My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.
I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more regular heartbreaks.
This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.
I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.
Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.
To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.