My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.
I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more regular heartbreaks.
This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.
I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.
Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.
To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.
My mom and sister had a fight (almost) earlier. Long story. But I gotta say, I’m just really tired being the bridge of this family. It’s like I need to fix everything. It’s not that I don’t want to help but they are grown ups. They can fix their fights all on their own. Mom rants to me. Sister rants to me. Repeat 100x. And it’s not always them. Sometimes it’s my dad and mom. Sometimes my sister and my dad. Ugh. I love them. I don’t want them fighting. I don’t want them misinterprenting everything they say or do to each other. It ruins the relationship. I don’t want that. Can I ever get out of it? I have my own life too.
I know we don’t need to always read between lines but sometimes we need to. People may not always mean what they say. They struggle for words too. Sometimes they say things according to what they feel at the moment but feelings are temporary. Happiness won’t last forever and so as anger. We also can not always rely for bridges/messengers to fix things for us. They have their own lives to live. We can not always depend on other people to fix relationships. We need to communicate on our own to the people we had conflict with and we need to be open. We can never be right all the time and we can never be wrong all the time. It’s not always what you think that matters. There are always other sides to consider.
It is never a good idea to work with a half-hearted.
I am the type of person who couldn’t be questioned about my responsibility. Why? Cause people know I know my priorities and they know I do them on a perfect timing. They can leave any work or damage to me and I can end up waving it with flying colors. Even if I don’t want to, if that’s my responsibility or even if it’s not actually, I will get it done. That’s me.
I have these consecutive conversations with my sister. I was trying to get her to help me in making money. I have lots of plans. I can’t stop thinking of options to get an income. That was me. But everytime I talk to her, it will always start good and always end up with a question mark. When we get to details, she keeps on asking questions as if the things we talked about is out of reach and too impossible to be done. I asked her to find venues for the recital of our school and told her to finish it in a week. She extended her due date but in the end, I still don’t have the details.
I don’t like to brag but I could’ve done it by myself and finished everything in a week — every detail I need in only a week. But she didn’t. She just canvassed prices. She haven’t even sent the letter of intent to the venue we are targetting. She doesn’t know if the venue is available at our target date. I am pissed. I am pissed somehow because I could’ve done better. If only I can do everything all at once but I can’t. I have lots on my table and I can’t do it alone.
Everybody needs somebody. And I don’t want to be that somebody who pushes anyone who wants to be let in my life. I can’t be secure enough only to myself because I only trust myself. No! I can’t be that person so I keep trying. I keep trying to share tasks and responsibilities but most of the time I get frustrated on results. I try to be patient. I try not to comment and just let it pass but sometimes being still human, I can be pissed to.
I would gladly give all my time for a favor a friend asked me to do. I would give my whole heart in that work even if I don’t want to because I give importance to people and I weigh the importance of the task for the people who asked for it. But see, that’s the thing, that’s only me and my day would be ruined if I keep comparing others from me and I’m not perfect… I do stupid things too. I can’t judge people on how they handle their responsibilities but maybe just a part of me is longing for an equal in my work.
Have you ever worked with a half-hearted? It isn’t fair, right? If they don’t want to, why say yes in the first place? It would also be a torture for them doing what they don’t want to do.