Here it is again. It’s like an attack but it doesn’t hurt me. I don’t know exactly how it feels but it’s pushing me towards it and something tells me that I would love to stay there. There. That place without obligations, only to self – to be happy.
Am I missing something? It’s just that I know that what I’m doing is right. And I know I must do what I do –not what I want most –but obligations to family. Somebody needs to take care of them. I’m not saying this like I don’t have a choice. I love them and I’ll do everything for them. If they need me, I wouldn’t think twice to be there for them.
I’m handling our music school now. I’ve accepted to handle a dozen classes and students for home services in different places… Yes, I kinda think I am superwoman and it would be a miracle to accomodate all of them but I need to. I want to. I don’t no one could ever stop me because all I wanted for my family is to be stable financially and not worry if we can eat next week. It’s just that I’m done relying to my parents because I was frustrated more than I can think of. Long story.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate my job but it’s not what I want most. I’m not actually sure about what I want most. I haven’t given time for my dreams yet. I don’t even know what my dreams are yet. It was always for them. I dream for them and I am not used to thinking about me.
I like music. I like playing and singing. I like writing songs. I think I am good at it — not sure yet. Ugh. I’m not sure. It’s always like that and I can’t be sure until I give it time to discover, learn, be better at it and share it to people. I think I know what I want but I’m just not sure yet.
This thought takes my mind off my work. I am supposed to write arrangements and pieces for my students (I had a week to do that!) but I crammed. You know what I did? I wrote songs and place every effort to finish it. In one week, I made 3 songs. Mmm.
Selfish thought: I wish I can just skip until I get to the part where all I do is make music and perform my heart out to people. But I know I couldn’t and I wouldn’t anyway cause that would be cheating and I don’t want to cheat on life. I wouldn’t feel what I need to feel. I wouldn’t think what I need to think. learn what I need to learn. I wouldn’t realize what I need to realize. I wouldn’t grow like how I am supposed to grow.
Curious of what I sound like? Here: Listen to me on SoundCloud! 🙂