That Hurtful Place

I don’t know why it feels like it’s still haunting me but I don’t think I can ever go back to that place again. It gives me that feeling that I can’t even describe and that I am just sure that I don’t want it at all. But it’s weird that I have this longingness to go back.

I miss how I was when I was there. I miss the experience studying there. I miss the restless days and nights of practicing a dozen etudes and piece. I miss how it feels like when people around you overcriticize everything you play so intellectually and passionately. I miss how it feels to go on concerts on recital halls and auditoriums too boring enough for ordinary people. Mostly, I miss to have those kind of friends having the same passion and I miss that kind of someone who would always be there on a right timing.

But I can’t beause IT HURTS and it still does. Calling it (memories) a lie would be stupid enough for me to say just because I am hurt so won’t say it. But I am hurt. I can’t risk it. I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like there’s really a damage in me. A big part of me was broken in that place and I am just starting to fix myself again.

But I like those memories. I loved it and I miss it. But that’s what hurts most – the happiest and most precious time of my life. And I am starting to miss her again. I hate that I miss her (ex) again. I hate that I miss them (ex-friends and ex-bestfriends) again. I hate that I hate it.

To tell you frankly, I can’t even recall the details of what happened. I think my brain automatically deleted those parts because it’s just too painful for me too handle. I just know that I’m hurt and I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

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Loving (Original Composition)

Stanza 1:
What would happen if we both care?
We steer the wheel to chances
And break through faith with despair

What would happen if we both love?
We are over faking smiles and
Dodging glances at each other

Chorus:
We are in it for a reason
We can’t get out of it for a reason
Let’s not get our hopes up
Cause we’re never getting out
Of this two-way street of falling
Compelled desperately of loving

Stanza 2:
One way or the other
We’d like an escape
From this emotional suicide
Of humanity and we’re hurt

But one way or the other
We’d like to be stuck to each other
Hands chained with letters
Of admiration and we are fine

Bridge:
Love is traitor holding us back
But love is a creator of what we live for
Love is a chance of forgetting weakness
And we can all be screwed up but only to love

I’m supposed to do work stuff today but instead I got lazy enough to watch a marathon of vampire diaries. Quite distracted and inspired in one scene, paused it for a while and made this poem and turned it into a song. Not done yet, made a melody for the chorus part (on bold).

This is about falling inlove – a trap that we can’t ever handle and we never knew. It is what we want and don’t want at the same time and we don’t actually have a choice. Sometimes we love enough but if we get hurt, we want to turn off the feelings and only think of ourselves.. just so the pain will go away. It’s pushing and pulling of nature.

I got inspired with the series. I was watching season 3 when Elena was almost giving in that she also wanted Damon.

Small Connections That Mattered

I’m so so sooooo stressed and I won’t elaborate much about it. Why? It sucks. Why would anyone keep herself stressed and be more stressed telling stories about stress. See. That word is a pain to the ears. Haha!

Anyway, I’d really want to blog this since yesterday but I am to tired to do so. I was never aware about my routine in the neighborhood, just my whereabouts. Since I was a kid, I never had friends in our neighborhood because we used to move almost every 2 years. It was more of don’t unwanting to put another effort to adapt to another community every other time.

I was so stressed yesterday and my problems and things to do are fighting over my time slots. I was also dead tired and drained more so because of the hotness of the weather.

But here are the following things that made my day lighter and easier somewhow:

1. FREE RENTAL! I was supposed to download a file from my email at our house but our internet is super duper slow… killed most of my time. So I decided that to avoid more time wasting, I need to rent at the computer shop. The shop was full and I just begged the girl to let me rent right away. It was still slow but yeah, 30 minutes is far better than hours wasting. After downloading, placed myself back to my in-a-hurry-cramming state. I prepared my wallet for the rent and asked for the price. She said it’s free already. OMG! REALLY? Yes, I felt like someone proposed. Haha! It was really touching. Because I go to there shop to print our modules and photocopy my pieces all the time. Most of the computer shops would ask at least php10 for 5 minute usage. It was really sweet. Yey! 🙂

2. A CAB DRIVER TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE AND WAVED AT ME GOODBYE. I don’t have a car and basically taxi is my means of transportation. I seldom ride jeepneys and trains because of my condition (sickness; low blood pressure). I am the type who’s always on the go – goes to one to the other in one day. So, cabs are the answer. I talk to cab drivers a lot. I don’t try hard to make a conversation but I love talking to cab drivers. I talk to them with mostly current events, family and work. I love hearing different opinions and being aware of some things on a different perspective. So yesterday, when I was to go off the cab, the driver said take care like he meant it and waved at me like we’re gonna see each other soon. IT’S SWEET. AM I BEING WIERD NOW?

3. GUARD AT A COFFEE SHOP SAID HELLO! There’s this coffee shop near our house thar I pass by everyday. Actually, it’s my favorite coffee shop. I also hang out there but not recently since I’ve been busy. When I was on my way home, walking, the guard said HELLO MA’AM! like as if I am entering the store (but actually not) and it felt like it was a sincere hello from a friend. IT’S CUTE. It made me smile and replied back. I am really touched by this simple hello. I feel safe and noticed in a way that I wasn’t offended.

4. TRICYCLE DRIVER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. I’m telling you that this isn’t freaky at all. Before I rode the tricycle I told where my street is then I noticed it stopped without me telling it where to stop. Haha! I think this is cute too! It just made me feel at home. In a sense that I feel secure that people around know me and how I can be.

They know me because I made small connections that mattered… friendship. Friendship with security guards, cab drivers, sales lady and tricycle drivers… they can actually lighten my stress and distract me from over thinking. It made me realize how small things can change your whole day. Who are we to judge?

I love the feeling of having the slightest connection to a not-so-stranger in your everyday life. It’s like jt re-affirms me that I am not a snob nor a bitch. Haha!

I Pick Money Over Family

No. It’s not like that.

Lately, we’ve been dealing with financial problems. We’ve been working 5 times as hard as we normally do. We’re not poor yet (oh no, please no!). We can still buy the things we need and eat 3 main meals a day with desserts and midnight snacks. It’s just that we need to control it. We might have something to spend this month but we’re not assured for the following months. That’s what stresses me a lot… but I think it’s a better problem. MONEY. Tsss.

It’s better. I’d rather choose a money problem than a family or relationship problem. Money is just money. It can be paid off through hard work. It’s like 1 plus 1. But relationships – lots and lots of complications on different angles. It’s like solving trigonometry combined with chemistry and a physics solution. It’s a long process and you can’t control everything.

I’m telling this because I am happy. Happy because my family and I are ok. We are far better than before. No conflicts with my dad, my mom, my sister and lola. There are few little things but we don’t make a big deal out of it. We work together in solving this money problem and we exchange thoughts – oooh, I never imagined how can we be so sensitive with each other’s needs but it feels so damn good.

I know I have been longing for this for a long time. It was always me doing everything and I am the one left behind by friends, ex, loved ones. Now this, coming from my Family? It’s the best feeling ever. That feeling that you are noticed. It’s like they recognize you in every hard work you did. I feel loved. Or maybe it really just takes time huh?

Money. I’m so stressed out with that word right now but I’m good with it just as long as my family stays happy and healthy.

Thank you Papa G! 🙂

And I Love Her (Original Composition)

Hinawakan mo lang yung kamay ko, nagawan na kita ng kanta! Kinulam mo ba ako? Bakit patay na patay ako sayo? Translation: You held my hand once and that made me make a song for you! Did you put me under your spell? Why am I so into you?

AND I LOVE HER

Stanza 1:
She keeps me awake at night
Just when I needed to take a break
She doesn’t want me leaving
But I like the way I know that she will miss me so

She doesn’t stop making noises
Just when I need to work on my computer
She doesn’t want me giving away attention to something else
But I like that way of she wants me more than I can ever know

Chorus:
She is the dream that I have been waiting since a long time ago
She is the pain that I am not willing to let go
She is the noise in my beating and the silence in my yearning
She is the robber who stole my worries far far away and never gave it back

And I love her…

Stanza 2:
She keeps my head on straight
Just when I got my alcohol attack
She doesn’t want me drinking
But I like the way I know that if I did, I’d still be ok

She doesn’t stop making excuses
Just when I avoid taking my pills
She doesn’t want me weak
But I like the way I know I can be strong even if everything goes wrong

Bridge:
There she is looking at the bright blue sky
In her faded jeans, chucks and her vintage top/shirt
There she is looking at me like I am beyond ordinary
In her faded jeans, chucks and her vintage top

Held my hand… and I can never understand what it means but  I know exactly how it feels…

And I love her…

Click this link to listen to the audio: And I Love Her (Original Composition)

I’m back to my 50 % straight self. Yes, gay that is.

Just so everyone knows, I’d like to announce that I am bisexual. I like boys and at the same time I like girls too. The things is… I don’t like it. I want to be straight – it’s a looooong story.

So it has been almost 2 years since my last relationship (a girl) and ever since then, love life isn’t my priority. For that time, I felt that I am 90% already. Ha! Ha! I had real guy crushes but had unavoidable girl crush last year. I got over it – yes, the girl part. It was just a phase and I am back to really liking guys as in like “like”.

Last saturday, I went home 70-80% straight. Is it weird that I measure my straightness? Lol! So what, who cares? Hahaha! What happened? – that’s the question. 

Incident #1: I was kissed by a friend (girl). Well, not lips to lips… just on the cheek. I felt weird about it because it was just out of the blue. We were not saying hello or goodbye. We were having a light and fun conversation. I was joking around because I waited for her for 3 hours.  She was saying sorry and suddenly kissed me. I acted like nothing happenee and continued fooling around.

Incident #2: While we were waiting for the train, still having that light conversation and fun fooling around, she tried to hold my hand – as in the one with interlocking fingers. It didn’t last long cause I was really distracted. I think I looked at our hands and she felt conscious or shy about it?

I don’t know. Right now, I am really confused because I was having this super duper tiny crush on her and I like that we were getting close. I got really confused on what she did because I know she is straight… though I sensed it the first time we met (I don’t have a crush on her at then) that she has tedencies and my gay and lesbian friends said that themselves too.

I was aking myself the questions like Are there girls that are just too clingy, touchy, and expressive to that extent? Do some girls really kiss other girls on the cheek for no reason or as a regular expression and without intention?  And if she knows that I am bisexual, shy whould she do that? Does she know that maybe I would think of it differently?

Seriously guys, if you have answers to my questions, please feel free to do so cause I can’t stop thinking about her since that day. I don’t want to expect anything and seriously, I am really avoiding myself to like girls. So there, I am almost going back to my 50 % straight self.