Will we just leave it behind?

For dreams to come true, will it cover our lifetime for us to reach it? Will it be decades? Will it be there when we wake up in the morning?

I never dreamed about something for myself not until my ex broke up with me 2 years ago. I will always be that girl who dreams for other people’s dreams to come true especially my family. And when I dream about myself back then, I dream to be with her always and forever. Same thing I guess, I dreamt about her dreams to come true. If their happy, I’m happy. I never thought so much about myself.

I talk about dreams a lot now because I’m itchy enough to get them. I think it was repressed for 23 years and it wants to break free from me. But I still can’t or won’t? Because I’m tied up with responsibilities at home. It’s not that they’re obliging me to make a living for them but I want to. I can never want to not help them. I can never dream alone living my family behind me.

Speaking of my ex, I’ve read stuff on facebook and twitter from our common friends. They are releasing their album soon and they will be having a tour in Europe. Wow. Good for her. I’ve always wanted her dreams to come true. I just wish I’d still be with her when it that they came but I am not. She wanted that and I’m happy for her. Even though we’re not talking anymore and even though she blocked me on facebook, I’m happy for her. No biggies. We had something for a while and it’s gone but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Before she broke up with me I had problems with my family. I had the same responsibilities and problems but on a lighter load. And same as it is, I just can’t let my family go. I was having a hard time and crying on her shoulder. She told me to let them go. She told me to think about myself first. She told me to leave them on their own – I didn’t.

What would I do? She had a point. If I leave my family, I can focus more on myself and achieve things for myself. Because they are dragging me. But I can’t. No, I can but I won’t. I know things would be easier if we let go of things that give us a harder time but no.

I think I’d wait for my time no matter how long it is because I can’t leave them behind. It wouldn’t feel any better if I am rich, popular and famous doing music if I’m not with them and they are having a hard time. I can’t live with that. If I want to achieve something, I want to share it. I want to achieve it with somebody by my side. I want to celebrate that achievement with somebody. I’m longing for my dreams to come true but I am not selfish enough to dream on my own. It’s not that I am not thinking of myself but sometimes it feels so much better being selfless.

I am hurting. I am suffering. But my heart is light, happy and at ease. It’s just time and I can be patient.

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If I Had A Normal Life, Would I Still Be Extraordinary?

I am sitting here alone eating lunch at a japanese restaurant. Beside me is the table of a family. I can’t help but to listen to a few conversations. The daughter is asking for her mom to buy her something – her mom said yes. The son is asking advise from her (ate/older sister) – her sister gives advise. Finally, the dad paid the bill.

I envy them a bit. Actually, I’m sort of jealous to normal-functioning-typical families. I get jealous to my students’ family because parents pay for their lessons and every summer they go out of town and vacation. But most of the time, I get jealous when their parents are telling their kids what to do and discipline them. I think I never had that.

So here I am sitting thinking about my stress earlier before I got here – my mom is complaining because I don’t give her money anymore, my dad is pressuring me with things I am handling already. They always wanted too much from me but I don’t see them putting an effort. There is a whole big story about this but basically part of me says that I raised my parents rather than the other way around. There’s too many problems at home to a point that I don’t mind it that much and just go on with my life keeping a positive attitude about it — most especially patients and understanding.

There. I’m longing for that kind. I wanted to be supported in my studies. I want to ask money when I go out. I’d like them to buy me gadgets for my instruments. I don’t want to buy washing machines, refrigerators, coolers. I don’t want to budget our money for the week and I don’t want to worry on how will I make more money the next month. I don’t want my little sister depending so much on me than on them.

But there’s the challenge there. If I got all I wanted from my parents, will I still be me? Would I still be this hard working? Would I still be so patient and understanding to everyone I meet? Would I still be good in budgeting and handling money? Would I still be more concerned to my family and others or will I be thinking of myself only?

I think not. What we have and don’t have is what makes us. Our experiences build us and our goals strengthen us. We can’t cheat life. We can’t skip the harder struggles because we won’t be anything if everything is already given on a silver platter.

Kids are soooooo inquisitive.

Well, I was at our garage doing some work stuff on my laptop. I can’t do it in my room since Elsa (the dog we baby sit) can’t stop making noises if she doesn’t have company. So there I was on our garage working while kids playing outside. I took a break and watched The Vampire Diaries and it is, as of now, my new addiction and of course, while eating some chips. So this little girl came and asked if she could come in. I thought she would play with Elsa but then she sat beside me and watched with me asking so many questions and nagging about the series continuously – What’s that? What is it about? Can have your chips? Who’s he? Vampire? Can I have more chips? Is she his girlfriend? OMG he’s going to kill her! I told you he’ll be inside her house! What happened?… Ha! Ha! Funny! Just as when I was watching the intense part and I can’t concentrate. It also felt really awkward because they are too many violent scenes and and and… making out scenes. LOL!

I want to be annoyed but then it’s too cute. I guess I’m not used to having kids around me except in class when the kids are my students and I feel that I have an authority over them. I find it cute and entertaining. Because lately I was too fond of taking care of my grandma here at home and basically my extra time goes to her. It’s cute! It’s super duper cute! I like being asked no matter how many questions are there to be asked. Repeated questions, common sense questions, irritating questions… I like it. For kids, they’re just too curious about the world around them. For grandmas, well, they tend to forget and there’s a few things to talk about. I guess I can conclude that it doesn’t bother me at all. No harm can be done in asking. Right?