Whatever it is, it brought me here.

PEOPLE COME AND GO. SOME STAY SOME DON’T. Maybe this is where I wanted to focus more. I am actually thankful that people who passed by my life didn’t stay. I figured out who my real friends are, who sticks with me, who loves me most and who, whatever happens, will fight for me.

There are a lot of somebody-that-I-used-to-know’s in my life but I don’t care. There are a lot of friends that are not my friends anymore but so what? There are a few ex-bestfriends and and and an ex lover but then again, so what? I have a gazillion (of course, I’m exaggerating) awesome people around me now and I’m thankful for them. What I have now are deeper and mature relationships… also lighter in a way. I gained a lot too. I gained a lot of friends in different fields of work.

I just love the way everything happens for a reason. Yes, cliche but it’s true right? If my ex-friends stayed, would I be able to meet the new ones? If I’m still with my partner right now, would I have the time to be open for new relationships and entertain new people in my life? If we didn’t broke up, I’m not sure if I can write songs. If I stayed at the conservatory will I be able to give time writing songs? I’m not exactly happy that it didn’t work out but I think I’m just looking at the brighter side.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. Good and bad, joyful and painful… whatever it is, it brought me here. And I am happy.

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That Hurtful Place

I don’t know why it feels like it’s still haunting me but I don’t think I can ever go back to that place again. It gives me that feeling that I can’t even describe and that I am just sure that I don’t want it at all. But it’s weird that I have this longingness to go back.

I miss how I was when I was there. I miss the experience studying there. I miss the restless days and nights of practicing a dozen etudes and piece. I miss how it feels like when people around you overcriticize everything you play so intellectually and passionately. I miss how it feels to go on concerts on recital halls and auditoriums too boring enough for ordinary people. Mostly, I miss to have those kind of friends having the same passion and I miss that kind of someone who would always be there on a right timing.

But I can’t beause IT HURTS and it still does. Calling it (memories) a lie would be stupid enough for me to say just because I am hurt so won’t say it. But I am hurt. I can’t risk it. I don’t want that to happen again. I feel like there’s really a damage in me. A big part of me was broken in that place and I am just starting to fix myself again.

But I like those memories. I loved it and I miss it. But that’s what hurts most – the happiest and most precious time of my life. And I am starting to miss her again. I hate that I miss her (ex) again. I hate that I miss them (ex-friends and ex-bestfriends) again. I hate that I hate it.

To tell you frankly, I can’t even recall the details of what happened. I think my brain automatically deleted those parts because it’s just too painful for me too handle. I just know that I’m hurt and I don’t want to get hurt anymore.