I was browsing through my Facebook feed a while a go and saw an old video of John Mayer’s live acoustic performance of “Your Body is a Wonderland”. Nothing much to expect. It was just a random old song released when I was in high school – but it left me feeling comfort. It was a nice feeling that I haven’t felt for a while now.
Your Body is a Wonderland (Acoustic Live Performance) by John Mayer
It left me realizing and pondering on a few things.
First, most of us like the songs better when we were younger. It’s not that music nowadays are less appealing to the ears but it’s probably because we linger to our innocent and less stressful stage – hence, our youth and/or childhood. When we listen to the old songs, consciously and unconsciously, we are probably reminded of how things were easier and carefree.
Second made me ponder how music is related to a person’s growth. Notice that every album of an artist or band slightly changes every new release. When you compare the 1st and the 5th album, sometimes it’s hard to tell that they are the same artist or band. Just like John Mayer’s Your Body is a Wonderland from his album Room for Squares (which is my favorite album by the way lol), sounds totally different from his latest release entitled New Light. Artists and bands adapt to the evolution of music which is clinging to techno most of the time. Paramore does not sound rock anymore, right?
This made me think how I (most of the time) love only the first 2 albums of a band. This also made me compare it to people. Do we only like them when we first met them? Do we only like a few months of them? Once they grow into a whole new character, do we grow into loving them?
Little things and little thoughts made me post again. It feels nice to write here again as if I am on my way back to where I started. Hope you can join me here as I try to be back on track this year! Happy new year, everyone! We’ll make this year ours! 🙂
I haven’t written in a while. Probably because I don’t like anyone to know what has been happening to me – nothing much actually. For the past few years (especially a few months ago), I feel like I have this dark over me everywhere I go. Anytime it can rain on me or the feeling that goes with it.
I’m seeing the sun. Everything is the same but not me. I don’t know how I feel. Or maybe I grew numb already. I’m actually tired of feeling.
Happiness. Where was the authenticy of this? I get to smile. I get to laugh. But I don’t think I’m really happy.
I get to get up everyday, do my job, hangout with my friends but I don’t feel any excitement at anything at all. I’m not looking forward to anything. I don’t know what I want anymore.
The past month, I’ve been feeling this feeling more and more. I even drank pills just to let me sleep. I took it for a week. It helped me calm down and sleep. The weeks followed and all I wanted to sleep.
I don’t know. Maybe in sleeping, even if I do have nightmares, I know it’s not real. I get to escape reality.
My life has been lame. My stories are the same. My problems are the same (and sometimes getting worse). I stopped talking to my friends about my problems. Why? Even my ears don’t want to listen to it anymore.
I wanted a new chapter but everytime I go unto the next, it’s always the same. When do I go forward? I always try. I know I have been trying hard. But I’m also tired. So tired that sometimes I don’t want to wake up anymore. 😔
It’s been a long time since I felt something deep. I’m not saying I have feelings for someone right now. Don’t get me wrong. But lately, after all the things that had happened, I finally started feeling again. Feeling in a sense that romantic movies can move me again, I started writing songs again – made a few parts only but then again, at least I started. Right?
This is so unusual for me. I don’t know if that’s the exact word but mmm.. let’s just say I aleady forgot what it feels like. To be loved and to get hurt by someone you love. I guess I both like the feeling in a sense that it’s deep and it makes me strong and weak at the same time. It makes me feel I am human.
I was watching season 2 of Gossip Girl (yeah, so not me haha). That episode where Dan and Serena were in an elevator and finally decided to end things even if they still have feelings for each other? Yeah, that made my heart melt. It hurts and I like how it feels.
Maybe because I’m an artist? I am a musician and a self-proclaimed songwriter. I like it when I feel. I like the way I can let it out through my writing. I like the way I write even if it’s on other people’s point of view.
The small and big things around me, passing through, staying and leaving, hurting me, making me shout for joy… whatever it is I like it. I am in love with life. From what can make you to what can break you down. I like the way I feel. It makes me feel alive.
It’s easier to like what we don’t have.
I don’t like to generalize but I just realized this. A few years ago I was so pre-occupied with work and taking care of my family. I was working day and night to pay bills especially my dad’s medication. I was longing for my time. I keep on pushing myself to work harder because I know in the end, it pays off. There goes my time. My time to reach my dreams.
I don’t know how I did it but I wrote and composed a lot of songs in a span of 3 years. Well, the first year was because my ex broke up with me. But I was busy for the last 2 years. I don’t even know what or who my inspiration was. I just hold on to the thought that i need to make time for myself. No matter how short it was, I need to sing, play and write music. I won’t let anything get in the way. I won’t let our family problems stop me from making music. So I did.
Since my dad passed away, I hate to admit it, but our life was better and lighter. I don’t need to work too much because we have lesser bills to pay. I have a lot of time in the world. I have more than enough. I haven’t written anything since then. Blank. Everything is blank.
I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s just the thrill and the excitement? Cause I can’t have it back then, I was motivated to reach my dreams. Come to think of it, everything is falling in to their places. All I need to do is to take a step forward and yet I’m not doing it. No hindrance at all. I wonder why.
Do you think it’s the same with relationships? How come we always here issues regarding third parties? Are people just bored? So they just prefer excitement once in a while? What’s this thing that they say about guys? Like they like girls better when they’re hard to get? Well, I think that goes to the girls also. Who would want an easy to get? Mmm.
My dad passed away a week ago. For the first time in my life, I don’t know what to say nor write. I could’ve written a song even without words. Just the perfect melody to release even just a bit of the pain I am feeling. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m hurt. I should be. But I mostly feel blank. Nothing. Maybe I don’t want to feel.
I don’t know how to cope with this. I don’t know how to move on with this. I don’t even know how to escape this. Everytime I think about it I feel a big hole in my heart. This is far worse from a broken heart. Thinking about it, I think I could’ve handled ten times more regular heartbreaks.
This make me sick. I just want to lay down, sleep and let my bed eat me. I tried catching up with a few episodes of some series and guess what, even vampire diaries reminded me of my father’s death. They tell me to go out of town and pamper myself… I just couldn’t do it. I feel that it would be more of an escape. I want to go through it but I feel that my heart rejects the feeling because this is too much.
I can go back to work anytime and stress my self out on a full load again but I have no drive. I realized that my father was the reason my I keep on pushing. Just to pay his medicines, oxygen tanks, herbal supplements and hospitalization. Now I keep on asking WHY. Why do I still need to push myself with work? I can pay my bills without pushing too much. This is stupid. I keep on asking but I know I have the answers. I need to. I still need to push because I want everything for my mom and my sister. I just feel blank.
Songwriting may be a distraction. I started asking a couple of my friends to form a band with me. Maybe I just need to perform or whatever. Hope that works.
To my readers, whatever your religion is , please pray for me. I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like this stage I’m going through. I don’t want an escape. If you have been reading my posts, you know that this isn’t my thing. I’m very optimistic and I know I am a fighter. Please pray for my sister and my mom too. We need this badly.
Is it really possible that we constantly change? I mean we adapt to different situations but somehow it struck us one way or the other, right?
This I question because somehow I felt that I changed… well I think I do. Sometimes I feel like I am the better me, sometimes I am lost. I haven’t written or posted anything for months except the entry before this. I think I forgot to write. I don’t know what to write. There was a point in my life that there’s just too many thoughts, reflections and realizations everyday. And it just pops out of my head to a point that I needed to write it right away cause I might forget.
Now, I don’t know what to write about. I wanted to blog again but I don’t want to tell a story about my day cause it’s boring. I don’t want to brag about my problems cause it’s not healthy and I’m handling it anyway. I wanted to write about my recent experience on working with a film company here in the Philippines, got to meet movie actors but nah… I wanted to find those random thoughts I used to write about, wisdom I get from every problem, Reflections and positive outlook in life but where is it now?
Have I changed? Or was I just pre occupied? I wanted that part of myself back. I love those posts and I still want to inspire a lot of readers. How cab I be inspired? What do I do?
Ignorance keep calling out my name
Tellin’ everyone that I’m the one to blame
But honey, she was wrong
I didn’t do anything at all.
Hard head, can’t feel anything
Turn the lights on, my vision has turned to gray
Soft lips, a dark chocolate kiss
Time’s up, say your goodbyes
Oh this feels so good
Oh I never wanted this
But oh it this is so damn good
Uh-oh I’m afraid to let you know
Uh-oh I’m afraid I like it so
Uh-oh no, no, no, no
Uh-oh no, no, no, no
Ignorance keep calling my name
Tellin’ everyone that I’m the one to blame
This is, isn’t is, isn’t what it is
I never felt that soft gentle lips
This is, isn’t is, isn’t what it is
I never tasted that sweet dark chocolate kiss