Makes Me Feel Alive

It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?

This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.

I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.

Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.

The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.

Advertisement

It’s Easier To Like What We Don’t Have

It’s easier to like what we don’t have.

I don’t like to generalize but I just realized this. A few years ago I was so pre-occupied with work and taking care of my family. I was working day and night to pay bills especially my dad’s medication. I was longing for my time. I keep on pushing myself to work harder because I know in the end, it pays off. There goes my time. My time to reach my dreams.

I don’t know how I did it but I wrote and composed a lot of songs in a span of 3 years. Well, the first year was because my ex broke up with me. But I was busy for the last 2 years. I don’t even know what or who my inspiration was. I just hold on to the thought that i need to make time for myself. No matter how short it was, I need to sing, play and write music. I won’t let anything get in the way. I won’t let our family problems stop me from making music. So I did.

Since my dad passed away, I hate to admit it, but our life was better and lighter. I don’t need to work too much because we have lesser bills to pay. I have a lot of time in the world. I have more than enough. I haven’t written anything since then. Blank. Everything is blank.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the thrill and the excitement? Cause I can’t have it back then, I was motivated to reach my dreams. Come to think of it, everything is falling in to their places. All I need to do is to take a step forward and yet I’m not doing it. No hindrance at all. I wonder why.

Do you think it’s the same with relationships? How come we always here issues regarding third parties? Are people just bored? So they just prefer excitement once in a while? What’s this thing that they say about guys? Like they like girls better when they’re hard to get? Well, I think that goes to the girls also. Who would want an easy to get? Mmm.

Letting Go & Moving On

My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more  regular heartbreaks.

This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.

I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.

Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.

To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.

RISING

I am proud of how I keep on pulling myself back up everytime I fall down.

Oh, you wouldn’t want to trade your position to mine. If you just know the story of my life, you probably wonder how do I get by each day. You’ll probably wonder why the hell I still laugh, joke about a lot of stuff, appreciate small things, finish work & errands, go out and have fun at the same time. There’s just a lot of factors pulling and breaking me down, a lot of reasons to give up and too many things I can leave behind. But that’s not my focus here. I’m not just boosting my self esteem but I am really really proud how I keep on pulling myself back up when I fall down. Some stay down. Some look for inspirations.

Some depend on others and wait for them to pull them up. AREN’T THEY WASTING TIME? Why would you indulge in staying on the ground with your problems? No matter what it is, THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. If you don’t like the situation, CHANGE IT. The decision is always up to you, DO IT. What if we can’t find inspirations? The question is, do we really need to? If we keep on depending our motivation and decision from others, we tend to be frustrated and sad if they don’t do what is expected. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Some stay, some go. INSPIRE YOURSELF. It’s only a matter of how you think and see things. If you get frustrated with people around you, still… be inspired. Be the person they are not. BE BETTER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, KEEP ON GOING.

You wouldn’t believe how strong you will become. You’ll be surprised to where you can possibly be.   It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s true, I’ve witnessed this a couple of times and I am proud of who I am. I feel so gateful for everything that had happened and blessed for everyone I met, who left and stayed.

Whatever it is, it brought me here.

PEOPLE COME AND GO. SOME STAY SOME DON’T. Maybe this is where I wanted to focus more. I am actually thankful that people who passed by my life didn’t stay. I figured out who my real friends are, who sticks with me, who loves me most and who, whatever happens, will fight for me.

There are a lot of somebody-that-I-used-to-know’s in my life but I don’t care. There are a lot of friends that are not my friends anymore but so what? There are a few ex-bestfriends and and and an ex lover but then again, so what? I have a gazillion (of course, I’m exaggerating) awesome people around me now and I’m thankful for them. What I have now are deeper and mature relationships… also lighter in a way. I gained a lot too. I gained a lot of friends in different fields of work.

I just love the way everything happens for a reason. Yes, cliche but it’s true right? If my ex-friends stayed, would I be able to meet the new ones? If I’m still with my partner right now, would I have the time to be open for new relationships and entertain new people in my life? If we didn’t broke up, I’m not sure if I can write songs. If I stayed at the conservatory will I be able to give time writing songs? I’m not exactly happy that it didn’t work out but I think I’m just looking at the brighter side.

I am thankful for everything that has happened. Good and bad, joyful and painful… whatever it is, it brought me here. And I am happy.

How Do I Write Again?

Is it really possible that we constantly change? I mean we adapt to different situations but somehow it struck us one way or the other, right?

This I question because somehow I felt that I changed… well I think I do. Sometimes I feel like I am the better me, sometimes I am lost. I haven’t written or posted anything for months except the entry before this. I think I forgot to write. I don’t know what to write. There was a point in my life that there’s just too many thoughts, reflections and realizations everyday. And it just pops out of my head to a point that I needed to write it right away cause I might forget.

Now, I don’t know what to write about. I wanted to blog again but I don’t want to tell a story about my day cause it’s boring. I don’t want to brag about my problems cause it’s not healthy and I’m handling it anyway. I wanted to write about my recent experience on working with a film company here in the Philippines, got to meet movie actors but nah… I wanted to find those random thoughts I used to write about, wisdom I get from every problem, Reflections and positive outlook in life but where is it now?

Have I changed? Or was I just pre occupied? I wanted that part of myself back. I love those posts and I still want to inspire a lot of readers. How cab I be inspired? What do I do?

I’m Falling In Love On How People Fall In Love… With Music.

It’s so indulging. I am in a sort of magnet that draws me closer to those people. I find it inspiring how they fall in love with something and finds a way to live with it every single day.

I’m a late bloomer. I learned a lot of instruments when I was young but never had I learned of music I wanted to play and listen to. It was always my dad saying PLAY THIS. PLAY THAT. THIS IS GOOD. THAT SONG IS BETTER. I believed him. I don’t blame him. It was my choice.

But then it was when I stopped studying (Conservatory) that I started being exposed to music that I really wanted to listen to. I search for bands, artists to artists, songs after songs and it was endless pattern. I liked it. No, loved it.

I like watching live performances, going to gigs, singing along with the crowd, staring and figuring out bass lines, getting into falling for ad libs and drum beats. Every performance is different from another, may it be frome a single artist or different bands. I like seeing through them that they love what they do and they are happy about it. Those people getting along just for the love of music… no pressure!

I’ve met a few of them and believe me when I say, they are effin awesome and surprisingly humble. Most don’t care about popularity which is only limited to wanting people to connect with their music. Some would go to gigs without talent fee because they just want to play/sing. Some would practice so late at night even after dragging pressure at work just so they could make music. They don’t care who’s who, which band is better, or that guitarist studied at the conservatory — equal.

I falling in love with the idea. And I know for a fact that I am making compositions just so that I can write one but to spread it to the world. In time, I’ll find that place where I get to be on stage again and not just be one with the crowd.

Here’s a video of my band playing one of our original songs (I’m the vocalist; wrote the lyrics and melody).

DARK ROOM (ORIGINAL) BY RIDDLE ME THIS

It’s just a bit sad that finding bandmantes is like finding the love of your lifr. You just have to put a lot of things into consideration… and it’s a commitment.

BUT EVERYTHING, I PROMISE, SOON.

Eunice’s Heart

One of the great things you can ever witness in this life is people’s passion. Seeing one perfome live with all her heart and see how much she enjoys it can move a a thousand.

Recently, I discovered this local OPM rock band named Gracenote. I don’t watch tv nor listen to the radio. Apparently, they’re famous here in the Philippines and I don’t know them. Well, that’s me. I most prolly prefer the indie scene soul, techno, jazz, dream pop, etc. They sound more like a combination of Paramore, Yellowcard, No Doubt and Sum 41 combined. But here they are scattered all over youtube and I can’t stop watching their videos especially their vocalist, Eunice Jorge.

Eunice also plays the violin, guitar, piano and drums. She’s no poser. I swear I would know. She’s really great. She plays classical and so as rock. She reminds me of who I might have become if I am not taking too much responsibility at home and in our music school. If I had made time for what I want and search for inspirations just anywhere in town… I could’ve been singing or playing my heart out just they she does it now. The way she sings, it’s so energetic. You can see how much she enjoys every inch of music around her — may it be their compo, a cover or even classical.

She’s taking me back to the conservatory I guess. For all the reasons I left and never want to come back, she’s flipping it back. She’s making me think that they are a lot of possible things which I didn’t see and I never thought I could see anymore. I hated school. I got turned off with classical music and the peoplr around it because of what I experienced. It was so hard for me to even listen to it more so play it. I turned my back to everything related to classical.

But there she is with her band, all studied classical music (I think) and I can feel their passion even with simply hearing them. No limitations, no judgements of different genres. They are open to everything and they enjoy every sense of music in here possible.

I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop watching their videos on youtube. It makes me idle for a while but it keeps me thinking WHAT’S THIS FOR? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I know I don’t need to make a decision on wether or not I’ll go back to the conservatory but I want what they do or maybe I just want to enjoy music as they do — no complications and just for the love of it. I still want to continue writing compositions and I still want my band to play more gigs.

It’s the heart. That’s where you can see right through every person. That’s where you’ll see there passion and we can never be blinded by it but only INSPIRED.

But thank you, whatever it that you do, your passion it hit me hard (in a good way of course), thank you Eunice! Thank you Gracenote!

A Morning Prayer

“You’re a familiar place, a steady state of mind, in silence. Lead me down to the unspoken, breathless and with my heart broken. See through me in the absence of you see. Hide what isn’t me in the presence of your ability. Amen.”

I thought I was writing a poem or a song but then I ended up doing a prayer. It seems like He’s my greatest inspiration of all. I have never felt loved the way he did. I have never felt that feeling of being special and important than I know in my heart that even I am a little of value, He needs me more than I (being only human) can ever need Him.

I don’t know what my purpose in life is but I love living it just because somebody loves me. And I can’t ever help myself to feel that feeling being found and can never ever be lost again. I feel safe and secure as if I can never be hurt and if I do, I wouldn’t be left alone. I would have arms around me and I could lie next to Him feeling better no matter what. I don’t (as in never would) want to hurt anybody because somebody would never ever want to quit on me.

The way He believes in my heart, I can’t ever explain but my heart is pure and I can never want to resist good because He is good. Good enough for me to be good for somebody too.

Talking To Strangers

I am that person who talks to random strangers I meet in my every day — sales ladies, another customer of the store I am in and cab drivers most especially. I don’t do small talks. I don’t believe in such. I talk to them because I wanted to talk to them and not just because I need to. If I ask them about how their day was, I am interested to know about it — not fake it.

I talk to strangers especially cab drivers. I spend at least a quarter of my day with them and at least an eighth of their day with me. Might as well, waste it right? I just love the fact that I have someone to talk to. I go to different places a day, back and fort, and I can’t keep thinking about work during my travel time. I guess it’s the same thing to them. Probably, a bit more boring than mine because they spend their time on the road more like (well, really) a responsibility and not for leisure.

Talking. It’s a release of whatever emotions or just anything you have inside you. Like for me, if I keep thinking of my to-do list during my me-time, I would blow up like a nuclear bomb. So, I talk to people. Random ones.

Friends can’t always be there physically for you. We all have our own whereabouts and we can’t commit to everything at the same time.

Having a conversation to a lot of strangers are really healthy. Well at least, for me. Talking to them is like having an unlimited access to a wide range of experiences, opinions and advice. You ought to learn different perspectives on life, family, friends, love, work, school, music and a whole lot more.

It’s not just really about the talking but also the listening part. Isn’t nice to know that someone listens to small things that happened to you during your day? The greatest part is, this conversation happens in both ways — in full attention or not, you gained a new thought, noticed a different point of view and learned a new dimension in some itsy bitsy parts of life.