Every deed, good or bad, is a chain reaction.

I woke up late this morning. I have a student to go to at 10:30. I got a cab at 10:30am. Haha! So… really really late. When I got in the cab, the driver said that he just needs to charge gas before he takes me to my destination. I don’t really have a choice but to let him. It took us 10 minutes to finish. The mom of my student also texted me that she forgot to cancel her son’s violin lesson. My next class would be at 1pm. I have so many time to waste. After that and after passing by 4 to 5 blocks, the engine stopped —- AAAAAAH!!! WHAT A GEAT DAY AHEAD!!!! I’m still so sleepy and I have a marathon of classes. I wasn’t really pissed but I was panicking deep inside. The weather is hot and I don’t want to blame anyone with my stress. So I told the cab driver that I’ll just find another
cab. I paid him php70.

After that, I kinda reflected. I was wondering why I wasn’t hard headed and didn’t get angry with the driver. I realized that it would be useless. I should feel what I felt for him which is pity. If I did got angry with him, we will just fighting for hours and I would have a bad day — and definitely be eating a lot for lunch to get out all the stress. And for him, he might be pissed all throughout the day because his cab is broken, he needs to pay the tow truck, he needs to fix the car and pay for it, it might not be able to be fixed within the day and he might not be able to earn money within the day, he will be pissed because he won’t have anything to give when he gets home to his family, he might be covering up his frustrations with anger and blame everything to his wife. I’m kind of assuming and exaggerating here but who knows?

A fight in the morning can ruin your whole day. I gave him money even if he wasn’t able to take me to my student’s house… it’s the least that I can do. What is php70 right? Who knows what will happen to the rest of his day but maybe he’ll be thankful that I wasn’t pissed at him.

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Failures and Yehey’s

I achieved a lot today. Mmm. Well after I woke up late, I did a super duper ninja moves and speed-like-flash moves. Yes, that’s right, I’m awesome like that. Ha! Ha! I was actually late in everything that I scheduled today.

Fail # 1: There was supposedly a play that we are going to watch at 10 in the morning but I woke up at 9:59am. Since the play would last for 2 hours, I tried to catch it and ended up at least watching it. Not bad, eh?

Fail # 2: I scheduled a band practice for my students at 3pm and I have to pick them up somewhere at 2:30pm. I’m right on schedule cause the play ended pass 12nn. But my friend had to take her exam and I need to pay her for the tickets. Let’s keep this a secret… I think I have an super duper tiny gay crush on her. So I waited for her but she came at 3pm already. And guess what, I was late 1 and a half hours for my class. Zzz. I’m not that bad you know. There band practice was really free of charge. Why am I explaining myself? Hahaha! :))

Regardless of my failures due to my tardiness today, I really had a great time.

Yehey #1: I had lunch with Benjo today – one of my closest friends. He gave me a tour around taft but he ended up surprised because of the new establishments around. We ate isaw! Gosh! I was craving for that in months!

Yehey # 2: Cheska, my friend who’s with me at the play (ex classmate in theater) and was late for me to give her the tickets… had an awesome bonding, chit chat about random stuff. Well of course, we bonded at the train. Her parents are super strict. She bribed me with a stored value ticket for the train. Who does that? Hahaha! I’d go for food!

Yehey # 3: I just loved my students! They were my students since they were in grade 2. Now they’re in high school. I literally watched them grow. My babies are not babies anymore! We talk boys already! They are really talented and I love teaching them. I like that I am the reason why they learned how to play the violin and now they’re playing in a band. I am really so proud of them.

Turns out, I had a great day after all! 🙂

The Silly Thinking Of Me

I suddenly have this urge to play the guitar again. I missed it. After 2 or 3 years of running away from it, I miss it and I miss it so bad. It’s like a drug that I haven’t gotten in a while and it’s right here in front of me. It’s just the feels – more like I am longing for it and I want to be one with it.

I was so afraid. I played the classical guitar when I was at the conservatory. I fell in love with it – so with the people around it. Life there was practice, practice, practice then perform… repeat all throughout the school year. But things changed and it suddenly became a bad memory.

I have this fear that I brought everywhere I go. I can’t even get my guitar out of my case, more so playing it. Cause when I do, flashbacks hit me like nuclear canons, bombs, guns, knives that strike directly to my heart… and I feel the pain all over again. It sounds so melodramatic. Well, don’t judge because it hit me big time.

Through my escape, I tried lots of different stuff. But to tell frankly, I can getaway far enough from music. So first, I composed (bad memories can be a great source for original compositions). Second, I found myself composing and singing with a band – which I didn’t have for a long time. Third, I indulged myself and tried ukulele but don’t get me wrong, I met a lot of great people in an awesome community but sometimes I look for something deeper. Lastly, I tried going back to theater. It did brought me joyous moments and gave me a fresh start – awesome new found friends and mentors. In between those steps, I keep handling and teaching our music school. Yes, that’s the moving on me.

But lately, I find myself longing for it. Playing and practicing for hours, days and restless nights. My fingers long for the numbness and hardness of the callouses on my left hand. On my rifght, the long finger nails that is carefully shapes by a sand paper. I miss the addictive way of analyzing pieces and overthinking how it should be played. I miss criticizing every tone I make.

I miss it so bad but I think I still can’t go back. It’s weird that what I do now is play and play the guitar. I keep on arranging songs and make it an instrumental – close enough that I can get to classical music.

Will I ever go back? Can I ever handle going back? Because once I do, I think I am risking myself to be screwed all over again and my heart says enough and my heart wants more of it. Half of a half? A quarter of a half? I don’t know who wins the battle against this silly thinking of me.