Sleep

I haven’t written in a while. Probably because I don’t like anyone to know what has been happening to me – nothing much actually. For the past few years (especially a few months ago), I feel like I have this dark over me everywhere I go. Anytime it can rain on me or the feeling that goes with it.

I’m seeing the sun. Everything is the same but not me. I don’t know how I feel. Or maybe I grew numb already. I’m actually tired of feeling.

Happiness. Where was the authenticy of this? I get to smile. I get to laugh. But I don’t think I’m really happy.

I get to get up everyday, do my job, hangout with my friends but I don’t feel any excitement at anything at all. I’m not looking forward to anything. I don’t know what I want anymore.

The past month, I’ve been feeling this feeling more and more. I even drank pills just to let me sleep. I took it for a week. It helped me calm down and sleep. The weeks followed and all I wanted to sleep.

I don’t know. Maybe in sleeping, even if I do have nightmares, I know it’s not real. I get to escape reality.

My life has been lame. My stories are the same. My problems are the same (and sometimes getting worse). I stopped talking to my friends about my problems. Why? Even my ears don’t want to listen to it anymore.

I wanted a new chapter but everytime I go unto the next, it’s always the same. When do I go forward? I always try. I know I have been trying hard. But I’m also tired. So tired that sometimes I don’t want to wake up anymore. 😔

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Am I Procrastinating?

Oh, this is one of the questions that I never want to answer but maybe I am. Am I?

I’m currently in this situation that I need to work harder as a musical director (at our music tutorial center) and do some other business which I can get money from. My dad isn’t working, my mom doesn’t have enough income and my sister is graduating. That leads to me providing for my family. Appently being the musical director and an instructor (violin, drums, guitar and ukulele) can’t pay all the bills since my dad had stroke. So I me and my guy bestfriend decided to do a business – a t-shirt business. Oh wait, there’s more. Me and my bandmate decided to make productions and produce gigs for local and foreign artists. So that’s a total of 3 things I need to work on. But under those 3 are branches of list that I need to finish.

As a musical director (I am actually acting as the overall director), I do the marketing, meetings to clients and business partners. I do the teaching – I make the curriculum, modules and lesson plans. I study, arrange and write the students need to play and usually this is for quartets, ensembles and ensembles. I also do the financing and computing of all the money in and out. And even the posters and flyers – I design and edit them. Oh, and I handle all the networking sites of the school. Yes, I am superwoman.

For the t-shirt business, I need to canvass a lot of stuff – from different wholesalers of shirts to machines. I need to study costing and make designs!!!

For the production – this is actually exciting!!! Hihi. I’m good with handling events. I think I’m that person who likes everything organized much more if I am the one in charge. So I have no problem with this but…. same as the t-shirt business, we still need to do canvass the perfect venues, talk to artists and technicians and all other stuff like that.

So where’s the procrastinating part? I know there’s a long to-do list on my paper but I slept the whole day. Scratch that. Not whole day. But I sang and played. I even started to make the music of my original composition (see previous post). Maybe I was really so tired for the past months since my dad got sick. I’m really longing for a break but then I still can’t because if I stop, no one can pay the bills. Or I know what I want to do, it’s I just can’t… for now.