A Hole In My Chest

June 21, 2015, Sunday – Father’s day. This was by far the most difficult day for me go online. I think unconsciously as this day came, I was waiting for it. Maybe because I don’t know how it would feel like. I don’t know what this day would be like.

My dad isn’t here anymore. This is the first time we celebrated father’s day without him. I don’t remember him missing any important occasion. HE IS ALWAYS THERE. From birthdays, to graduations, first communions, confirmations and even gigs.

I, to tell you honestly, don’t know what to say. I effin miss him so bad. Our family used to be like magnets. We can’t be separated from each other. We go to church together, both of our parents drive us to school, we shop together, my dad is even the one who tells us to go to the salon and get a hot oil with mani and pedi package. We even go to a convenience store together just to buy a midnight snack. I miss him so bad.

I miss us eating to different restaurants and going to movies. I miss our vacations. We would go on a road trip just to eat and eat again. My dad used to let me go with him when he watches gigs even if I’m was just around 5 years old. I miss playing with him. I miss how he teaches me old school music over and over again. I miss laughing and fool around with him. I miss talking to him about politics and random issues in our society. I miss him being selfish and sometimes self-centered. I miss him being a show-off and mayabang. I miss him being a liar and being the one who can’t accept his mistakes most of the time. I miss how he keeps on eating food that isn’t allowed to him. I miss everything my dad is. I can’t say it enough because my heart keeps on breaking everytimes it comes to my mind that he won’t coming back.

Everytime someone I love passes away, I always feel like our time together was too short even if we spent a lot together. It always feels like it wasn’t enough. But everytime I do think of this, the other thoughts came to mind — how about my half siblings? I have a half brother and a half sister. How often did they spend their time with my dad? Was he ever present on their birthdays? How about their graduations? I doubt that my dad was there every Christmas and New Year. How about my half sister’s debut? Was she able to dance with my dad like I did?

We were lucky to have him almost 24/7 in our lives. He’s so overprotective that sometimes I felt that if he could still be with us during our bad dreams, he will still be there. My siblings weren’t able to spend most of their time with my dad.

What more to those who were raised by single moms out there. To those kids who grew up without their fathers. More so to the kids who haven’t met their fathers at all.

When my dad died, I felt like something is missing – a big hole in my chest that I don’t know how to fill. I couldn’t imagine what others might me going through. I could avoid browsing facebook and instagram all day and not see posts about how my friends celebrated today’s occassion with their fathers. But who am I kidding? It will always be like this. I have no choice but to accept the fact that my dad is gone. I have to face a lot of new memories without him. BUT A lot of kids weren’t able to spend Father’s day at all. Why should I brag and complain? This may take time. Hoping that it wouldn’t take that long.

I miss you daddy. To my hero and my first boyfriend, Happy father’s day in heaven! Flying kisses from your baby girl. :-* I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

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Every Anger Must Have An Expiration Date.

I don’t know if you have noticed but anger kills us. It cuts us deep just enough to tear us apart and break us down. Why do we notice more negative things than the positive ones? Is it because positive ones are almost like given everyday and it’s simply normal? Is it because when negative things happens, we are hurt and that hurt can ruin our whole day? But isn’t it our discretion to either feel nor reject those things?

Anger must have an expiration date. Have you ever imagined yourself being angry to someone for so long… forever? Your whole life? You’re better than that. What’s the use of being angry that long? What would it do to you? Will that person suffer that much if you’re angry? Would that suffering of the person give you joy in ways you can’t imagine? Useless.

Anger is a feeling. And what are feelings for? It’s a proof that we are human. Feelings are the stimulus of our actions especially in our relationships.Yes, anger, we need to feel it when we are fucked up by life. And so as happiness and love, all are feelings we need to feel in order to maintain balance. If we can’t experience anger, pain and loneliness, how will we know that happiness is one of the greatest feelings in life? 

I’m not saying that being angry is a mistake but being angry for a long period of time is. We have choices to be made for ourselves. If we decide to be angry at a person for months, will it please you? No. You bring it with you wherever you go. It’s a negative aura and it will always be written in your face and in your actions. It’s a chain reaction to you like if you’re angry, you are pissed — not just with someone but with things that you shouldn’t be pissed with, when you’re pissed, you don’t wanna go out and hang out with friends because you’re too busy hating the world. I am exaggerating but who knows, right?

Give an expiration date on all negative feelings you have. Let go of pain, anger, loneliness, suffering and forgive. Wherever you go, bring peace, love and happiness with you. You might be able to gain it back… doubled if I may add. It won’t hurt to be happy.

Farewell Today

Farewell Today
Of Loneliness and Sorrows
Leave me for Tomorrow

Farewell Today
For I’ll wake up to meet the sun
Tomorrow til the next days after

Farewell Today
I hope to not spend time with you
Just not over and over again

A day like this, I can’t ever miss
Happiness that I wished was longing not to resist
Pains and complications of Todays and Yesterdays
Come not tomorrow but maybe some other day

Farewell Today,
Tuck me in tonight because all I can say is goodbye

Farewell Today,
Til I’m ready to face you with courage and fear nowhere to be seen

A day like this, all I want is to resist
Loneliness that I wished never to exist
Pains and complications of Todays and Yesterdays
Come not tomorrow but maybe some other day