaching to a point that I can’t write songs anymore. My goal for the year is to record at least 3 original songs and release at least 1 of them.

3. BALANCED TIME for family and friends. It’s not that it wasn’t balanced last year. I’ll make it to a point that I get to always have a family time and a time for my different group of friends.

4. BUSINESS. To establish a stable business enough to sustain me and my family.

5. BLOG. I’ve been so busy at the last quarter of 2014 that I can’t even post 3 sentences on my blog. That was so unhealthy for me. Blogging is an outlet for me and it keeps me sane. It helps me reflect on the things I do, my goals, and all the other possible stuff I can think of. I promise to make a blog entry at least once a month.

6. FAITH. To always pray the rosary. Make it a habit to go to mass regularly every sundays. Pray the rosary every night and make time to visit the church on ordinary days.

7. DREAMS. Build bigger dreams and reach for it.

It’s mostly about time. I’ll try my best to achieve my goals. The first few weeks of 2015 taught me that I can dream better. I know it’s good to be contented but what if we can have more that what we think of, why not aim for it right?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 🙂

Waiting (Original Composition)

How long will I be waiting for you to be in my arms?
It’s so unending waiting for nothing

Stanza 1:
When we meet again,
I guess I’d stare at your face
The on that I can’t erase
There’s a missing page
Of the book
And I can’t complete the story

Refrain:
It’s not in me and I’m figuring it out
Let me ask you a question please

Chorus:
How long will I be waiting for you to be in my arms?
It’s so unending waiting for nothing

Stanza 2:
When we keep on running in circles
Too fancy enough like in a circus
Not laughing at all
Pushing and pulling and different directions
And I don’t know where to go

Repeat Refrain and Chorus

Bridge:
A happy thought inside my head
Smiles silently and whisphers goodnight before I go to sleep
Let me ask you a question please

Repeat Chorus

Written last December 3, 2013.

The Truth About Forgiveness

The truth about forgiveness is that if you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean the following:

1. that they are sorry.
2. that they won’t do it again.
3. that they’ll be better than before.

The thing is that we have to live with that. We can’t control everyone and definitely can’t dictate others what to do cause they have their own lives to live and own decisions to make.

We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. We forgive to make peace with somebody and find peace with ourselves. We forgive so that we could let go and move on. If we hold grudges then we will always be stuck on the same page.

8 Things A Man Can’t Do

I wanted to write for a while now. I wanted to bring back my positive vibes in this blog yet I can’t since I have so much drama in my life recently. I’ve decided, why not some random thought rather than a reflection? Less words can make sense after all. So here is a list of 8 impossible things of which I think a man can’t do:

1. One can never be right all the time.
We make mistakes. We would all be fools if we can’t even see that.

2. One can never know everything.
There are a lot of nerds and geniuses out there who would probably say they know all the facts in their chosen field. But what about the other field? How about skills per se? Also, intelligence isn’t always enough. We need wisdom to back us up. But how do we measure wisdom after all? Would we able to know who is the wisest?

3. One can never always be happy neither does one can never be always sad.
Time. There is a time for everything and feelings are temporary. What we feel today may probably be gone tomorrow.

4. One can never will all the time neither does one can never always lose.
We can’t. Winning isn’t about winning the battle but learning is. Learning is what we gain either if we win or lose. If we keep on winning all the time, then what did we gain… just the title and a little more pride? Life isn’t a contest in the first place and hell no, the world isn’t a battlefield.

4. It is impossible for a person to had never told a single lie in his/her entire life.
Admit it. We lied even the whitest lies they can ever be. Actually, this may be famous to a scenario in which you’re feeling bad, hurt or  depressed and somebody asks if you’re ok and you simply say I’M OK which you know you’re not.

5. One can never always have what he/she wants.
That’s just the way it is. But the main problem is that people always want what they don’t have. Some part of us keep being uncontented on our subconscious minds.

6. One can never find peace without forgiveness.
We can’t let go of something if we keep on holding on to it –just like anger. If we keep being mad at a person or a situation, where is our peace there? We’re always gonna be troubled by that same anger. Forgive and take the poison out of your system may it be anger, hurt, envy and all those eating the good inside you.

7. It is impossible for a person to love without respect.
You just can’t. Love comes with a package and that package has a lot of demands along with it — faith, trust, respect, and so much more than what you can think of right now.

8. One can never win if cheating is his/her process in achieving so.
Cheating is cheating. You can copy someone’s work but in the end, we all know that you may gain all the credit but you gained nothing else. You may possibly know the answer but you don’t know HOW’s and WHY’s behind it.

Take Chances Now

I have a chance to be great and I have the chance now. – Marco Mendoza, Suits 2

I started watching Suits again just to catch up with the latest season. I really don’t know what season I was watching  when I stopped. So what I did is watch it all over again — oh please, I swear I didn’t get bored at all. Gabriel Macht is so awesome and I’d be willing to marry him any time of the day. Lol. I’m stopping my “kilig” moments now.

So then I encountered the line above by a character named Marco Mendoza. I won’t go much further with his story but the line really struck me. He’s right.

We always wait for our chance and be patient that there is a time for our dreams or goals for that matter. But isn’t that everyday is a chance — a chance to be great, to be better than yesterday, to right mistakes, to forgive, to even make a mistake for the first time. It is always a chance to do something about something.

It’s not always up to us, the decisions? Yes, but what do we do when we wait? We sit in a chair and wait for an interesting news to hear? NO. We do our best. We do the best of what we can do and we maximize every bit of it. TOMORROW CAN NOT ALWAYS BE CERTAIN. Why not take a chance today?

Maya’s Turn: I Think I Lost Her

I found this on my old blog. This may be over a year ago but I love going back to blog entries I have written because it helps me know more about myself — how and why I am like this, how I think, how I build my dreams now. It also helps me learn things over and over again just to make sure I really did learn those things. Haha! Here it goes…

I never knew that she walked out on me until recently I find myself looking for her. I keep on finding her every other time because somehow and somewhere in my mind, part of me knew she existed. It wasn’t a dream. There goes flashbacks right in front of me. Scenes so vague and beautiful, so light and cheerful, contented and no longingness for something. I know her and I know she was there, she existed.

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? I think I lost myself more than three years now. This is not the typical story of being lost – finding yourself, what you really want, etc. Not that one. I’m considering that maybe I didn’t lose myself. Probably, forgotten was the better word for that. Yes, forgotten.

I forgot who I am. I forgot what it is like to be me. I saw my plurk account yesterday. It was so random. I have nothing to do. So I searched for my older accounts. I saw my old blogs, my friendster, my myspace, my multiply. I was totally different, I think? From my old blogs, the way I think and see things – it was almost the same now but somehow I am sure I am wiser. Maybe it was with HOW I deal with stuff. How I am a happy-go-lucky-thankful-blessed-fun girl who talks to anyone and friends with everyone. Everything was real and true. Everything was light.  Myself, my environment, the people around me, the responsibilities and work I am taking. Somehow, I missed that girl in me. I don’t know where did she go. I think I lost her.

Maybe because I lost myself in giving everything to the ones important to me, to the one I love, to her specifically. That when you love, you have given everything you can give and everything that you can’t. It is when I realized that I had lived her life in her world and not mine. It is when I made friends with her friends and not find my own sets of friends. It was when I pressured myself to dream her dream and not mine. I tried to fit myself when I shouldn’t even tried in the first place. It was then I forgot who I was. And that was too much. I didn’t even realize it until the day I was left alone.

I miss her – that girl who used to be me. I don’t know where to start but I want her back so badly. I don’t know how to pick myself up. And I want to go to the ways things were before everything had happened or at least to who I was before everything fell apart.

 

Love Is Easy

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort. –

-MFG

I recently opened an app on facebook. It’s called Message From God. Yes, people make these and somewhat share thoughts and advise to people. Maybe you can say that it is quite similar to WHAT WOULD JESUS DO. Or for non Christians more like a message from a fortune cookie or a horoscope I guess.

So there, the message above is the one I got. It made me reflect and agree to it. LOVE IS EASY.

We make it complicated. We make it hard to understand. We make it unreachable. We make it as if it is a big goal to achieve. But love is here and in everything.

You can get it with a smile, a touch, a tap on the back, a hug or a kiss. Love is a Hi or Hello from a friend or a stranger. Love is a sorry from your enemies. Love is respect for the elders. Love is a passion for your art.

Love is simple and it is not painful if and only if we love selflessly.

The only hindrance of love is to think too much of ourselves — to love and to ask for something in return, to love but to set limits, to love but don’t share happiness.