Waiting (Original Composition)

How long will I be waiting for you to be in my arms?
It’s so unending waiting for nothing

Stanza 1:
When we meet again,
I guess I’d stare at your face
The on that I can’t erase
There’s a missing page
Of the book
And I can’t complete the story

Refrain:
It’s not in me and I’m figuring it out
Let me ask you a question please

Chorus:
How long will I be waiting for you to be in my arms?
It’s so unending waiting for nothing

Stanza 2:
When we keep on running in circles
Too fancy enough like in a circus
Not laughing at all
Pushing and pulling and different directions
And I don’t know where to go

Repeat Refrain and Chorus

Bridge:
A happy thought inside my head
Smiles silently and whisphers goodnight before I go to sleep
Let me ask you a question please

Repeat Chorus

Written last December 3, 2013.

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Am I Procrastinating?

Oh, this is one of the questions that I never want to answer but maybe I am. Am I?

I’m currently in this situation that I need to work harder as a musical director (at our music tutorial center) and do some other business which I can get money from. My dad isn’t working, my mom doesn’t have enough income and my sister is graduating. That leads to me providing for my family. Appently being the musical director and an instructor (violin, drums, guitar and ukulele) can’t pay all the bills since my dad had stroke. So I me and my guy bestfriend decided to do a business – a t-shirt business. Oh wait, there’s more. Me and my bandmate decided to make productions and produce gigs for local and foreign artists. So that’s a total of 3 things I need to work on. But under those 3 are branches of list that I need to finish.

As a musical director (I am actually acting as the overall director), I do the marketing, meetings to clients and business partners. I do the teaching – I make the curriculum, modules and lesson plans. I study, arrange and write the students need to play and usually this is for quartets, ensembles and ensembles. I also do the financing and computing of all the money in and out. And even the posters and flyers – I design and edit them. Oh, and I handle all the networking sites of the school. Yes, I am superwoman.

For the t-shirt business, I need to canvass a lot of stuff – from different wholesalers of shirts to machines. I need to study costing and make designs!!!

For the production – this is actually exciting!!! Hihi. I’m good with handling events. I think I’m that person who likes everything organized much more if I am the one in charge. So I have no problem with this but…. same as the t-shirt business, we still need to do canvass the perfect venues, talk to artists and technicians and all other stuff like that.

So where’s the procrastinating part? I know there’s a long to-do list on my paper but I slept the whole day. Scratch that. Not whole day. But I sang and played. I even started to make the music of my original composition (see previous post). Maybe I was really so tired for the past months since my dad got sick. I’m really longing for a break but then I still can’t because if I stop, no one can pay the bills. Or I know what I want to do, it’s I just can’t… for now.

People Stared

I sang last night. It felt really good. I know I am not the best singer in the world (and not that I am competing with anyone, haha!) but I still have insecurities and I know I sing flats and sharps. It’s been a while since the last time me and my band had a gig and I never sung a song in front of people since then.

But last night, it felt really awesome. We were at my uncle Henry’s birthday party at a bar. He closed the whole bar for his party if I may add. There were musicians playing in trio – a guitarist, a singer and a percussionist. And my titos (aunts) and titas (uncles) requested for me to sing since they never heard me perform on stage.  So there I am, I couldn’t say no but really am scared cause I don’t have any practice at all.

People stared. I got the guitar and sang Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn and Bic Runga’s Sway. When I started singing, people started to pay attention. I just said to myself, “Shocks. This is so embarrassing. I didn’t practice at all and maybe I’m out of tune.” or something like “Ah, they’re looking cause they noticed that there’s a different singer in front of them.”. But then when I got to the chorus part, people stared and watched me the whole time. I was really flattered because I got their attention. It was a long time since I last believed in my singing and I took courage to share them to the audience… turns out they did too. I’m so happy! 🙂 

The Silly Thinking Of Me

I suddenly have this urge to play the guitar again. I missed it. After 2 or 3 years of running away from it, I miss it and I miss it so bad. It’s like a drug that I haven’t gotten in a while and it’s right here in front of me. It’s just the feels – more like I am longing for it and I want to be one with it.

I was so afraid. I played the classical guitar when I was at the conservatory. I fell in love with it – so with the people around it. Life there was practice, practice, practice then perform… repeat all throughout the school year. But things changed and it suddenly became a bad memory.

I have this fear that I brought everywhere I go. I can’t even get my guitar out of my case, more so playing it. Cause when I do, flashbacks hit me like nuclear canons, bombs, guns, knives that strike directly to my heart… and I feel the pain all over again. It sounds so melodramatic. Well, don’t judge because it hit me big time.

Through my escape, I tried lots of different stuff. But to tell frankly, I can getaway far enough from music. So first, I composed (bad memories can be a great source for original compositions). Second, I found myself composing and singing with a band – which I didn’t have for a long time. Third, I indulged myself and tried ukulele but don’t get me wrong, I met a lot of great people in an awesome community but sometimes I look for something deeper. Lastly, I tried going back to theater. It did brought me joyous moments and gave me a fresh start – awesome new found friends and mentors. In between those steps, I keep handling and teaching our music school. Yes, that’s the moving on me.

But lately, I find myself longing for it. Playing and practicing for hours, days and restless nights. My fingers long for the numbness and hardness of the callouses on my left hand. On my rifght, the long finger nails that is carefully shapes by a sand paper. I miss the addictive way of analyzing pieces and overthinking how it should be played. I miss criticizing every tone I make.

I miss it so bad but I think I still can’t go back. It’s weird that what I do now is play and play the guitar. I keep on arranging songs and make it an instrumental – close enough that I can get to classical music.

Will I ever go back? Can I ever handle going back? Because once I do, I think I am risking myself to be screwed all over again and my heart says enough and my heart wants more of it. Half of a half? A quarter of a half? I don’t know who wins the battle against this silly thinking of me.