Tag Archives: thoughts

Hot or Cold?

If you scroll down, you would see one of my previous posts entitled A BUCKET OF RAIN which is a blog entry about me longing for a rainy weather because summer is too damn hot. But now I wanted to rant about the rain.

Here in the Philippines, June to November is the rainy season. Uhm, No. STORMY SEASON. We usually have more than a dozen storms a year leaving so manu damages. Floods everywhere, tress fell down, flying roofs, no electricity, no water and the minimum death toll is approxumately 10. Now, why would I want that?

I guess what I am trying to say is that sometimes we can never be contented. If it’s hot, we want it cold and vice versa. And this isn’t only about the weather. More often than not, we long for and focus more on what we don’t have. It’s sad to know this but at the same time, it’s a struggle to be contented all the time. Right?

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The Truth About Forgiveness

The truth about forgiveness is that if you forgive someone, it doesn’t mean the following:

1. that they are sorry.
2. that they won’t do it again.
3. that they’ll be better than before.

The thing is that we have to live with that. We can’t control everyone and definitely can’t dictate others what to do cause they have their own lives to live and own decisions to make.

We forgive because it’s the right thing to do. We forgive to make peace with somebody and find peace with ourselves. We forgive so that we could let go and move on. If we hold grudges then we will always be stuck on the same page.

Maya’s Turn: I Think I Lost Her

I found this on my old blog. This may be over a year ago but I love going back to blog entries I have written because it helps me know more about myself — how and why I am like this, how I think, how I build my dreams now. It also helps me learn things over and over again just to make sure I really did learn those things. Haha! Here it goes…

I never knew that she walked out on me until recently I find myself looking for her. I keep on finding her every other time because somehow and somewhere in my mind, part of me knew she existed. It wasn’t a dream. There goes flashbacks right in front of me. Scenes so vague and beautiful, so light and cheerful, contented and no longingness for something. I know her and I know she was there, she existed.

Have you ever had that feeling of being lost? I think I lost myself more than three years now. This is not the typical story of being lost – finding yourself, what you really want, etc. Not that one. I’m considering that maybe I didn’t lose myself. Probably, forgotten was the better word for that. Yes, forgotten.

I forgot who I am. I forgot what it is like to be me. I saw my plurk account yesterday. It was so random. I have nothing to do. So I searched for my older accounts. I saw my old blogs, my friendster, my myspace, my multiply. I was totally different, I think? From my old blogs, the way I think and see things – it was almost the same now but somehow I am sure I am wiser. Maybe it was with HOW I deal with stuff. How I am a happy-go-lucky-thankful-blessed-fun girl who talks to anyone and friends with everyone. Everything was real and true. Everything was light.  Myself, my environment, the people around me, the responsibilities and work I am taking. Somehow, I missed that girl in me. I don’t know where did she go. I think I lost her.

Maybe because I lost myself in giving everything to the ones important to me, to the one I love, to her specifically. That when you love, you have given everything you can give and everything that you can’t. It is when I realized that I had lived her life in her world and not mine. It is when I made friends with her friends and not find my own sets of friends. It was when I pressured myself to dream her dream and not mine. I tried to fit myself when I shouldn’t even tried in the first place. It was then I forgot who I was. And that was too much. I didn’t even realize it until the day I was left alone.

I miss her – that girl who used to be me. I don’t know where to start but I want her back so badly. I don’t know how to pick myself up. And I want to go to the ways things were before everything had happened or at least to who I was before everything fell apart.

 

Love Is Easy

Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. Real love is simple, everyday kind of thing. A smile, a hug, an encouragement. Continuous love without effort. –

-MFG

I recently opened an app on facebook. It’s called Message From God. Yes, people make these and somewhat share thoughts and advise to people. Maybe you can say that it is quite similar to WHAT WOULD JESUS DO. Or for non Christians more like a message from a fortune cookie or a horoscope I guess.

So there, the message above is the one I got. It made me reflect and agree to it. LOVE IS EASY.

We make it complicated. We make it hard to understand. We make it unreachable. We make it as if it is a big goal to achieve. But love is here and in everything.

You can get it with a smile, a touch, a tap on the back, a hug or a kiss. Love is a Hi or Hello from a friend or a stranger. Love is a sorry from your enemies. Love is respect for the elders. Love is a passion for your art.

Love is simple and it is not painful if and only if we love selflessly.

The only hindrance of love is to think too much of ourselves — to love and to ask for something in return, to love but to set limits, to love but don’t share happiness.

Eunice’s Heart

One of the great things you can ever witness in this life is people’s passion. Seeing one perfome live with all her heart and see how much she enjoys it can move a a thousand.

Recently, I discovered this local OPM rock band named Gracenote. I don’t watch tv nor listen to the radio. Apparently, they’re famous here in the Philippines and I don’t know them. Well, that’s me. I most prolly prefer the indie scene soul, techno, jazz, dream pop, etc. They sound more like a combination of Paramore, Yellowcard, No Doubt and Sum 41 combined. But here they are scattered all over youtube and I can’t stop watching their videos especially their vocalist, Eunice Jorge.

Eunice also plays the violin, guitar, piano and drums. She’s no poser. I swear I would know. She’s really great. She plays classical and so as rock. She reminds me of who I might have become if I am not taking too much responsibility at home and in our music school. If I had made time for what I want and search for inspirations just anywhere in town… I could’ve been singing or playing my heart out just they she does it now. The way she sings, it’s so energetic. You can see how much she enjoys every inch of music around her — may it be their compo, a cover or even classical.

She’s taking me back to the conservatory I guess. For all the reasons I left and never want to come back, she’s flipping it back. She’s making me think that they are a lot of possible things which I didn’t see and I never thought I could see anymore. I hated school. I got turned off with classical music and the peoplr around it because of what I experienced. It was so hard for me to even listen to it more so play it. I turned my back to everything related to classical.

But there she is with her band, all studied classical music (I think) and I can feel their passion even with simply hearing them. No limitations, no judgements of different genres. They are open to everything and they enjoy every sense of music in here possible.

I can’t stop listening to them. I can’t stop watching their videos on youtube. It makes me idle for a while but it keeps me thinking WHAT’S THIS FOR? WHAT AM I GOING TO DO? I know I don’t need to make a decision on wether or not I’ll go back to the conservatory but I want what they do or maybe I just want to enjoy music as they do — no complications and just for the love of it. I still want to continue writing compositions and I still want my band to play more gigs.

It’s the heart. That’s where you can see right through every person. That’s where you’ll see there passion and we can never be blinded by it but only INSPIRED.

But thank you, whatever it that you do, your passion it hit me hard (in a good way of course), thank you Eunice! Thank you Gracenote!

Inspirations That I Don’t Want To Be

If someone would ask me to name my  inspirations, I can’t. I don’t know why but I have no one. I don’t have a role model to look up to. Is that weird? Well, mmm. When it comes to musicians, I can name a few but it would still be not up to the point that I like everything about them and everything they do. It would be just limited to their music, compositions and how they play or sing. Other than that, none. When it comes to values, none.

You know what I do? I actually have a list (well not really written) of people that I don’t want to be. It would really sound mean but I do have them. I keep in my mind the attidudes, mistakes and decisions that I don’t ever wanna make.   If I know someone who is so selfish and takes so much pride, I’d rather be selfless and be humble. If that someone can’t even clean a room, I would prolly be too well to be organized.

I don’t want to be who they are because I can. I am not saying that their full of sh** and they don’t do any good. It’s just that I can focus more on their mistakes and what it has done to them and try not to make the same ones because I know that I can do better if I wanted to.

It’s like in my teaching career, being a guitar/violin/ukulele/drums teacher, I want to be a role model to all my class. I would never ever say bad words in front (never did to anyone) of them because I don’t want them to have a bad mouth. I know someone who speaks and I don’t to be like him especially when in class.

I want to be if not the best, to be good enough for my students. I want them learn everything I know. I’d like to teach them the reason behind everything in theories. I’d like to teach them how it’s properly done. I’d like to teach them what they want to learn. Most of my students enrolled for the lesson because they want to… I want to be the reason why they want to keep playing, learning and love music. I want to answer every question they have in mind. I’d like to make connections with them. I want to be sensitive enough to their needs. I would love to give my full attention. I want them to not be fully dependent on me. I want them to grow. I want them to treat every kind of music, from classical to pop to rnb to rock, equally and with respect.

I want all those things because I never had that kind of teacher in music. When I first had my guitar lesson, I learned nothing for 24 sessions but 2 songs. I don’t know how to play anything else. When I got to conservatory, almost everyone is all about discipline and less fun. They tend to insult pop music and treat classical genre a god. I don’t know but I think I stopped loving music when I got there. It was more like I was inside a box with them saying DO THIS NOT THAT.

I guess when I feel frustrated about something or someone, I realize that I never want to be that frustration or so I can say I will stop the chain of that negative vibe and convert it to a positive one. If I’ve experienced a bad learning environment, I’ll make a better one. I love my students and they keep me going. I got lots of frustrations to people but that is my inspiration. I try to be the best that I can be. I try not to give away same bad experiences I had.

When Normal Isn’t Right And Right Isn’t Normal

RIGHT. adj. being in accordance to what is just, good or proper.

NORMAL. adj. 1) according with, constituting, or not deviating from a norm, rule or principle 2) conforming to a type, standard or pattern.

Nowadays, people misconstrue the meaning of RIGHT with NORMAL. When people reason out things by saying that it’s normal, that doesn’t mean it’s right. How can you say that a man having an affair with another woman is just normal when if it’s the other way around, people will just take it the hard way? How can Filipinos stubbornly pee on walls on the street and they actually care less because it’s just normal? And why do these people getaway with it just because they say it’s normal?

Normal isn’t always right. Does right have a different meaning today compared to the 19th century? I think it’s still the same. When it’s right, it’s right. When it’s wrong, DUDE.. GROW UP.

***I got this from my old blog. This is one of my favorite entries and I can’t resist sharing this here.

Open Wound

I like being moved. I think I don’t have a reason for it but I like it. I like being moved by stories, scenes from movies and/or series, music, and people.

It’s funny because this started about 2 years ago when I think a lost a big part of me over and over. I felt my worst and there is a big hole in my chest too hard to cover up. I felt pain deeply and I was an open wound since then. I don’t cry watching movies but I started to. Every scene I watch, I felt what it felt like for the characters. It’s not on if-you’re-on-their-shoes kinda thing. It was effortless for me and I don’t need to imagine the past for me to feel the pain they felt. Like songs, not the usual of relating to the lyrics but the sometimes I feel the giggles and sometimes the sadness of the music. I was easily moved like my open wound slightly touched by air. It hurts even for a bit. Still, it hurts.

I’m not emo or anything. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’m pretty sure I didn’t take the the short cuts. But I’ve learned to live with pain because we don’t really have a choice somehow. We will encounter it dozens of times in our lives. We don’t need to skip the parts where it hurts. Because if we do, we are denying nature and its process. We won’t stop hurting if we can’t start learning. And we can’t do it on our own.

Feelings are a b*tch. We can’t be selfish enough to open our wounds to somebody else’. If we do, what is there to live for? I’ve learned pain and still doesn’t let me go. It gets lighter each day but it’s still there. I don’t know when will it stop but I know it will.

All of us hurt. Some hurt worse.

I was deeply moved by an episode on Vampire Diaries’ Season 4. A part where they are in the process of lettinh go of the past.

Damon: So what? For how long? A minute? A day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock. With a birthday carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong.

I was moved by the scene. He’s drunk and at the cemetery talking to his dead bestfriend. The pain that consumes him keeping too realistic enough not to grief. It’s hard and I know some had been in the process. I did cry.

I wasn’t a fan of the series and now I am one. Not fond of the hot guys there but the cinematography and most especially the story line. It made me reflect on pain.

Talking To Strangers

I am that person who talks to random strangers I meet in my every day — sales ladies, another customer of the store I am in and cab drivers most especially. I don’t do small talks. I don’t believe in such. I talk to them because I wanted to talk to them and not just because I need to. If I ask them about how their day was, I am interested to know about it — not fake it.

I talk to strangers especially cab drivers. I spend at least a quarter of my day with them and at least an eighth of their day with me. Might as well, waste it right? I just love the fact that I have someone to talk to. I go to different places a day, back and fort, and I can’t keep thinking about work during my travel time. I guess it’s the same thing to them. Probably, a bit more boring than mine because they spend their time on the road more like (well, really) a responsibility and not for leisure.

Talking. It’s a release of whatever emotions or just anything you have inside you. Like for me, if I keep thinking of my to-do list during my me-time, I would blow up like a nuclear bomb. So, I talk to people. Random ones.

Friends can’t always be there physically for you. We all have our own whereabouts and we can’t commit to everything at the same time.

Having a conversation to a lot of strangers are really healthy. Well at least, for me. Talking to them is like having an unlimited access to a wide range of experiences, opinions and advice. You ought to learn different perspectives on life, family, friends, love, work, school, music and a whole lot more.

It’s not just really about the talking but also the listening part. Isn’t nice to know that someone listens to small things that happened to you during your day? The greatest part is, this conversation happens in both ways — in full attention or not, you gained a new thought, noticed a different point of view and learned a new dimension in some itsy bitsy parts of life.