Push

Overfatigue. Cancelled all my classes this afternoon. Feels like I’m always reasoning out but things keep on coming. I’m so tired about everything but I don’t want those things to be reasons for me to give up. My battery is low, my brain is in a chaos, my body needs more than 2 hours of sleep and my tummy needs more than 1 regular meal a day. I’m desperate for prayers. If you are reading this post, please take a minute or two to pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thankful for all my friends who’s always there for me. You know who you guys are. Just like you to know how blessed I am to have you around. Thankful for all our students patient enough to bare with a lot of changes in our school. You’re one of the reasons why I keep on pushing. Thank you! I promise not to quit. #st

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RISING

I am proud of how I keep on pulling myself back up everytime I fall down.

Oh, you wouldn’t want to trade your position to mine. If you just know the story of my life, you probably wonder how do I get by each day. You’ll probably wonder why the hell I still laugh, joke about a lot of stuff, appreciate small things, finish work & errands, go out and have fun at the same time. There’s just a lot of factors pulling and breaking me down, a lot of reasons to give up and too many things I can leave behind. But that’s not my focus here. I’m not just boosting my self esteem but I am really really proud how I keep on pulling myself back up when I fall down. Some stay down. Some look for inspirations.

Some depend on others and wait for them to pull them up. AREN’T THEY WASTING TIME? Why would you indulge in staying on the ground with your problems? No matter what it is, THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. If you don’t like the situation, CHANGE IT. The decision is always up to you, DO IT. What if we can’t find inspirations? The question is, do we really need to? If we keep on depending our motivation and decision from others, we tend to be frustrated and sad if they don’t do what is expected. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Some stay, some go. INSPIRE YOURSELF. It’s only a matter of how you think and see things. If you get frustrated with people around you, still… be inspired. Be the person they are not. BE BETTER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, KEEP ON GOING.

You wouldn’t believe how strong you will become. You’ll be surprised to where you can possibly be.   It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s true, I’ve witnessed this a couple of times and I am proud of who I am. I feel so gateful for everything that had happened and blessed for everyone I met, who left and stayed.

Whatever it is, it brought me here.

PEOPLE COME AND GO. SOME STAY SOME DON’T. Maybe this is where I wanted to focus more. I am actually thankful that people who passed by my life didn’t stay. I figured out who my real friends are, who sticks with me, who loves me most and who, whatever happens, will fight for me.

There are a lot of somebody-that-I-used-to-know’s in my life but I don’t care. There are a lot of friends that are not my friends anymore but so what? There are a few ex-bestfriends and and and an ex lover but then again, so what? I have a gazillion (of course, I’m exaggerating) awesome people around me now and I’m thankful for them. What I have now are deeper and mature relationships… also lighter in a way. I gained a lot too. I gained a lot of friends in different fields of work.

I just love the way everything happens for a reason. Yes, cliche but it’s true right? If my ex-friends stayed, would I be able to meet the new ones? If I’m still with my partner right now, would I have the time to be open for new relationships and entertain new people in my life? If we didn’t broke up, I’m not sure if I can write songs. If I stayed at the conservatory will I be able to give time writing songs? I’m not exactly happy that it didn’t work out but I think I’m just looking at the brighter side.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. Good and bad, joyful and painful… whatever it is, it brought me here. And I am happy.

Hello 2015! :)

Oh dear blog, I know you missed me so. I am really sorry for leaving you for months now. But anyway, hey hey hey! I missed you and my readers too! 😉

It’s 2015 and I made a lot of promises that I should keep. Say hello to my New Year’s Resolution:

1. Always make time for myself. I know I’ve been preoccupied with a lot of responsibilities with my family and work but I will not let that happen again. May it be on a coffee getaway for a few hours or a movie marathon, let it be. And this time, I’ll make it a habit that I will make time for myself at least a few hours a week.

2. Always make time for my passion – MUSIC and songwriting. No matter what happens, I will not leave my music behind. I will not be too occupied with teaching to a point that I can’t write songs anymore. My goal for the year is to record at least 3 original songs and release at least 1 of them.

3. BALANCED TIME for family and friends. It’s not that it wasn’t balanced last year. I’ll make it to a point that I get to always have a family time and a time for my different group of friends.

4. BUSINESS. To establish a stable business enough to sustain me and my family.

5. BLOG. I’ve been so busy at the last quarter of 2014 that I can’t even post 3 sentences on my blog. That was so unhealthy for me. Blogging is an outlet for me and it keeps me sane. It helps me reflect on the things I do, my goals, and all the other possible stuff I can think of. I promise to make a blog entry at least once a month.

6. FAITH. To always pray the rosary. Make it a habit to go to mass regularly every sundays. Pray the rosary every night and make time to visit the church on ordinary days.

7. DREAMS. Build bigger dreams and reach for it.

It’s mostly about time. I’ll try my best to achieve my goals. The first few weeks of 2015 taught me that I can dream better. I know it’s good to be contented but what if we can have more that what we think of, why not aim for it right?

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! 🙂

That Hurtful Place

I don’t know why it feels like it’s still haunting me but I don’t think I can ever go back to that place again. It gives me that feeling that I can’t even describe and that I am just sure that I don’t want it at all. But it’s weird that I have this longingness to go back.

I miss how I was when I was there. I miss the experience studying there. I miss the restless days and nights of practicing a dozen etudes and piece. I miss how it feels like when people around you overcriticize everything you play so intellectually and passionately. I miss how it feels to go on concerts on recital halls and auditoriums too boring enough for ordinary people. Mostly, I miss to have those kind of friends having the same passion and I miss that kind of someone who would always be there on a right timing.

But I can’t beause IT HURTS and it still does. Calling it (memories) a lie would be stupid enough for me to say just because I am hurt so won’t say it. But I am hurt. I can’t risk it. I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like there’s really a damage in me. A big part of me was broken in that place and I am just starting to fix myself again.

But I like those memories. I loved it and I miss it. But that’s what hurts most – the happiest and most precious time of my life. And I am starting to miss her again. I hate that I miss her (ex) again. I hate that I miss them (ex-friends and ex-bestfriends) again. I hate that I hate it.

To tell you frankly, I can’t even recall the details of what happened. I think my brain automatically deleted those parts because it’s just too painful for me too handle. I just know that I’m hurt and I don’t want to get hurt anymore.

Open Wound

I like being moved. I think I don’t have a reason for it but I like it. I like being moved by stories, scenes from movies and/or series, music, and people.

It’s funny because this started about 2 years ago when I think a lost a big part of me over and over. I felt my worst and there is a big hole in my chest too hard to cover up. I felt pain deeply and I was an open wound since then. I don’t cry watching movies but I started to. Every scene I watch, I felt what it felt like for the characters. It’s not on if-you’re-on-their-shoes kinda thing. It was effortless for me and I don’t need to imagine the past for me to feel the pain they felt. Like songs, not the usual of relating to the lyrics but the sometimes I feel the giggles and sometimes the sadness of the music. I was easily moved like my open wound slightly touched by air. It hurts even for a bit. Still, it hurts.

I’m not emo or anything. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’m pretty sure I didn’t take the the short cuts. But I’ve learned to live with pain because we don’t really have a choice somehow. We will encounter it dozens of times in our lives. We don’t need to skip the parts where it hurts. Because if we do, we are denying nature and its process. We won’t stop hurting if we can’t start learning. And we can’t do it on our own.

Feelings are a b*tch. We can’t be selfish enough to open our wounds to somebody else’. If we do, what is there to live for? I’ve learned pain and still doesn’t let me go. It gets lighter each day but it’s still there. I don’t know when will it stop but I know it will.

All of us hurt. Some hurt worse.

I was deeply moved by an episode on Vampire Diaries’ Season 4. A part where they are in the process of lettinh go of the past.

Damon: So what? For how long? A minute? A day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock. With a birthday carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong.

I was moved by the scene. He’s drunk and at the cemetery talking to his dead bestfriend. The pain that consumes him keeping too realistic enough not to grief. It’s hard and I know some had been in the process. I did cry.

I wasn’t a fan of the series and now I am one. Not fond of the hot guys there but the cinematography and most especially the story line. It made me reflect on pain.

Talking To Strangers

I am that person who talks to random strangers I meet in my every day — sales ladies, another customer of the store I am in and cab drivers most especially. I don’t do small talks. I don’t believe in such. I talk to them because I wanted to talk to them and not just because I need to. If I ask them about how their day was, I am interested to know about it — not fake it.

I talk to strangers especially cab drivers. I spend at least a quarter of my day with them and at least an eighth of their day with me. Might as well, waste it right? I just love the fact that I have someone to talk to. I go to different places a day, back and fort, and I can’t keep thinking about work during my travel time. I guess it’s the same thing to them. Probably, a bit more boring than mine because they spend their time on the road more like (well, really) a responsibility and not for leisure.

Talking. It’s a release of whatever emotions or just anything you have inside you. Like for me, if I keep thinking of my to-do list during my me-time, I would blow up like a nuclear bomb. So, I talk to people. Random ones.

Friends can’t always be there physically for you. We all have our own whereabouts and we can’t commit to everything at the same time.

Having a conversation to a lot of strangers are really healthy. Well at least, for me. Talking to them is like having an unlimited access to a wide range of experiences, opinions and advice. You ought to learn different perspectives on life, family, friends, love, work, school, music and a whole lot more.

It’s not just really about the talking but also the listening part. Isn’t nice to know that someone listens to small things that happened to you during your day? The greatest part is, this conversation happens in both ways — in full attention or not, you gained a new thought, noticed a different point of view and learned a new dimension in some itsy bitsy parts of life.

Small Connections That Mattered

I’m so so sooooo stressed and I won’t elaborate much about it. Why? It sucks. Why would anyone keep herself stressed and be more stressed telling stories about stress. See. That word is a pain to the ears. Haha!

Anyway, I’d really want to blog this since yesterday but I am to tired to do so. I was never aware about my routine in the neighborhood, just my whereabouts. Since I was a kid, I never had friends in our neighborhood because we used to move almost every 2 years. It was more of don’t unwanting to put another effort to adapt to another community every other time.

I was so stressed yesterday and my problems and things to do are fighting over my time slots. I was also dead tired and drained more so because of the hotness of the weather.

But here are the following things that made my day lighter and easier somewhow:

1. FREE RENTAL! I was supposed to download a file from my email at our house but our internet is super duper slow… killed most of my time. So I decided that to avoid more time wasting, I need to rent at the computer shop. The shop was full and I just begged the girl to let me rent right away. It was still slow but yeah, 30 minutes is far better than hours wasting. After downloading, placed myself back to my in-a-hurry-cramming state. I prepared my wallet for the rent and asked for the price. She said it’s free already. OMG! REALLY? Yes, I felt like someone proposed. Haha! It was really touching. Because I go to there shop to print our modules and photocopy my pieces all the time. Most of the computer shops would ask at least php10 for 5 minute usage. It was really sweet. Yey! 🙂

2. A CAB DRIVER TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE AND WAVED AT ME GOODBYE. I don’t have a car and basically taxi is my means of transportation. I seldom ride jeepneys and trains because of my condition (sickness; low blood pressure). I am the type who’s always on the go – goes to one to the other in one day. So, cabs are the answer. I talk to cab drivers a lot. I don’t try hard to make a conversation but I love talking to cab drivers. I talk to them with mostly current events, family and work. I love hearing different opinions and being aware of some things on a different perspective. So yesterday, when I was to go off the cab, the driver said take care like he meant it and waved at me like we’re gonna see each other soon. IT’S SWEET. AM I BEING WIERD NOW?

3. GUARD AT A COFFEE SHOP SAID HELLO! There’s this coffee shop near our house thar I pass by everyday. Actually, it’s my favorite coffee shop. I also hang out there but not recently since I’ve been busy. When I was on my way home, walking, the guard said HELLO MA’AM! like as if I am entering the store (but actually not) and it felt like it was a sincere hello from a friend. IT’S CUTE. It made me smile and replied back. I am really touched by this simple hello. I feel safe and noticed in a way that I wasn’t offended.

4. TRICYCLE DRIVER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. I’m telling you that this isn’t freaky at all. Before I rode the tricycle I told where my street is then I noticed it stopped without me telling it where to stop. Haha! I think this is cute too! It just made me feel at home. In a sense that I feel secure that people around know me and how I can be.

They know me because I made small connections that mattered… friendship. Friendship with security guards, cab drivers, sales lady and tricycle drivers… they can actually lighten my stress and distract me from over thinking. It made me realize how small things can change your whole day. Who are we to judge?

I love the feeling of having the slightest connection to a not-so-stranger in your everyday life. It’s like jt re-affirms me that I am not a snob nor a bitch. Haha!

I Pick Money Over Family

No. It’s not like that.

Lately, we’ve been dealing with financial problems. We’ve been working 5 times as hard as we normally do. We’re not poor yet (oh no, please no!). We can still buy the things we need and eat 3 main meals a day with desserts and midnight snacks. It’s just that we need to control it. We might have something to spend this month but we’re not assured for the following months. That’s what stresses me a lot… but I think it’s a better problem. MONEY. Tsss.

It’s better. I’d rather choose a money problem than a family or relationship problem. Money is just money. It can be paid off through hard work. It’s like 1 plus 1. But relationships – lots and lots of complications on different angles. It’s like solving trigonometry combined with chemistry and a physics solution. It’s a long process and you can’t control everything.

I’m telling this because I am happy. Happy because my family and I are ok. We are far better than before. No conflicts with my dad, my mom, my sister and lola. There are few little things but we don’t make a big deal out of it. We work together in solving this money problem and we exchange thoughts – oooh, I never imagined how can we be so sensitive with each other’s needs but it feels so damn good.

I know I have been longing for this for a long time. It was always me doing everything and I am the one left behind by friends, ex, loved ones. Now this, coming from my Family? It’s the best feeling ever. That feeling that you are noticed. It’s like they recognize you in every hard work you did. I feel loved. Or maybe it really just takes time huh?

Money. I’m so stressed out with that word right now but I’m good with it just as long as my family stays happy and healthy.

Thank you Papa G! 🙂

Are You Foolish?

Let’s see how this works… How do you know if someone is a fool? At what point would you consider yourself foolish? Are their really foolish things to do? Or is it just foolish because somebody told you it is?

LOVE. It’s that 4-letter word again. La-la-la-love. Are we really fools out of love? Or we just can’t accept its magic on us? If you love someone who doesn’t and will not ever love you back, is that foolish or is it selfless love? If you stopped and ruined a wedding ceremony because you know he can’t be with her, is it foolishness or is it courage that seeks you within?

What if we just hate to admit how deep we can go and instead blame it to foolishness in this world? What are we afraid of? Why is it that it feels like that foolishness is more acceptable than being screwed up in love? Why is it even labeled as being screwed if we give in to it?