Burning Bridges; Putting Down Walls

It’s hard when you have invested a lot of time and emotion to people but in the end, still lost. We tend to put up higher and stronger walls around us so nobody can hurt us anymore. We have burnt bridges to avoid that feeling.

I have burnt a lot of bridges and it gets easier as time goes by. I don’t even know if it’s a good thing or not. Part of me is afraid that I may have guarded my heart so much that I don’t allow myself to feel anymore.

I just wish that when the time comes and we are all tired and afraid to get hurt, we’ll meet new ones who will invest all their efforts just to break those walls — just like what we did for the people who have left us — may be even better.

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What are you willing to risk?

Last night, I got caught up again with the never ending conflict of me building my dreams versus me doing responsibilities for my family (doing work). In my heart, I know that part of me screws up my work because I don’t want to do that anymore. But I can’t stop. If I do, then where will I get money to pay bills? My dream is still in progress. I don’t know exactly what I wanted to do but most probably it is related to music. Song writing, performing, I guess. Main conflict would be I can’t earn money right away if I just perform my compositions. That takes hell a lot of time just to sell myself out to the music industry.

The question hit me. I have no answer yet. But I was wondering if I ask the you the same thing, what would your answer be?

What are you willing to risk in order for your dreams to come true?

Is it your job? Is it time? Is it your relationships around you? Is it the money? Is it your health that you are willing to sacrifice?

Maya’s Turn: I Think I Lost Her

I found this on my old blog. This may be over a year ago but I love going back to blog entries I have written because it helps me know more about myself — how and why I am like this, how I think, how I build my dreams now. It also helps me learn things over and over again just to make sure I really did learn those things. Haha! Here it goes…

I never knew that she walked out on me until recently I find myself looking for her. I keep on finding her every other time because somehow and somewhere in my mind, part of me knew she existed. It wasn’t a dream. There goes flashbacks right in front of me. Scenes so vague and beautiful, so light and cheerful, contented and no longingness for something. I know her and I know she was there, she existed.

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? I think I lost myself more than three years now. This is not the typical story of being lost – finding yourself, what you really want, etc. Not that one. I’m considering that maybe I didn’t lose myself. Probably, forgotten was the better word for that. Yes, forgotten.

I forgot who I am. I forgot what it is like to be me. I saw my plurk account yesterday. It was so random. I have nothing to do. So I searched for my older accounts. I saw my old blogs, my friendster, my myspace, my multiply. I was totally different, I think? From my old blogs, the way I think and see things – it was almost the same now but somehow I am sure I am wiser. Maybe it was with HOW I deal with stuff. How I am a happy-go-lucky-thankful-blessed-fun girl who talks to anyone and friends with everyone. Everything was real and true. Everything was light.  Myself, my environment, the people around me, the responsibilities and work I am taking. Somehow, I missed that girl in me. I don’t know where did she go. I think I lost her.

Maybe because I lost myself in giving everything to the ones important to me, to the one I love, to her specifically. That when you love, you have given everything you can give and everything that you can’t. It is when I realized that I had lived her life in her world and not mine. It is when I made friends with her friends and not find my own sets of friends. It was when I pressured myself to dream her dream and not mine. I tried to fit myself when I shouldn’t even tried in the first place. It was then I forgot who I was. And that was too much. I didn’t even realize it until the day I was left alone.

I miss her – that girl who used to be me. I don’t know where to start but I want her back so badly. I don’t know how to pick myself up. And I want to go to the ways things were before everything had happened or at least to who I was before everything fell apart.

 

Talking To Strangers

I am that person who talks to random strangers I meet in my every day — sales ladies, another customer of the store I am in and cab drivers most especially. I don’t do small talks. I don’t believe in such. I talk to them because I wanted to talk to them and not just because I need to. If I ask them about how their day was, I am interested to know about it — not fake it.

I talk to strangers especially cab drivers. I spend at least a quarter of my day with them and at least an eighth of their day with me. Might as well, waste it right? I just love the fact that I have someone to talk to. I go to different places a day, back and fort, and I can’t keep thinking about work during my travel time. I guess it’s the same thing to them. Probably, a bit more boring than mine because they spend their time on the road more like (well, really) a responsibility and not for leisure.

Talking. It’s a release of whatever emotions or just anything you have inside you. Like for me, if I keep thinking of my to-do list during my me-time, I would blow up like a nuclear bomb. So, I talk to people. Random ones.

Friends can’t always be there physically for you. We all have our own whereabouts and we can’t commit to everything at the same time.

Having a conversation to a lot of strangers are really healthy. Well at least, for me. Talking to them is like having an unlimited access to a wide range of experiences, opinions and advice. You ought to learn different perspectives on life, family, friends, love, work, school, music and a whole lot more.

It’s not just really about the talking but also the listening part. Isn’t nice to know that someone listens to small things that happened to you during your day? The greatest part is, this conversation happens in both ways — in full attention or not, you gained a new thought, noticed a different point of view and learned a new dimension in some itsy bitsy parts of life.

Loving (Original Composition)

Stanza 1:
What would happen if we both care?
We steer the wheel to chances
And break through faith with despair

What would happen if we both love?
We are over faking smiles and
Dodging glances at each other

Chorus:
We are in it for a reason
We can’t get out of it for a reason
Let’s not get our hopes up
Cause we’re never getting out
Of this two-way street of falling
Compelled desperately of loving

Stanza 2:
One way or the other
We’d like an escape
From this emotional suicide
Of humanity and we’re hurt

But one way or the other
We’d like to be stuck to each other
Hands chained with letters
Of admiration and we are fine

Bridge:
Love is traitor holding us back
But love is a creator of what we live for
Love is a chance of forgetting weakness
And we can all be screwed up but only to love

I’m supposed to do work stuff today but instead I got lazy enough to watch a marathon of vampire diaries. Quite distracted and inspired in one scene, paused it for a while and made this poem and turned it into a song. Not done yet, made a melody for the chorus part (on bold).

This is about falling inlove – a trap that we can’t ever handle and we never knew. It is what we want and don’t want at the same time and we don’t actually have a choice. Sometimes we love enough but if we get hurt, we want to turn off the feelings and only think of ourselves.. just so the pain will go away. It’s pushing and pulling of nature.

I got inspired with the series. I was watching season 3 when Elena was almost giving in that she also wanted Damon.

Small Connections That Mattered

I’m so so sooooo stressed and I won’t elaborate much about it. Why? It sucks. Why would anyone keep herself stressed and be more stressed telling stories about stress. See. That word is a pain to the ears. Haha!

Anyway, I’d really want to blog this since yesterday but I am to tired to do so. I was never aware about my routine in the neighborhood, just my whereabouts. Since I was a kid, I never had friends in our neighborhood because we used to move almost every 2 years. It was more of don’t unwanting to put another effort to adapt to another community every other time.

I was so stressed yesterday and my problems and things to do are fighting over my time slots. I was also dead tired and drained more so because of the hotness of the weather.

But here are the following things that made my day lighter and easier somewhow:

1. FREE RENTAL! I was supposed to download a file from my email at our house but our internet is super duper slow… killed most of my time. So I decided that to avoid more time wasting, I need to rent at the computer shop. The shop was full and I just begged the girl to let me rent right away. It was still slow but yeah, 30 minutes is far better than hours wasting. After downloading, placed myself back to my in-a-hurry-cramming state. I prepared my wallet for the rent and asked for the price. She said it’s free already. OMG! REALLY? Yes, I felt like someone proposed. Haha! It was really touching. Because I go to there shop to print our modules and photocopy my pieces all the time. Most of the computer shops would ask at least php10 for 5 minute usage. It was really sweet. Yey! 🙂

2. A CAB DRIVER TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE AND WAVED AT ME GOODBYE. I don’t have a car and basically taxi is my means of transportation. I seldom ride jeepneys and trains because of my condition (sickness; low blood pressure). I am the type who’s always on the go – goes to one to the other in one day. So, cabs are the answer. I talk to cab drivers a lot. I don’t try hard to make a conversation but I love talking to cab drivers. I talk to them with mostly current events, family and work. I love hearing different opinions and being aware of some things on a different perspective. So yesterday, when I was to go off the cab, the driver said take care like he meant it and waved at me like we’re gonna see each other soon. IT’S SWEET. AM I BEING WIERD NOW?

3. GUARD AT A COFFEE SHOP SAID HELLO! There’s this coffee shop near our house thar I pass by everyday. Actually, it’s my favorite coffee shop. I also hang out there but not recently since I’ve been busy. When I was on my way home, walking, the guard said HELLO MA’AM! like as if I am entering the store (but actually not) and it felt like it was a sincere hello from a friend. IT’S CUTE. It made me smile and replied back. I am really touched by this simple hello. I feel safe and noticed in a way that I wasn’t offended.

4. TRICYCLE DRIVER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. I’m telling you that this isn’t freaky at all. Before I rode the tricycle I told where my street is then I noticed it stopped without me telling it where to stop. Haha! I think this is cute too! It just made me feel at home. In a sense that I feel secure that people around know me and how I can be.

They know me because I made small connections that mattered… friendship. Friendship with security guards, cab drivers, sales lady and tricycle drivers… they can actually lighten my stress and distract me from over thinking. It made me realize how small things can change your whole day. Who are we to judge?

I love the feeling of having the slightest connection to a not-so-stranger in your everyday life. It’s like jt re-affirms me that I am not a snob nor a bitch. Haha!

Are You Foolish?

Let’s see how this works… How do you know if someone is a fool? At what point would you consider yourself foolish? Are their really foolish things to do? Or is it just foolish because somebody told you it is?

LOVE. It’s that 4-letter word again. La-la-la-love. Are we really fools out of love? Or we just can’t accept its magic on us? If you love someone who doesn’t and will not ever love you back, is that foolish or is it selfless love? If you stopped and ruined a wedding ceremony because you know he can’t be with her, is it foolishness or is it courage that seeks you within?

What if we just hate to admit how deep we can go and instead blame it to foolishness in this world? What are we afraid of? Why is it that it feels like that foolishness is more acceptable than being screwed up in love? Why is it even labeled as being screwed if we give in to it?