Makes Me Feel Alive

It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?

This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.

I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.

Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.

The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.

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It’s Easier To Like What We Don’t Have

It’s easier to like what we don’t have.

I don’t like to generalize but I just realized this. A few years ago I was so pre-occupied with work and taking care of my family. I was working day and night to pay bills especially my dad’s medication. I was longing for my time. I keep on pushing myself to work harder because I know in the end, it pays off. There goes my time. My time to reach my dreams.

I don’t know how I did it but I wrote and composed a lot of songs in a span of 3 years. Well, the first year was because my ex broke up with me. But I was busy for the last 2 years. I don’t even know what or who my inspiration was. I just hold on to the thought that i need to make time for myself. No matter how short it was, I need to sing, play and write music. I won’t let anything get in the way. I won’t let our family problems stop me from making music. So I did.

Since my dad passed away, I hate to admit it, but our life was better and lighter. I don’t need to work too much because we have lesser bills to pay. I have a lot of time in the world. I have more than enough. I haven’t written anything since then. Blank. Everything is blank.

I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the thrill and the excitement? Cause I can’t have it back then, I was motivated to reach my dreams. Come to think of it, everything is falling in to their places. All I need to do is to take a step forward and yet I’m not doing it. No hindrance at all. I wonder why.

Do you think it’s the same with relationships? How come we always here issues regarding third parties? Are people just bored? So they just prefer excitement once in a while? What’s this thing that they say about guys? Like they like girls better when they’re hard to get? Well, I think that goes to the girls also. Who would want an easy to get? Mmm.

RISING

I am proud of how I keep on pulling myself back up everytime I fall down.

Oh, you wouldn’t want to trade your position to mine. If you just know the story of my life, you probably wonder how do I get by each day. You’ll probably wonder why the hell I still laugh, joke about a lot of stuff, appreciate small things, finish work & errands, go out and have fun at the same time. There’s just a lot of factors pulling and breaking me down, a lot of reasons to give up and too many things I can leave behind. But that’s not my focus here. I’m not just boosting my self esteem but I am really really proud how I keep on pulling myself back up when I fall down. Some stay down. Some look for inspirations.

Some depend on others and wait for them to pull them up. AREN’T THEY WASTING TIME? Why would you indulge in staying on the ground with your problems? No matter what it is, THERE IS ALWAYS A SOLUTION. If you don’t like the situation, CHANGE IT. The decision is always up to you, DO IT. What if we can’t find inspirations? The question is, do we really need to? If we keep on depending our motivation and decision from others, we tend to be frustrated and sad if they don’t do what is expected. PEOPLE WILL NOT ALWAYS BE AROUND. Some stay, some go. INSPIRE YOURSELF. It’s only a matter of how you think and see things. If you get frustrated with people around you, still… be inspired. Be the person they are not. BE BETTER. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, KEEP ON GOING.

You wouldn’t believe how strong you will become. You’ll be surprised to where you can possibly be.   It’s a bit of a cliche but it’s true, I’ve witnessed this a couple of times and I am proud of who I am. I feel so gateful for everything that had happened and blessed for everyone I met, who left and stayed.

How Do I Write Again?

Is it really possible that we constantly change? I mean we adapt to different situations but somehow it struck us one way or the other, right?

This I question because somehow I felt that I changed… well I think I do. Sometimes I feel like I am the better me, sometimes I am lost. I haven’t written or posted anything for months except the entry before this. I think I forgot to write. I don’t know what to write. There was a point in my life that there’s just too many thoughts, reflections and realizations everyday. And it just pops out of my head to a point that I needed to write it right away cause I might forget.

Now, I don’t know what to write about. I wanted to blog again but I don’t want to tell a story about my day cause it’s boring. I don’t want to brag about my problems cause it’s not healthy and I’m handling it anyway. I wanted to write about my recent experience on working with a film company here in the Philippines, got to meet movie actors but nah… I wanted to find those random thoughts I used to write about, wisdom I get from every problem, Reflections and positive outlook in life but where is it now?

Have I changed? Or was I just pre occupied? I wanted that part of myself back. I love those posts and I still want to inspire a lot of readers. How cab I be inspired? What do I do?

8 Things A Man Can’t Do

I wanted to write for a while now. I wanted to bring back my positive vibes in this blog yet I can’t since I have so much drama in my life recently. I’ve decided, why not some random thought rather than a reflection? Less words can make sense after all. So here is a list of 8 impossible things of which I think a man can’t do:

1. One can never be right all the time.
We make mistakes. We would all be fools if we can’t even see that.

2. One can never know everything.
There are a lot of nerds and geniuses out there who would probably say they know all the facts in their chosen field. But what about the other field? How about skills per se? Also, intelligence isn’t always enough. We need wisdom to back us up. But how do we measure wisdom after all? Would we able to know who is the wisest?

3. One can never always be happy neither does one can never be always sad.
Time. There is a time for everything and feelings are temporary. What we feel today may probably be gone tomorrow.

4. One can never will all the time neither does one can never always lose.
We can’t. Winning isn’t about winning the battle but learning is. Learning is what we gain either if we win or lose. If we keep on winning all the time, then what did we gain… just the title and a little more pride? Life isn’t a contest in the first place and hell no, the world isn’t a battlefield.

4. It is impossible for a person to had never told a single lie in his/her entire life.
Admit it. We lied even the whitest lies they can ever be. Actually, this may be famous to a scenario in which you’re feeling bad, hurt or  depressed and somebody asks if you’re ok and you simply say I’M OK which you know you’re not.

5. One can never always have what he/she wants.
That’s just the way it is. But the main problem is that people always want what they don’t have. Some part of us keep being uncontented on our subconscious minds.

6. One can never find peace without forgiveness.
We can’t let go of something if we keep on holding on to it –just like anger. If we keep being mad at a person or a situation, where is our peace there? We’re always gonna be troubled by that same anger. Forgive and take the poison out of your system may it be anger, hurt, envy and all those eating the good inside you.

7. It is impossible for a person to love without respect.
You just can’t. Love comes with a package and that package has a lot of demands along with it — faith, trust, respect, and so much more than what you can think of right now.

8. One can never win if cheating is his/her process in achieving so.
Cheating is cheating. You can copy someone’s work but in the end, we all know that you may gain all the credit but you gained nothing else. You may possibly know the answer but you don’t know HOW’s and WHY’s behind it.

Maya’s Turn: I Think I Lost Her

I found this on my old blog. This may be over a year ago but I love going back to blog entries I have written because it helps me know more about myself — how and why I am like this, how I think, how I build my dreams now. It also helps me learn things over and over again just to make sure I really did learn those things. Haha! Here it goes…

I never knew that she walked out on me until recently I find myself looking for her. I keep on finding her every other time because somehow and somewhere in my mind, part of me knew she existed. It wasn’t a dream. There goes flashbacks right in front of me. Scenes so vague and beautiful, so light and cheerful, contented and no longingness for something. I know her and I know she was there, she existed.

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? I think I lost myself more than three years now. This is not the typical story of being lost – finding yourself, what you really want, etc. Not that one. I’m considering that maybe I didn’t lose myself. Probably, forgotten was the better word for that. Yes, forgotten.

I forgot who I am. I forgot what it is like to be me. I saw my plurk account yesterday. It was so random. I have nothing to do. So I searched for my older accounts. I saw my old blogs, my friendster, my myspace, my multiply. I was totally different, I think? From my old blogs, the way I think and see things – it was almost the same now but somehow I am sure I am wiser. Maybe it was with HOW I deal with stuff. How I am a happy-go-lucky-thankful-blessed-fun girl who talks to anyone and friends with everyone. Everything was real and true. Everything was light.  Myself, my environment, the people around me, the responsibilities and work I am taking. Somehow, I missed that girl in me. I don’t know where did she go. I think I lost her.

Maybe because I lost myself in giving everything to the ones important to me, to the one I love, to her specifically. That when you love, you have given everything you can give and everything that you can’t. It is when I realized that I had lived her life in her world and not mine. It is when I made friends with her friends and not find my own sets of friends. It was when I pressured myself to dream her dream and not mine. I tried to fit myself when I shouldn’t even tried in the first place. It was then I forgot who I was. And that was too much. I didn’t even realize it until the day I was left alone.

I miss her – that girl who used to be me. I don’t know where to start but I want her back so badly. I don’t know how to pick myself up. And I want to go to the ways things were before everything had happened or at least to who I was before everything fell apart.

 

Working With A Half-Hearted

It is never a good idea to work with a half-hearted.

I am the type of person who couldn’t be questioned about my responsibility. Why? Cause people know I know my priorities and they know I do them on a perfect timing. They can leave any work or damage to me and I can end up waving it with flying colors. Even if I don’t want to, if that’s my responsibility or even if it’s not actually, I will get it done. That’s me.

I have these consecutive conversations with my sister. I was trying to get her to help me in making money. I have lots of plans. I can’t stop thinking of options to get an income. That was me. But everytime I talk to her, it will always start good and always end up with a question mark. When we get to details, she keeps on asking questions as if the things we talked about is out of reach and too impossible to be done. I asked her to find venues for the recital of our school and told her to finish it in a week. She extended her due date but in the end, I still don’t have the details.

I don’t like to brag but I could’ve done it by myself and finished everything in a week — every detail I need in only a week. But she didn’t. She just canvassed prices. She haven’t even sent the letter of intent to the venue we are targetting. She doesn’t know if the venue is available at our target date. I am pissed. I am pissed somehow because I could’ve done better. If only I can do everything all at once but I can’t. I have lots on my table and I can’t do it alone.

Everybody needs somebody. And I don’t want to be that somebody who pushes anyone who wants to be let in my life. I can’t be secure enough only to myself because I only trust myself. No! I can’t be that person so I keep trying. I keep trying to share tasks and responsibilities but most of the time I get frustrated on results. I try to be patient. I try not to comment and just let it pass but sometimes being still human, I can be pissed to.

I would gladly give all my time for a favor a friend asked me to do. I would give my whole heart in that work even if I don’t want to because I give importance to people and I weigh the importance of the task for the people who asked for it. But see, that’s the thing, that’s only me and my day would be ruined if I keep comparing others from me and I’m not perfect… I do stupid things too. I can’t judge people on how they handle their responsibilities but maybe just a part of me is longing for an equal in my work.

Have you ever worked with a half-hearted? It isn’t fair, right? If they don’t want to, why say yes in the first place? It would also be a torture for them doing what they don’t want to do.

When Normal Isn’t Right And Right Isn’t Normal

RIGHT. adj. being in accordance to what is just, good or proper.

NORMAL. adj. 1) according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule or principle 2) conforming to a type, standard or pattern.

Nowadays, people misconstrue the meaning of RIGHT with NORMAL. When people reason out things by saying that it’s normal, that doesn’t mean it’s right. How can you say that a man having an affair with another woman is just normal when if it’s the other way around, people will just take it the hard way? How can Filipinos stubbornly pee on walls on the street and they actually care less because it’s just normal? And why do these people getaway with it just because they say it’s normal?

Normal isn’t always right. Does right have a different meaning today compared to the 19th century? I think it’s still the same. When it’s right, it’s right. When it’s wrong, DUDE.. GROW UP.

***I got this from my old blog. This is one of my favorite entries and I can’t resist sharing this here.