This World Needs Healing

Ok, maybe not that rich or not even rich. Maybe having enough is fine with me. Enough meaning we can pay our bills on time without killing ourselves on work, having our own house, having our own car, having a stable business & career, having emergency funds and savings.

So when I reach that point in my life (and I will), I want to do the following things:

1. TEACH STREET CHILDREN FOR FREE. I’ll coordinate with barangay chairmans & different churches. I’ll get my musician friends to help me teach and we’ll get sponsors. It would be a great opportunity for them to appreciate music and for them to be far away from drugs and other violence on the streets.

2. Buy a lot of rain coats and during rainy season, go around the streets and give it away to people who needs them. We’ve been to a stage where we almost lost our hope but people (especially our friends — yes, more than our family) helped us and I couldn’t express how thankful I am for them. So I promised myself that I will never their help for granted and do the same thing to others. Manila streets are not ready for a rainy season. Even those with houses are not prepared. Beggars don’t have any shelter. They use cardboards so that they won’t get wet. At least with raincoats, they are somehow protected.

3. Go to the HOME FOR THE AGED regularly — tell stories, sing and perform with them, play majong and cards and many more. I love older people but sometimes I feel that some children don’t show their appreciation that much to them. They have a few years to live and I want to give them good memories. It hurts me to see them lonely, unappreciated and unwanted.

These are my TOP 3. I know in time I’ll have a longer list. I hope I can have the chance to do these things especially while I am still young. 

I know papa God will guide me in this life. I won’t make money be my hindrance in doing these things. I will work hard so that my family could have enough. When we have enough, it would be our time to give back.

This world needs healing. Soon everything will set in to place.

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Letting Go & Moving On

My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.

I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more  regular heartbreaks.

This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.

I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.

Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.

To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.