My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.
I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more regular heartbreaks.
This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.
I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.
Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.
To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.
The truth about forgiveness is that if you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean the following:
1. that they are sorry.
2. that they won’t do it again.
3. that they’ll be better than before.
The thing is that we have to live with that. We can’t control everyone and definitely can’t dictate others what to do cause they have their own lives to live and own decisions to make.
We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. We forgive to make peace with somebody and find peace with ourselves. We forgive so that we could let go and move on. If we hold grudges then we will always be stuck on the same page.
This is another post from my old blog. Dated April 3, 2013.
We watched The host last night. I didn’t expect that the movie was great. I didn’t expect the story to be great either. I thought it was just another lovesick story of Stephenie Meyer like the Twilight Saga. Don’t blame me. Twilight Saga was really good. It’s just that it was too much. It was full of vampires, the love story and the forever thingy. Maybe because it was too mainstream that I can’t appreciate it that much anymore. Anyways, going back to the movie, it was really great.
It was not an action packed movie that you get to hold on tight to the one beside you and that you can’t even blink because you can’t miss a scene. It was not the movie but the story – especially the lessons in it.
“It can only be captured by kindness and love.” – Wanda
That line shot me the most.
Maybe there’s just too much battle we see in this world that we never get to trust that easily or even doubt a stranger of his capabilities of being good to us. Or was it really the pain we experienced with our previous struggles in life that we can’t see how anyone can ever heal us? There’s just too much chaos around us. Everyone is sick of it but almost everyone does nothing to change it. We don’t want it changed. We always want revenge to our enemies (those who hurt us). Why consider them enemies in the first place?
When somebody punches you, you’re natural instinct is to punch him back. Right? Then what happens next is you keep knocking each other until one goes down. Does this really need to happen?
When somebody lies to you, you want to lie the same way? Or if not lie, backstab that person until he’s ruined?
Everyone wants peace but we keep on doing what we are doing as humans. We have lots of capabilities and we can’t even consider that we can do most of them. It’s just that we are not used to it.
If someone punches you, walk away and let go. If he calls you a chicken, a loser or whatever it is he might think of, let it go. Forgive.