Push

Overfatigue. Cancelled all my classes this afternoon. Feels like I’m always reasoning out but things keep on coming. I’m so tired about everything but I don’t want those things to be reasons for me to give up. My battery is low, my brain is in a chaos, my body needs more than 2 hours of sleep and my tummy needs more than 1 regular meal a day. I’m desperate for prayers. If you are reading this post, please take a minute or two to pray for me and my family. We really need it. Thankful for all my friends who’s always there for me. You know who you guys are. Just like you to know how blessed I am to have you around. Thankful for all our students patient enough to bare with a lot of changes in our school. You’re one of the reasons why I keep on pushing. Thank you! I promise not to quit. #st

What are you willing to risk?

Last night, I got caught up again with the never ending conflict of me building my dreams versus me doing responsibilities for my family (doing work). In my heart, I know that part of me screws up my work because I don’t want to do that anymore. But I can’t stop. If I do, then where will I get money to pay bills? My dream is still in progress. I don’t know exactly what I wanted to do but most probably it is related to music. Song writing, performing, I guess. Main conflict would be I can’t earn money right away if I just perform my compositions. That takes hell a lot of time just to sell myself out to the music industry.

The question hit me. I have no answer yet. But I was wondering if I ask the you the same thing, what would your answer be?

What are you willing to risk in order for your dreams to come true?

Is it your job? Is it time? Is it your relationships around you? Is it the money? Is it your health that you are willing to sacrifice?

If I Had A Normal Life, Would I Still Be Extraordinary?

I am sitting here alone eating lunch at a japanese restaurant. Beside me is the table of a family. I can’t help but to listen to a few conversations. The daughter is asking for her mom to buy her something – her mom said yes. The son is asking advise from her (ate/older sister) – her sister gives advise. Finally, the dad paid the bill.

I envy them a bit. Actually, I’m sort of jealous to normal-functioning-typical families. I get jealous to my students’ family because parents pay for their lessons and every summer they go out of town and vacation. But most of the time, I get jealous when their parents are telling their kids what to do and discipline them. I think I never had that.

So here I am sitting thinking about my stress earlier before I got here – my mom is complaining because I don’t give her money anymore, my dad is pressuring me with things I am handling already. They always wanted too much from me but I don’t see them putting an effort. There is a whole big story about this but basically part of me says that I raised my parents rather than the other way around. There’s too many problems at home to a point that I don’t mind it that much and just go on with my life keeping a positive attitude about it — most especially patients and understanding.

There. I’m longing for that kind. I wanted to be supported in my studies. I want to ask money when I go out. I’d like them to buy me gadgets for my instruments. I don’t want to buy washing machines, refrigerators, coolers. I don’t want to budget our money for the week and I don’t want to worry on how will I make more money the next month. I don’t want my little sister depending so much on me than on them.

But there’s the challenge there. If I got all I wanted from my parents, will I still be me? Would I still be this hard working? Would I still be so patient and understanding to everyone I meet? Would I still be good in budgeting and handling money? Would I still be more concerned to my family and others or will I be thinking of myself only?

I think not. What we have and don’t have is what makes us. Our experiences build us and our goals strengthen us. We can’t cheat life. We can’t skip the harder struggles because we won’t be anything if everything is already given on a silver platter.

Working With A Half-Hearted

It is never a good idea to work with a half-hearted.

I am the type of person who couldn’t be questioned about my responsibility. Why? Cause people know I know my priorities and they know I do them on a perfect timing. They can leave any work or damage to me and I can end up waving it with flying colors. Even if I don’t want to, if that’s my responsibility or even if it’s not actually, I will get it done. That’s me.

I have these consecutive conversations with my sister. I was trying to get her to help me in making money. I have lots of plans. I can’t stop thinking of options to get an income. That was me. But everytime I talk to her, it will always start good and always end up with a question mark. When we get to details, she keeps on asking questions as if the things we talked about is out of reach and too impossible to be done. I asked her to find venues for the recital of our school and told her to finish it in a week. She extended her due date but in the end, I still don’t have the details.

I don’t like to brag but I could’ve done it by myself and finished everything in a week — every detail I need in only a week. But she didn’t. She just canvassed prices. She haven’t even sent the letter of intent to the venue we are targetting. She doesn’t know if the venue is available at our target date. I am pissed. I am pissed somehow because I could’ve done better. If only I can do everything all at once but I can’t. I have lots on my table and I can’t do it alone.

Everybody needs somebody. And I don’t want to be that somebody who pushes anyone who wants to be let in my life. I can’t be secure enough only to myself because I only trust myself. No! I can’t be that person so I keep trying. I keep trying to share tasks and responsibilities but most of the time I get frustrated on results. I try to be patient. I try not to comment and just let it pass but sometimes being still human, I can be pissed to.

I would gladly give all my time for a favor a friend asked me to do. I would give my whole heart in that work even if I don’t want to because I give importance to people and I weigh the importance of the task for the people who asked for it. But see, that’s the thing, that’s only me and my day would be ruined if I keep comparing others from me and I’m not perfect… I do stupid things too. I can’t judge people on how they handle their responsibilities but maybe just a part of me is longing for an equal in my work.

Have you ever worked with a half-hearted? It isn’t fair, right? If they don’t want to, why say yes in the first place? It would also be a torture for them doing what they don’t want to do.

Attack?

Here it is again. It’s like an attack but it doesn’t hurt me. I don’t know exactly how it feels but it’s pushing me towards it and something tells me that I would love to stay there. There. That place without obligations, only to self – to be happy.

Am I missing something? It’s just that I know that what I’m doing is right. And I know I must do what I do –not what I want most –but obligations to family. Somebody needs to take care of them. I’m not saying this like I don’t have a choice. I love them and I’ll do everything for them. If they need me, I wouldn’t think twice to be there for them.

I’m handling our music school now. I’ve accepted to handle a dozen classes and students for home services in different places… Yes, I kinda think I am superwoman and it would be a miracle to accomodate all of them but I need to. I want to. I don’t no one could ever stop me because all I wanted for my family is to be stable financially and not worry if we can eat next week. It’s just that I’m done relying to my parents because I was frustrated more than I can think of. Long story.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my job but it’s not what I want most. I’m not actually sure about what I want most. I haven’t given time for my dreams yet. I don’t even know what my dreams are yet. It was always for them. I dream for them and I am not used to thinking about me.

I like music. I like playing and singing. I like writing songs. I think I am good at it — not sure yet. Ugh. I’m not sure. It’s always like that and I can’t be sure until I give it time to discover, learn, be better at it and share it to people. I think I know what I want but I’m just not sure yet.

This thought takes my mind off my work. I am supposed to write arrangements and pieces for my students (I had a week to do that!) but I  crammed. You know what I did? I wrote songs and place every effort to finish it. In one week, I made 3 songs. Mmm.

Selfish thought: I wish I can just skip until I get to the part where all I do is make music and perform my heart out to people. But I know I couldn’t and I wouldn’t anyway cause that would be cheating and I don’t want to cheat on life. I wouldn’t feel what I need to feel. I wouldn’t think what I need to think. learn what I need to learn. I wouldn’t realize what I need to realize. I wouldn’t grow like how I am supposed to grow.

Curious of what I sound like? Here: Listen to me on SoundCloud! 🙂

Every deed, good or bad, is a chain reaction.

I woke up late this morning. I have a student to go to at 10:30. I got a cab at 10:30am. Haha! So… really really late. When I got in the cab, the driver said that he just needs to charge gas before he takes me to my destination. I don’t really have a choice but to let him. It took us 10 minutes to finish. The mom of my student also texted me that she forgot to cancel her son’s violin lesson. My next class would be at 1pm. I have so many time to waste. After that and after passing by 4 to 5 blocks, the engine stopped —- AAAAAAH!!! WHAT A GEAT DAY AHEAD!!!! I’m still so sleepy and I have a marathon of classes. I wasn’t really pissed but I was panicking deep inside. The weather is hot and I don’t want to blame anyone with my stress. So I told the cab driver that I’ll just find another
cab. I paid him php70.

After that, I kinda reflected. I was wondering why I wasn’t hard headed and didn’t get angry with the driver. I realized that it would be useless. I should feel what I felt for him which is pity. If I did got angry with him, we will just fighting for hours and I would have a bad day — and definitely be eating a lot for lunch to get out all the stress. And for him, he might be pissed all throughout the day because his cab is broken, he needs to pay the tow truck, he needs to fix the car and pay for it, it might not be able to be fixed within the day and he might not be able to earn money within the day, he will be pissed because he won’t have anything to give when he gets home to his family, he might be covering up his frustrations with anger and blame everything to his wife. I’m kind of assuming and exaggerating here but who knows?

A fight in the morning can ruin your whole day. I gave him money even if he wasn’t able to take me to my student’s house… it’s the least that I can do. What is php70 right? Who knows what will happen to the rest of his day but maybe he’ll be thankful that I wasn’t pissed at him.

Small Connections That Mattered

I’m so so sooooo stressed and I won’t elaborate much about it. Why? It sucks. Why would anyone keep herself stressed and be more stressed telling stories about stress. See. That word is a pain to the ears. Haha!

Anyway, I’d really want to blog this since yesterday but I am to tired to do so. I was never aware about my routine in the neighborhood, just my whereabouts. Since I was a kid, I never had friends in our neighborhood because we used to move almost every 2 years. It was more of don’t unwanting to put another effort to adapt to another community every other time.

I was so stressed yesterday and my problems and things to do are fighting over my time slots. I was also dead tired and drained more so because of the hotness of the weather.

But here are the following things that made my day lighter and easier somewhow:

1. FREE RENTAL! I was supposed to download a file from my email at our house but our internet is super duper slow… killed most of my time. So I decided that to avoid more time wasting, I need to rent at the computer shop. The shop was full and I just begged the girl to let me rent right away. It was still slow but yeah, 30 minutes is far better than hours wasting. After downloading, placed myself back to my in-a-hurry-cramming state. I prepared my wallet for the rent and asked for the price. She said it’s free already. OMG! REALLY? Yes, I felt like someone proposed. Haha! It was really touching. Because I go to there shop to print our modules and photocopy my pieces all the time. Most of the computer shops would ask at least php10 for 5 minute usage. It was really sweet. Yey! 🙂

2. A CAB DRIVER TOLD ME TO TAKE CARE AND WAVED AT ME GOODBYE. I don’t have a car and basically taxi is my means of transportation. I seldom ride jeepneys and trains because of my condition (sickness; low blood pressure). I am the type who’s always on the go – goes to one to the other in one day. So, cabs are the answer. I talk to cab drivers a lot. I don’t try hard to make a conversation but I love talking to cab drivers. I talk to them with mostly current events, family and work. I love hearing different opinions and being aware of some things on a different perspective. So yesterday, when I was to go off the cab, the driver said take care like he meant it and waved at me like we’re gonna see each other soon. IT’S SWEET. AM I BEING WIERD NOW?

3. GUARD AT A COFFEE SHOP SAID HELLO! There’s this coffee shop near our house thar I pass by everyday. Actually, it’s my favorite coffee shop. I also hang out there but not recently since I’ve been busy. When I was on my way home, walking, the guard said HELLO MA’AM! like as if I am entering the store (but actually not) and it felt like it was a sincere hello from a friend. IT’S CUTE. It made me smile and replied back. I am really touched by this simple hello. I feel safe and noticed in a way that I wasn’t offended.

4. TRICYCLE DRIVER KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. I’m telling you that this isn’t freaky at all. Before I rode the tricycle I told where my street is then I noticed it stopped without me telling it where to stop. Haha! I think this is cute too! It just made me feel at home. In a sense that I feel secure that people around know me and how I can be.

They know me because I made small connections that mattered… friendship. Friendship with security guards, cab drivers, sales lady and tricycle drivers… they can actually lighten my stress and distract me from over thinking. It made me realize how small things can change your whole day. Who are we to judge?

I love the feeling of having the slightest connection to a not-so-stranger in your everyday life. It’s like jt re-affirms me that I am not a snob nor a bitch. Haha!

Am I Procrastinating?

Oh, this is one of the questions that I never want to answer but maybe I am. Am I?

I’m currently in this situation that I need to work harder as a musical director (at our music tutorial center) and do some other business which I can get money from. My dad isn’t working, my mom doesn’t have enough income and my sister is graduating. That leads to me providing for my family. Appently being the musical director and an instructor (violin, drums, guitar and ukulele) can’t pay all the bills since my dad had stroke. So I me and my guy bestfriend decided to do a business – a t-shirt business. Oh wait, there’s more. Me and my bandmate decided to make productions and produce gigs for local and foreign artists. So that’s a total of 3 things I need to work on. But under those 3 are branches of list that I need to finish.

As a musical director (I am actually acting as the overall director), I do the marketing, meetings to clients and business partners. I do the teaching – I make the curriculum, modules and lesson plans. I study, arrange and write the students need to play and usually this is for quartets, ensembles and ensembles. I also do the financing and computing of all the money in and out. And even the posters and flyers – I design and edit them. Oh, and I handle all the networking sites of the school. Yes, I am superwoman.

For the t-shirt business, I need to canvass a lot of stuff – from different wholesalers of shirts to machines. I need to study costing and make designs!!!

For the production – this is actually exciting!!! Hihi. I’m good with handling events. I think I’m that person who likes everything organized much more if I am the one in charge. So I have no problem with this but…. same as the t-shirt business, we still need to do canvass the perfect venues, talk to artists and technicians and all other stuff like that.

So where’s the procrastinating part? I know there’s a long to-do list on my paper but I slept the whole day. Scratch that. Not whole day. But I sang and played. I even started to make the music of my original composition (see previous post). Maybe I was really so tired for the past months since my dad got sick. I’m really longing for a break but then I still can’t because if I stop, no one can pay the bills. Or I know what I want to do, it’s I just can’t… for now.

Kids are soooooo inquisitive.

Well, I was at our garage doing some work stuff on my laptop. I can’t do it in my room since Elsa (the dog we baby sit) can’t stop making noises if she doesn’t have company. So there I was on our garage working while kids playing outside. I took a break and watched The Vampire Diaries and it is, as of now, my new addiction and of course, while eating some chips. So this little girl came and asked if she could come in. I thought she would play with Elsa but then she sat beside me and watched with me asking so many questions and nagging about the series continuously – What’s that? What is it about? Can have your chips? Who’s he? Vampire? Can I have more chips? Is she his girlfriend? OMG he’s going to kill her! I told you he’ll be inside her house! What happened?… Ha! Ha! Funny! Just as when I was watching the intense part and I can’t concentrate. It also felt really awkward because they are too many violent scenes and and and… making out scenes. LOL!

I want to be annoyed but then it’s too cute. I guess I’m not used to having kids around me except in class when the kids are my students and I feel that I have an authority over them. I find it cute and entertaining. Because lately I was too fond of taking care of my grandma here at home and basically my extra time goes to her. It’s cute! It’s super duper cute! I like being asked no matter how many questions are there to be asked. Repeated questions, common sense questions, irritating questions… I like it. For kids, they’re just too curious about the world around them. For grandmas, well, they tend to forget and there’s a few things to talk about. I guess I can conclude that it doesn’t bother me at all. No harm can be done in asking. Right?