What are you willing to risk?

Last night, I got caught up again with the never ending conflict of me building my dreams versus me doing responsibilities for my family (doing work). In my heart, I know that part of me screws up my work because I don’t want to do that anymore. But I can’t stop. If I do, then where will I get money to pay bills? My dream is still in progress. I don’t know exactly what I wanted to do but most probably it is related to music. Song writing, performing, I guess. Main conflict would be I can’t earn money right away if I just perform my compositions. That takes hell a lot of time just to sell myself out to the music industry.

The question hit me. I have no answer yet. But I was wondering if I ask the you the same thing, what would your answer be?

What are you willing to risk in order for your dreams to come true?

Is it your job? Is it time? Is it your relationships around you? Is it the money? Is it your health that you are willing to sacrifice?

This Is What I Want

I think I never felt so sure in what I wanted until now.

Why should I be chosen to be part of the 5th ELEMENTS MUSIC CAMP 2014?

Well, I don’t know how to answer this exactly. I’ve got a lot on my mind and I’m not quite sure which are the reasons and which are just about my problems in life. I can’t really tell the difference. So how can I ever enumerate them? Whatever. Here it goes…

1. If they ask me this question, I might just answer BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO. I NEED TO. Music is basically my life and I can’t imagine having another outlet. Music somehow keeps me sane.

2. The instructors are my inspiration. I look up to them. I am motivated and inspired whenever I watch them play or sing at their gigs. And even just listening to their songs. I appreciate every ounce of it. I am moved by it. Sometimes songs give me chills.. I even cry and I can’t tell how it happens. Lyrics are goot but the music, it strikes me through the heart and stays in me like a drug. I like how it feels and I want to let it out through my own music. It gives me passion to my craft. They inspire me and I would really loved it if I become one of many others’ inspiration too. It’s like changing the world… scratch that! It’s like saving the world .. exagge much? Well at least makes the world somewhat a better and lighter place to live in.

3. I’m not that good. I know I have something and I want to be better. There’s this chaos in my heart fighting with my head and I want to let it out through music. I can’t make everyone appreciate what I write. In fact, I don’t care what they think. I want to express myself. I want to make music and I want to be good enough to give justice to my thoughts. I want to produce music. I am in love with it and I can’t just let it slip away without trying hard enough. I know it’s a bit silly but this is what I want. I believe in myself and I want to make myself better by learning a whole lot more — seeing through others’ perspectives, beliefs and passion.

4. I am a music instructor but who teaches me? I teach mostly kids violin, guitar, ukulele and high school bands. I love what I do and I love how they look up to me as their teacher. But I feel like I am limited. I think I stopped learning when I focused in teaching. I can’t study for now because of lack of funds. My band and I broke up. No gigs. I have limited sources to grow. I want to be better. I want to be better for myself and for my students. I don’t wanna ever stop learning and this right here is an opportunity to learn from the masters and it is for free.

Wow. I never realized I wanted this thing bad. I’ve never been so sure of something for a very long time. Please pray for me to pass the auditions.

Between The Lines

My mom and sister had a fight (almost) earlier. Long story. But I gotta say, I’m just really tired being the bridge of this family. It’s like I need to fix everything. It’s not that I don’t want to help but they are grown ups. They can fix their fights all on their own. Mom rants to me. Sister rants to me. Repeat 100x. And it’s not always them. Sometimes it’s my dad and mom. Sometimes my sister and my dad. Ugh. I love them. I don’t want them fighting. I don’t want them misinterprenting everything they say or do to each other. It ruins the relationship. I don’t want that. Can I ever get out of it? I have my own life too.

I know we don’t need to always read between lines but sometimes we need to. People may not always mean what they say. They struggle for words too. Sometimes they say things according to what they feel at the moment but feelings are temporary. Happiness won’t last forever and so as anger. We also can not always rely for bridges/messengers to fix things for us. They have their own lives to live. We can not always depend on other people to fix relationships. We need to communicate on our own to the people we had conflict with and we need to be open. We can never be right all the time and we can never be wrong all the time. It’s not always what you think that matters. There are always other sides to consider.

Will we just leave it behind?

For dreams to come true, will it cover our lifetime for us to reach it? Will it be decades? Will it be there when we wake up in the morning?

I never dreamed about something for myself not until my ex broke up with me 2 years ago. I will always be that girl who dreams for other people’s dreams to come true especially my family. And when I dream about myself back then, I dream to be with her always and forever. Same thing I guess, I dreamt about her dreams to come true. If their happy, I’m happy. I never thought so much about myself.

I talk about dreams a lot now because I’m itchy enough to get them. I think it was repressed for 23 years and it wants to break free from me. But I still can’t or won’t? Because I’m tied up with responsibilities at home. It’s not that they’re obliging me to make a living for them but I want to. I can never want to not help them. I can never dream alone living my family behind me.

Speaking of my ex, I’ve read stuff on facebook and twitter from our common friends. They are releasing their album soon and they will be having a tour in Europe. Wow. Good for her. I’ve always wanted her dreams to come true. I just wish I’d still be with her when it that they came but I am not. She wanted that and I’m happy for her. Even though we’re not talking anymore and even though she blocked me on facebook, I’m happy for her. No biggies. We had something for a while and it’s gone but it doesn’t mean I don’t care.

Before she broke up with me I had problems with my family. I had the same responsibilities and problems but on a lighter load. And same as it is, I just can’t let my family go. I was having a hard time and crying on her shoulder. She told me to let them go. She told me to think about myself first. She told me to leave them on their own – I didn’t.

What would I do? She had a point. If I leave my family, I can focus more on myself and achieve things for myself. Because they are dragging me. But I can’t. No, I can but I won’t. I know things would be easier if we let go of things that give us a harder time but no.

I think I’d wait for my time no matter how long it is because I can’t leave them behind. It wouldn’t feel any better if I am rich, popular and famous doing music if I’m not with them and they are having a hard time. I can’t live with that. If I want to achieve something, I want to share it. I want to achieve it with somebody by my side. I want to celebrate that achievement with somebody. I’m longing for my dreams to come true but I am not selfish enough to dream on my own. It’s not that I am not thinking of myself but sometimes it feels so much better being selfless.

I am hurting. I am suffering. But my heart is light, happy and at ease. It’s just time and I can be patient.

Are You Foolish?

Let’s see how this works… How do you know if someone is a fool? At what point would you consider yourself foolish? Are their really foolish things to do? Or is it just foolish because somebody told you it is?

LOVE. It’s that 4-letter word again. La-la-la-love. Are we really fools out of love? Or we just can’t accept its magic on us? If you love someone who doesn’t and will not ever love you back, is that foolish or is it selfless love? If you stopped and ruined a wedding ceremony because you know he can’t be with her, is it foolishness or is it courage that seeks you within?

What if we just hate to admit how deep we can go and instead blame it to foolishness in this world? What are we afraid of? Why is it that it feels like that foolishness is more acceptable than being screwed up in love? Why is it even labeled as being screwed if we give in to it?

Kids are soooooo inquisitive.

Well, I was at our garage doing some work stuff on my laptop. I can’t do it in my room since Elsa (the dog we baby sit) can’t stop making noises if she doesn’t have company. So there I was on our garage working while kids playing outside. I took a break and watched The Vampire Diaries and it is, as of now, my new addiction and of course, while eating some chips. So this little girl came and asked if she could come in. I thought she would play with Elsa but then she sat beside me and watched with me asking so many questions and nagging about the series continuously – What’s that? What is it about? Can have your chips? Who’s he? Vampire? Can I have more chips? Is she his girlfriend? OMG he’s going to kill her! I told you he’ll be inside her house! What happened?… Ha! Ha! Funny! Just as when I was watching the intense part and I can’t concentrate. It also felt really awkward because they are too many violent scenes and and and… making out scenes. LOL!

I want to be annoyed but then it’s too cute. I guess I’m not used to having kids around me except in class when the kids are my students and I feel that I have an authority over them. I find it cute and entertaining. Because lately I was too fond of taking care of my grandma here at home and basically my extra time goes to her. It’s cute! It’s super duper cute! I like being asked no matter how many questions are there to be asked. Repeated questions, common sense questions, irritating questions… I like it. For kids, they’re just too curious about the world around them. For grandmas, well, they tend to forget and there’s a few things to talk about. I guess I can conclude that it doesn’t bother me at all. No harm can be done in asking. Right?