Working With A Half-Hearted

It is never a good idea to work with a half-hearted.

I am the type of person who couldn’t be questioned about my responsibility. Why? Cause people know I know my priorities and they know I do them on a perfect timing. They can leave any work or damage to me and I can end up waving it with flying colors. Even if I don’t want to, if that’s my responsibility or even if it’s not actually, I will get it done. That’s me.

I have these consecutive conversations with my sister. I was trying to get her to help me in making money. I have lots of plans. I can’t stop thinking of options to get an income. That was me. But everytime I talk to her, it will always start good and always end up with a question mark. When we get to details, she keeps on asking questions as if the things we talked about is out of reach and too impossible to be done. I asked her to find venues for the recital of our school and told her to finish it in a week. She extended her due date but in the end, I still don’t have the details.

I don’t like to brag but I could’ve done it by myself and finished everything in a week — every detail I need in only a week. But she didn’t. She just canvassed prices. She haven’t even sent the letter of intent to the venue we are targetting. She doesn’t know if the venue is available at our target date. I am pissed. I am pissed somehow because I could’ve done better. If only I can do everything all at once but I can’t. I have lots on my table and I can’t do it alone.

Everybody needs somebody. And I don’t want to be that somebody who pushes anyone who wants to be let in my life. I can’t be secure enough only to myself because I only trust myself. No! I can’t be that person so I keep trying. I keep trying to share tasks and responsibilities but most of the time I get frustrated on results. I try to be patient. I try not to comment and just let it pass but sometimes being still human, I can be pissed to.

I would gladly give all my time for a favor a friend asked me to do. I would give my whole heart in that work even if I don’t want to because I give importance to people and I weigh the importance of the task for the people who asked for it. But see, that’s the thing, that’s only me and my day would be ruined if I keep comparing others from me and I’m not perfect… I do stupid things too. I can’t judge people on how they handle their responsibilities but maybe just a part of me is longing for an equal in my work.

Have you ever worked with a half-hearted? It isn’t fair, right? If they don’t want to, why say yes in the first place? It would also be a torture for them doing what they don’t want to do.

Attack?

Here it is again. It’s like an attack but it doesn’t hurt me. I don’t know exactly how it feels but it’s pushing me towards it and something tells me that I would love to stay there. There. That place without obligations, only to self – to be happy.

Am I missing something? It’s just that I know that what I’m doing is right. And I know I must do what I do –not what I want most –but obligations to family. Somebody needs to take care of them. I’m not saying this like I don’t have a choice. I love them and I’ll do everything for them. If they need me, I wouldn’t think twice to be there for them.

I’m handling our music school now. I’ve accepted to handle a dozen classes and students for home services in different places… Yes, I kinda think I am superwoman and it would be a miracle to accomodate all of them but I need to. I want to. I don’t no one could ever stop me because all I wanted for my family is to be stable financially and not worry if we can eat next week. It’s just that I’m done relying to my parents because I was frustrated more than I can think of. Long story.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my job but it’s not what I want most. I’m not actually sure about what I want most. I haven’t given time for my dreams yet. I don’t even know what my dreams are yet. It was always for them. I dream for them and I am not used to thinking about me.

I like music. I like playing and singing. I like writing songs. I think I am good at it — not sure yet. Ugh. I’m not sure. It’s always like that and I can’t be sure until I give it time to discover, learn, be better at it and share it to people. I think I know what I want but I’m just not sure yet.

This thought takes my mind off my work. I am supposed to write arrangements and pieces for my students (I had a week to do that!) but I  crammed. You know what I did? I wrote songs and place every effort to finish it. In one week, I made 3 songs. Mmm.

Selfish thought: I wish I can just skip until I get to the part where all I do is make music and perform my heart out to people. But I know I couldn’t and I wouldn’t anyway cause that would be cheating and I don’t want to cheat on life. I wouldn’t feel what I need to feel. I wouldn’t think what I need to think. learn what I need to learn. I wouldn’t realize what I need to realize. I wouldn’t grow like how I am supposed to grow.

Curious of what I sound like? Here: Listen to me on SoundCloud! 🙂

Am I Procrastinating?

Oh, this is one of the questions that I never want to answer but maybe I am. Am I?

I’m currently in this situation that I need to work harder as a musical director (at our music tutorial center) and do some other business which I can get money from. My dad isn’t working, my mom doesn’t have enough income and my sister is graduating. That leads to me providing for my family. Appently being the musical director and an instructor (violin, drums, guitar and ukulele) can’t pay all the bills since my dad had stroke. So I me and my guy bestfriend decided to do a business – a t-shirt business. Oh wait, there’s more. Me and my bandmate decided to make productions and produce gigs for local and foreign artists. So that’s a total of 3 things I need to work on. But under those 3 are branches of list that I need to finish.

As a musical director (I am actually acting as the overall director), I do the marketing, meetings to clients and business partners. I do the teaching – I make the curriculum, modules and lesson plans. I study, arrange and write the students need to play and usually this is for quartets, ensembles and ensembles. I also do the financing and computing of all the money in and out. And even the posters and flyers – I design and edit them. Oh, and I handle all the networking sites of the school. Yes, I am superwoman.

For the t-shirt business, I need to canvass a lot of stuff – from different wholesalers of shirts to machines. I need to study costing and make designs!!!

For the production – this is actually exciting!!! Hihi. I’m good with handling events. I think I’m that person who likes everything organized much more if I am the one in charge. So I have no problem with this but…. same as the t-shirt business, we still need to do canvass the perfect venues, talk to artists and technicians and all other stuff like that.

So where’s the procrastinating part? I know there’s a long to-do list on my paper but I slept the whole day. Scratch that. Not whole day. But I sang and played. I even started to make the music of my original composition (see previous post). Maybe I was really so tired for the past months since my dad got sick. I’m really longing for a break but then I still can’t because if I stop, no one can pay the bills. Or I know what I want to do, it’s I just can’t… for now.