Open Wound

I like being moved. I think I don’t have a reason for it but I like it. I like being moved by stories, scenes from movies and/or series, music, and people.

It’s funny because this started about 2 years ago when I think a lost a big part of me over and over. I felt my worst and there is a big hole in my chest too hard to cover up. I felt pain deeply and I was an open wound since then. I don’t cry watching movies but I started to. Every scene I watch, I felt what it felt like for the characters. It’s not on if-you’re-on-their-shoes kinda thing. It was effortless for me and I don’t need to imagine the past for me to feel the pain they felt. Like songs, not the usual of relating to the lyrics but the sometimes I feel the giggles and sometimes the sadness of the music. I was easily moved like my open wound slightly touched by air. It hurts even for a bit. Still, it hurts.

I’m not emo or anything. I’ve learned this the hard way and I’m pretty sure I didn’t take the the short cuts. But I’ve learned to live with pain because we don’t really have a choice somehow. We will encounter it dozens of times in our lives. We don’t need to skip the parts where it hurts. Because if we do, we are denying nature and its process. We won’t stop hurting if we can’t start learning. And we can’t do it on our own.

Feelings are a b*tch. We can’t be selfish enough to open our wounds to somebody else’. If we do, what is there to live for? I’ve learned pain and still doesn’t let me go. It gets lighter each day but it’s still there. I don’t know when will it stop but I know it will.

All of us hurt. Some hurt worse.

I was deeply moved by an episode on Vampire Diaries’ Season 4. A part where they are in the process of lettinh go of the past.

Damon: So what? For how long? A minute? A day? What difference does it make? Because in the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not going to make up for the fact that the only thing that you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be. And a rock. With a birthday carved into it that I’m pretty sure is wrong.

I was moved by the scene. He’s drunk and at the cemetery talking to his dead bestfriend. The pain that consumes him keeping too realistic enough not to grief. It’s hard and I know some had been in the process. I did cry.

I wasn’t a fan of the series and now I am one. Not fond of the hot guys there but the cinematography and most especially the story line. It made me reflect on pain.

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8 thoughts on “Open Wound

  1. I appreciate your vulnerability and your acceptance of pain – I think that keeps open the possibility of hope. As you said: “we won’t stop hurting if we can’t start learning” and I think the learning is worth it. I also think that new meaning can enter our lives that way. I’ve written about the hole left in my heart by my Dad’s suicide. It has never “healed” but that would have just been going back to the shape I was before. Now my heart had a new shape – and that hole that can’t be filled by anyone else gives me a space to carry hope.
    I hope you find your hope as well.

  2. Sometimes I fear getting close to people because I hate losing those I love (be it death or distance or personalities), I am the worst with death, I am still upset about my Grandfather dying when I was like eight.
    It sounds like you are in a good place and getting better everyday, but I too noticed (as I get older and time goes on and more people are lost) movies and music have a completely different meaning. No matter what remember that the pain you feel means the person really effected you, and honestly I think that is what we are on this earth to do; to mean something to someone (or many someones as the case may be).

    • Good point there! It’s always that connection to anyone or something.. the way we give them meaning and importance. No matter what it does to us, regardless if it would hurt us, it’s how we can live life at its best. 🙂

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